Community Chat

[Jussa]

On 1/13/2014 Bungo said:

Jussa: Why bother and wonder. Just get an attorney. I noticed you answered some of my questions but not all of them. Did you get an attorney? How would any of us know about your stepson? We not even know him.

I could tell you will stories that make yours sound like a fairytale w/a happy ending. Did you get that attorney?

Bungo, if you are not bothering to read my posts, you probably should not waste your time here.

Again, this is not a "will story" or will issue. The statement I bolded is very arrogant and insensitive of you regardless.

I also do not need to be harangued about getting an attorney. I am not 5 years old. Please read my posts.

[pistolino]

On 1/11/2014 Jussa said:

On 1/11/2014 SurvivedOne said:

Clearly there are other issues going on. And issues between you and your husband's son/children. If your husband's son is stepping up to pay for his dad's care at home care rather than him being in a nursing home, that is an amazing son. Seems like there is alot left out in this story.

I'm sorry, you misunderstand. His son is not paying for his father's care. His son is choosing the cheaper way out so that his father's money (his inheritance) is not swallowed up by a nursing home. The stepson is trying to do it on the cheap to preserve his inheritance!

It is FAR more expensive to hire private around-the-clock aides than it is to put him in a nursing home, so your argument here is false.

Hindsight is 20/20, but for anyone reading who has a frail spouse and a poor relationship with the stepchildren, you MUST see an attorney and get all legal issues like wills, power of attorney for finances and medical before you make a move.

If the person has dementia, the legal issues need to be settled BEFORE the person deteriorates - do not wait until it's too late for the person to be able to make decisions legally.

Stepchildren can make real trouble for the remaining spouse--I have seen stepchildren take custody of a parent and convince the parent to divorce the step-parent (yes, it happens A LOT), stepchildren who wrestle all the finances away and leave the step-parent destitute, stepchildren who change wills to leave the step-parent out....any awful outcome you can imagine can possibly happen if you don't have all the legal stuff taken care of.

[violann]

On 1/13/2014 pistolino said:

On 1/11/2014 Jussa said:

On 1/11/2014 SurvivedOne said:

Clearly there are other issues going on. And issues between you and your husband's son/children. If your husband's son is stepping up to pay for his dad's care at home care rather than him being in a nursing home, that is an amazing son. Seems like there is alot left out in this story.

I'm sorry, you misunderstand. His son is not paying for his father's care. His son is choosing the cheaper way out so that his father's money (his inheritance) is not swallowed up by a nursing home. The stepson is trying to do it on the cheap to preserve his inheritance!

It is FAR more expensive to hire private around-the-clock aides than it is to put him in a nursing home, so your argument here is false.

I 'm sure that is your personal experience, pistolino, but it was definitely not mine. In our experience we paid far more for a good nursing home. It actually cost us just shy of a million for my mother's care. When she lived at home with a full time sleep in aide t

[pistolino]

On 1/12/2014 Jussa said:

Thank you all for your responses. I did think about contacting a lawyer, either Elder Care or Family Attorney I guess would be the ones. The only thing is, once I do that, there will be an irreparable rift between me and my DH's family and that will not be good for anyone. I will have to sit tight for a "reasonable" amount of time. What reasonable is, I really do not know. But if my stepson disallows me from visiting, let's say, 2-4 weeks from now, something is very wrong and I will have to take action.

You don't seem to realize it, but you already have an irreparable rift. Might as well see an attorney and see what legal rights you still have.

As I said in the post above this one, I know of a number of cases where the children actually convinced their parent to DIVORCE the step-parent.

Yes, it happens. So best to see an attorney this week to sort out what you have a right to do and what you don't.

[violann]

pistolino, I'm sure you are speaking from personal experience, but our personal experience was very different. We were paying an aide $650/week, and a very good nursing home was over $10,000/ month just before my mother died.

[Jussa]

On 1/13/2014 pistolino said:

On 1/12/2014 Jussa said:

Thank you all for your responses. I did think about contacting a lawyer, either Elder Care or Family Attorney I guess would be the ones. The only thing is, once I do that, there will be an irreparable rift between me and my DH's family and that will not be good for anyone. I will have to sit tight for a "reasonable" amount of time. What reasonable is, I really do not know. But if my stepson disallows me from visiting, let's say, 2-4 weeks from now, something is very wrong and I will have to take action.

You don't seem to realize it, but you already have an irreparable rift. Might as well see an attorney and see what legal rights you still have.

As I said in the post above this one, I know of a number of cases where the children actually convinced their parent to DIVORCE the step-parent.

Yes, it happens. So best to see an attorney this week to sort out what you have a right to do and what you don't.

pistolino, there is not necessarily an irreparable rift . . . yet. My stepson indicated that I just couldn't visit yet until he gets things set up. Whether this is true or not remains to be seen. Personally, I think it's kind of a bizarre response, but it's possible that my stepson is extremely overwhelmed so that he cannot entertain the thought of anyone coming over now. Who knows? It's possible.

Once again, this is not an issue of money or wills. It is an issue simply of visitation and making sure my DH is well cared for. That's it.

I am awaiting a call back from an Elder Care Attorney, ETA: to see what my rights are as far as visitations. That's all. There is no other issue.

[Jussa]

On 1/13/2014 violann said: pistolino, I'm sure you are speaking from personal experience, but our personal experience was very different. We were paying an aide $650/week, and a very good nursing home was over $10,000/ month just before my mother died.

ITA. Cost varies from region to region and state to state. In my area, generally speaking, almost all nursing homes will be far more expensive than hiring a home health aide.

[RedTop]

Jussa,

My thoughts and prayers to you with this difficult situation. Your last posts show you are on the right path to getting answers, and hopefully the help you need.

RedTop

[Anniecamp]

Bungo and Pistolina, PLEASE read threads before you state with such "authority" what should be done. You wrote about things that were already addressed by the OP.

[puglet1]

On 1/13/2014 RedTop said:

Jussa,

My thoughts and prayers to you with this difficult situation. Your last posts show you are on the right path to getting answers, and hopefully the help you need.

RedTop

ITA. I have a similar situation very close to home and my heart goes out to you, Jussa. You sound like a capable person who knows what to do. My best to you and I hope everything works out for you.