Community Chat

[Janey2]

@zitawins  When she sends you a gift I would thank her, but not give her anything in return. Maybe a card if it will bother you. This might have her rethink the friendship herself. When she emails you I would answer with a I am busy now, but will get back to you. But do not get back to her.

Before you do anything have some answers ready because she might confront you.

Also, if any change will keep you up at night just let the friendship continue as it is.

[Zhills]

Why pour water on the coals?  Friendships become scarce as we get older.  Why would you just choose to end one?

[kitcat51]

When my husband died many of my married women friends were distant....I was a widow, a disease they didn't want to catch so from experience...don't make it about gifts don't ignore her, just be blunt about not having anything in common & end it. 

[Trix]

@zitawins  Although the closeness of the friendship has diminished for you, perhaps it is still solid and important to your friend.  If she opts to send Christmas and birthday gifts, just say thanks.  I have a friend whom I have known for more than 40 years. We no longer live in the same state and our lives have taken different paths, but we still talk on the phone and email regularly. Maybe once a year there is a reason for one of us to be in the other's neck of the woods and we can have an in-person visit.  He is not a gift-giving type of person, but I send him a Christmas gift without fail and each sends a birthday card to the other. This has always been a platonic friendship and it is important to me.  It doesn't matter that he does not send me a Christmas gift. I will always send him one, and it would break my heart if he ever said stop. Your friend could have similar feelings about your friendship.  

[KittySoftPaws]

@Zhills  I agree with you. I just recently moved away and my one of my very good friends, while happy for me, as always, just couldn't believe I was leaving. I moved  from the East Coast to Florida. She said "twenty years" indicating how long we have been friends and now I am leaving that. I told her we can still talk and see each other once in a while, and she replied, "it's not the same." When I first got here she texted me and said, "you really aren't coming back?" and I said no. My other friend who we always hung out with, we were the three amigos, she and I talk quite frequently and she said that she thinks it's because she has lived there all her life and she has never had a friend move away. I can't imagine living in the same place all my life. Anyway, it has been hard because we were very close and she has not called once since Iv'e been here and only texted a couple of times. It feels as if we were never friends now. I am not going to pursue it because I don't ask people to be in my life, and I don't want or need a one sided relationship. It's just strange. I can only guess she is dealing with the loss her own way and feels this is the best way for her. Either way, I feel the loss too. We had mentioned maybe taking a girl's trip with the three of us, but with us all still working and life in general, it's unlikley. 

[RedTop]

My experience has been that when you get that deep down feeling the link between you is gone, then the friendship really has run its course.  

I reached that point several years ago with a friend of 55+ years.  Her last visit here was quite different and left me feeling totally disconnected to her.  I no longer wanted to be her WV friend and connection to her first 9 years of life.  I let go with nary a regret. 

[jannabelle1]

I'd be honest and start by telling her that you no longer wish to exchange gifts - period. If you feel you need an excuse you can use the cost of gifts and postage, or just tell her that  you're trying to downsize.

Regarding the friendship, nothing wrong with an occasional email update if you want, but just ending the gift exchange will most likely do a lot to impact the friendship.

[Sooner]

It is legitimate to say that you are cutting down on gifting for a number of reasons at this point, so you want to stop exchanging gifts. 

That shouldn't be offensive to someone.  If it is, and she ends any communication, that's on her not you.  If you don't communicate back, then let it all go and don't bother with it.  You can't control what others do, but you can control what you do.

[DSD2]

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@stevieb wrote:

I guess I'm different, if the 'friendship' amounts to exchange of emails a couple of times a year, is that really so onerous? Perhaps the friendship means more to her than it does to you. As for the gifts, suggest you limit it to one or the other, either Christmas or Birthdays but not both and then, over time, let that fade away as well if that's your choice. Unless someone has no redeemeing traits, I'm not one to burn bridges.

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You expressed this wisely and thoughtfully. Always try to be kind...The day may come that she finds friendships faltering and rue the day she purposely cut her ties.

[781Florist]

I saw the essay about friends that are in our lives for "a reason, a season or a lifetime" about five years ago and it helped me to put the question of "where did it go...." comfortably away... and helped me to understand that some friendships serve a time and a purpose in our lives and then gradually fade and disappear as we evolve in life.

The friends that have lasted through the (many!!) decades of my life come from all phases of my life.  Childhood, college, young adulthood... and I feel the bond and the love from them regardless of distance or proximity, or the length of time between our interaction.

The people that have been important to me while passing through my life may no longer share the bonds of closeness with me, but their footprints are still all over my heart and memory and I will carry them fondly with me forever.

If your "friend" seems more invested in the relationship than you are I would suggest that for the sake of what once was.....be kind.  Answering an e-mail is really not such an imposition, is it?  You could also continue to send birthday and holiday wishes in e-mails.  They cost nothing, consume very little of your time, and probably 

would bring a smile and a moment of happiness to your "friend".

After a few occasions where your best wishes are unaccompanied by actual gifts I am pretty sure that a 

tactful and gentle message will have been delivered.

Some people take a little longer than others to realize that their reason or their season is over.