Stepson Won't Let Me Visit DH - Page 5

Jussa · ‎01-11-2014

On 1/12/2014 Yuban3 said:
On 1/12/2014 Jussa said:
On 1/12/2014 JamicaJammer said:
Contact a family law attorney. There's ALREADY a "riff" between you and your stepson, if they're denying you visitation.

Perhaps in your dh's mental state, he doesn't WANT to see you.

I think you should contact a therapist for yourself as well, to deal with the emotional impact of all of this.

JJ, I am well aware that DH may not want to see me. As I explained, his dementia has caused him to be extremely hostile to me on occasion during my visits to him at the rehab facility. I am prepared for that kind of reaction and, as I said, I would immediately leave if I saw that I was causing him to be agitated in any way. I don't think that would happen, though. When you know someone for 30 years and you know how they've been acting now with an illness for over one year, you tend to be able to predict how things will go. Frankly, I think he would be overwhelmed with happiness and thankfulness to see me, at least for a few minutes before his demeanor changes.

I have been seeing a therapist for several months now. I started when I felt like I was falling apart taking care of DH at home. Unfortunately, I really don't understand what therapy is supposed to do. I go there. I talk. I cry. I talk some more. Nothing has changed.

I've thought about a caregivers support group in all this time but honestly, I don't want to sit with a group of people and commiserate in a pity session by sharing sad experiences.

Therapy is to help you learn how to better cope with stuff, (stress, etc).

As for support groups, they are there for people to vent, and to learn how to cope better.

Do you think people who go to AA are "commiserating" and having a "pity party"?

No, they aren't. They are sharing experiences, so that others may LEARN.

What if, just what if, your husband becomes agitated the second you set foot inside the door, the second he lays eyes on you? Are you prepared for that?

As I said, being a caregiver is not easy. It can be downright frustrating.

Yuban, I think I am coping as well as can be expected under the circumstances. The more than one year I was caregiver to DH has given me all the experience I need. It has been a rollercoaster ride. High highs and extremely low lows. It took me a long time to understand what was going on with DH and to accept his condition, and learn how to best handle it. It simply became too much for me and, as I posted, it really was a blessing that he fell and had to be admitted to the hospital. From there he went to rehab and got the round the clock attention and care he needs.

As I also said, I am no stranger to DH's high and low moods. At home, he would lash out at me for no reason at all when least expected. I was always on guard, always on my toes. I tried to just stay out of his way and take care of his needs. Of course it was devastating to me emotionally, but I just kept plugging along.

I felt relieved when he was at rehab because I could now breathe again at home. But even during my visits there, I never knew what to expect. There were many times that when he saw me, his face would light up and it made my day. There were also many times that I'd be there for all of 2 minutes when he would lash out again. There was no rhyme or reason. As soon as he lashed out, I'd say, "I'll see you soon. I love you." then leave. So I am well prepared for him to lash out at any given moment.

Bjjo · ‎03-10-2010

On 1/11/2014 Jussa said:
You understand merrytime, clearly from personal experience. Thanks and God bless.

My mom was married to my stepdad for 32+ years and experienced much, just as you. His children were married before my mom and stepdad married.

151949 · ‎03-09-2010

since you are his legal wife i don't think his son can keep you away from him. You have legal rights - you are his legal Next of Kin. If i were you i woul be much more assertive.

missy1 · ‎03-10-2010

It seems like op would have more power than her dh son. The reason dh son can keep you from seeing your husband, is because he is in HIS home. If he were at a facility, he would have no say. I hope it works out. I would get legal help, if this continues.

Jussa · ‎01-11-2014

On 1/12/2014 missyw1 said: It seems like op would have more power than her dh son. The reason dh son can keep you from seeing your husband, is because he is in HIS home. If he were at a facility, he would have no say. I hope it works out. I would get legal help, if this continues.

Exactly missyw. When I had a serious discussion with his children about the future and we agreed to this arrangement of his children handling their father's money and affairs, I felt that we were on the same page as far as making decisions in the best interest of their father. I felt it was a good faith agreement. Never did I think I'd be barred from seeing DH for ANY reason. I would never, ever, ever bar his children from seeing their father even if he was "agitated" or "not adjusting well", which is the excuse I was given. This is my puzzlement. I'm not sure what is really going on.

