Community Chat

[VaBelle35]

If you are the only family of origin you both have, and it's important to you to keep him in your life, then you have to accept that he is a taker and you are a giver.

You also have to accept that he is not your older brother and he is not going to change.

You are going to have to accept him for what he is or just let him go and send him a Christmas card every year.

[godi]

I get it you want to hold on to your last piece of your family. But, he doesn’t care the way you do. You did enough. Move on and don’t worry about it. I know easier said than done but you got to take care of you. Life is short live it your way! 

[Mom2Dogs]

Sounds like my sister....she and my brother had a disagreement...she was in the wrong....but he has been the one that has tried to make contact with her, she will not respond....she is never wrong....in her eyes.  At this point in her life out of all the siblings she has, she only speaks to one of them, (and it's not me) and two of her three children, want nothing to do with her.

I am sorry you are having this issue with your brother, but some people are takers....

[Imaoldhippie]

He is a taker, your are a giver.  Stop giving and he will either stop visiting altogether or change his ways (which is doubtful)

He is a big boy and takes care of himself when he is not with you.

When he wanted to talk he knew what it would be about so he turned the tables on you knowing you would do just what you did, call him.  Now he is in control again.

I cant tell you what to do but I know what I would do and that is not given in, not contact him and if he would contact me I would not take his calls.  He would not be back in my house freeloading any more.

[CalminHeart]

Stop stocking up on things you don't use.  When he arrives and asks about those things, you can tell him where the grocery store is and he can go get them (don't go with him). 

[SXMGirl]

@jellyBEAN  The way that I see it is that we want people who visit to feel at home, but we don't want them thinking that they actually live there.  Here is what I would do the next time that he says that he is coming to visit.

Tell him that you have plans and that he will need to make his visit shorter this time.  Let him know that he needs to bring his own refreshments and that if he wants to do any sightseeing or go to a number of places/activities, he will be driving.  He also needs to know that you will not be cooking every day and that he can take you both out for several meals while he is there.   He is older and this is what adults do.

The only thing that you really need to provide for him is fresh linens.  You can tell him that.  If he doesn't like any of this and wants to start an argument, you might want to copy some of the advice that you have received on this board and send it to him.

You don't say what he does for work, but certainly he has responsibilities.  Also, don't let him bring anyone with him.  

Let him know that you want him to be comfortable while he is with you, but you also need to enjoy his visit.  It really should not be more work for you.  Respect yourself by having a few rules that will make his visit enjoyable for the both of you.

I want to add one more thing.  If you have any things that need to be fixed or have chores that you really are not able to do for yourself, have a list for him.  Let him know to bring tools, if need be.

[Sweetbay magnolia]

I've had a similar situation.  It's just not easy, is it?

It became clear to me that I had to lay down boundaries, and that I did.  I had to value my days as number one priority, but be able to live with the fallout, if there were some.  We've reached an understanding.

I personally do not like house guests, family or no.  I don't like staying in another's house, either, though.

c'est la vie

[Yahooey]

5-6 days every other month is a lot. As you mentioned a dozen times in the last 2 years. He is getting food, entertaiment, and travel on your dime or rather $$$. Selfish and spoiled. By the time you recuperate from the last visit, here he comes again. 

I hope you work it out as family is important but it shouldn't be all give and all rake.

[croemer]

Hmm...if he can not take it anymore...seems he is saying he is using your home as a getaway...and not to see you?

I think its best you no longer be his free vacation.

Besides the fact your home is no longer your private domain?

When I visit I offer meals, to cook, clean and make sure the room I am in is cleaned up each day...bed is made as well as the bathroom. One's goal should be to be as less intrusive and not make the person(s) I am staying with feel like they are my maid.

[Jordan2]

It does seem that he is taking advantage of you. However he is your only family, only you can decide whether you want him in your life or not ( take him as he is, he will not change). My brother died almost eight years ago, he was a great brother, I miss him terribly. Think long and hard before making your decision.