Community Chat

[10sluvr]

you could call the police and ask them to do a welfare check, if you feel he's being mistreated. police might even let you see him.

[ROMARY]

I haven't read all of the posts with possibly more info. Anyway, at first thought, I'm thinking that it's nice for the son to have his dad live with him with 24/7 care, which is very expensive. Sometimes patients do much better living at home, rather than a facility. Usually, the hospital and doctor have some type of 'community care services'/'home health care' for absolutely homebound patients so a registered nurse and mobile doctor checks on the patient at his or a relative's home. Making sure all is well, taking B/P, and making sure meds are taken, blood tests, etc. This is usually free with Medicare, for homebound patients. Now, it could be that the dad wants to go back to his own residence. I don't know what you can do except possibly talking to your DH's doctor. Keep in mind that he will need 24/7 caregivers at home with the two of you. And if that's what you prefer, you might try in some way to communicate with your husband. But, seriously, I'm thinking your DH is better off at his son's house, but with, of course, you visiting him quite often. That's if he is happy there. I'm not so sure that he will be any happier at a facility. It's something the three of you should really sit down and discuss, and let the Dad live where he wants to live (with 24/7 care, and frequent visits from the RN and doc., of course). I would do what your DH wants at this point in his life.

[ROMARY]

Good 24/7 caregivers are trained to keep their patients alert and busy, talking with them, watching TV with them, seeing that they are bathed, etc. That is all part of their job. If he is happy there, all you can do is write the son a letter saying that all you would like is to be able to visit him every week, or whatever. If he isn't happy there, you are going to have to tell him that the other alternative is in a nursing home, which he may not like, either. Unless you are prepared to have 24/7 caregivers at your home. But, for now, just ask the son, in a letter, if you can possibly come and visit your husband. BTW, don't wives have certain rights regarding their husbands? Any information from posters?

[NYC Susan]

On 1/11/2014 tansy said: I would seek out a lawyer who specializes in geriatric law. You should have some rights here as his wife of many years.

I agree with this. Not necessarily to take any kind of action, but it would be a good idea to speak to an attorney to find out what your rights are. Just to get full & complete information before making any decisions re how to proceed. Your stepson doesn't have to know anything about it at this point.

And I also think you should speak to your husband's doctor. Get his (or her) opinion and input, and see if he can intervene on your behalf.

[goodstuff]

On 1/13/2014 NYC Susan said:

On 1/11/2014 tansy said: I would seek out a lawyer who specializes in geriatric law. You should have some rights here as his wife of many years.

I agree with this. Not necessarily to take any kind of action, but it would be a good idea to speak to an attorney to find out what your rights are. Just to get full & complete information before making any decisions re how to proceed. Your stepson doesn't have to know anything about it at this point.

And I also think you should speak to your husband's doctor. Get his (or her) opinion and input, and see if he can intervene on your behalf.

I agree. While I understand that you no longer feel able to look after your husband and understand why you have turned over management of his care and finances to his children, that shouldn't mean that you can't visit him. If I understand correctly, you are still legally married to the man! I am sorry that things between you and his children have become difficult and hostile; I hope you can find a way to work through some of the problems. Issues regarding their inheritance should not affect your ability to see your husband.

Our family is currently working with an eldercare attorney to coordinate matters for DH's elderly mother, who has been showing signs of dementia, has fallen numerous times, and recently had to move from an assisted living facility to a nursing home. This large practice offers legal services, of course, but also has care coordinators, social workers, and family counselors on staff. They can help with many aspects of seniors' care, finances, and family relations. Get some referrals to eldercare attorneys in your area. They should be able to help -- and not necessarily through lawsuits or legal actions.

One more comment, just for the record: Keeping an elderly person at home with round-the-clock care is not a "cheap solution", nor is it easy for the family involved. When we were weighing options for my mother's care, we found that hiring sitters and/or CNA's at home 24/7 would be more expensive than high-level assisted living or many nursing homes.

[Jussa]

ROMARY, I live in a small one bedroom apartment and his son also lives in a small one bedroom apartment. It would not have been feasible for me to have an overnight home health aide in my apartment and it would not have been safe for either me or my DH to be alone together overnight. There is simply no room for a third person, let alone stranger, to be living in my apartment.

His son had this plan a couple of months ago to put his father in his apartment and have 24/7 home aides. His son was going to live elsewhere maybe with his girlfriend. Believe me, his son does not want to live with his father. It is much less expensive to do it this way than to have DH in a nursing home. DH was well adjusted in the rehab facility which is part of the nursing home. He could have and should have been permanently admitted IMO.

The problem is I have no idea if his son has even put the home aides in place. He has certainly had enough time to set all this up. I don't know what is going on at this point. I just have a feeling the son is trying to manage his father himself at the moment with some part-time help (again, on the cheap). This is not doable. Trust me. I know from experience.

My husband has dementia and although we could ask him his preferences, he really is not capable of making an informed decision.

ETA: So far this morning, I have met with a community social worker who said I need to contact an attorney. I also left a message with a referred Elder Care attorney. I also set up an appointment for tomorrow with a nurse who has come to our home in the past to ask her advice. I will also invite my stepdaughter to dinner (remember, she's too busy working and fretting about money, she has no time for anything else, but if I entice her with a free dinner and a drive home after her work, maybe she will have the time!) so I can discuss the situation with her.

[Group 5 minus 1]

Why didn't you get a will? Some people think if they have a will they will die. We are all going to die. In some states if you are married the survivor receives a % of the estate. Does your husband have a living will? I'll bet you do not even know. You should quit your whining and get an attorney.

[Jussa]

On 1/13/2014 Bungo said:

Why didn't you get a will? Some people think if they have a will they will die. We are all going to die. In some states if you are married the survivor receives a % of the estate. Does your husband have a living will? I'll bet you do not even know. You should quit your whining and get an attorney.

Bungo, I'm sorry you think I am whining. It is a very upsetting situation, one that I hope never happens to you.

We both have wills. I have already stated that per mutual agreement, we are not named in each other's will. Even so, I know that I am legally entitled to 33% of DH's estate. Again, that is NOT the issue I am talking about here. I am simply wondering why his son is barring me from seeing him.

[Group 5 minus 1]

Jussa: Why bother and wonder. Just get an attorney. I noticed you answered some of my questions but not all of them. Did you get an attorney? How would any of us know about your stepson? We not even know him.

I could tell you will stories that make yours sound like a fairytale w/a happy ending. Did you get that attorney?

[Group 5 minus 1]

Here is another idea. Call adult protective services. They will make sure your husband is well cared for and if not remove him from the home. They must be allowed to see him and if there are any problems the law steps in. Did you get that attorney yet?