Bjjo · ‎03-10-2010

On 1/12/2014 Jussa said:
On 1/12/2014 missyw1 said: It seems like op would have more power than her dh son. The reason dh son can keep you from seeing your husband, is because he is in HIS home. If he were at a facility, he would have no say. I hope it works out. I would get legal help, if this continues.

Exactly missyw. When I had a serious discussion with his children about the future and we agreed to this arrangement of his children handling their father's money and affairs, I felt that we were on the same page as far as making decisions in the best interest of their father. I felt it was a good faith agreement. Never did I think I'd be barred from seeing DH for ANY reason. I would never, ever, ever bar his children from seeing their father even if he was "agitated" or "not adjusting well", which is the excuse I was given. This is my puzzlement. I'm not sure what is really going on.

My mom had me and my other 2 sisters to stand by her during times like this. Otherwise, she might have been eaten up. Just by us walking into situations with our mom gave her voice without having to say anything. My sisters and I were always there for our stepfather and did for him when his children didn't as they were just TOO BUSY. Well, we were as well, but cared for him. They knew that deep down. It is true that it does take a "village" in some situations. No legal advice or attorney force is always needed. That can cause more unneeded problems and hate, conflicts in the long run. It all depends if you have children that will walk with you. I hope you do. Maybe you don't have adult children. I don't know. But, if you do, their presence speaks loudly without saying a word.

Jussa · ‎01-11-2014

On 1/12/2014 merrytime said:
On 1/12/2014 Jussa said:
On 1/12/2014 missyw1 said: It seems like op would have more power than her dh son. The reason dh son can keep you from seeing your husband, is because he is in HIS home. If he were at a facility, he would have no say. I hope it works out. I would get legal help, if this continues.

Exactly missyw. When I had a serious discussion with his children about the future and we agreed to this arrangement of his children handling their father's money and affairs, I felt that we were on the same page as far as making decisions in the best interest of their father. I felt it was a good faith agreement. Never did I think I'd be barred from seeing DH for ANY reason. I would never, ever, ever bar his children from seeing their father even if he was "agitated" or "not adjusting well", which is the excuse I was given. This is my puzzlement. I'm not sure what is really going on.

My mom had me and my other 2 sisters to stand by her during times like this. Otherwise, she might have been eaten up. Just by us walking into situations with our mom gave her voice without having to say anything. My sisters and I were always there for our stepfather and did for him when his children didn't as they were just TOO BUSY. Well, we were as well, but cared for him. They knew that deep down. It is true that it does take a "village" in some situations. No legal advice or attorney force is always needed. That can cause more unneeded problems and hate, conflicts in the long run. It all depends if you have children that will walk with you. I hope you do. Maybe you don't have adult children. I don't know. But, if you do, their presence speaks loudly without saying a word.

I agree that going the legal route will cause more problems and hate. That will be a last resort. I will give my stepson one week. I think that is more than a reasonable amount of time. If he still says no, then something else is going on.

Unfortunately, I do not have a good support system. I have no children. I only have my mom who is a strong and vivacious person, but she is a senior. She has been my emotional rock, but it's not fair for me to burden her. I need to be taking care of her now. I have one sibling in another state. That's it.

Bjjo · ‎03-10-2010

So sorry that you do not have a quite support family that commands respect just by standing around you as you enter into extended family situations that is uncomfortable to you. You need this so very much. Lawyers can not do this and CAN cause more grief and more than you might not be ready for. I will think more about your situation. I am not going to say ""good luck"" as luck is not what you need.

sarahpanda · ‎03-11-2010

Well, all I can say to all of that is HUGS TO YOU !! AND PRAYERS GOING UP FOR YOU IN THIS DIFFICULT SITUATION.

Jussa · ‎01-11-2014

On 1/12/2014 sarahpanda said:
Well, all I can say to all of that is HUGS TO YOU !! AND PRAYERS GOING UP FOR YOU IN THIS DIFFICULT SITUATION.

If nothing else, posting my situation here has helped me to think things through and it has served as somewhat of a support system. I've never been one to ask for prayers, but as you can see I'm pretty much alone in this, so all your prayers and well wishes mean more to me than you know. Tearing up as I type this. Thank you.