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Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,564
Registered: ‎04-03-2010

I had a terrible spat w/my brother (or at least he did with me) this morning and I'm upset and would like to hear any opinions as I feel very sad.

 

I have lived in a resort community near the coast for the past 2 years.  My older brother has come to visit about a dozen times in these 2 years and stays in my guest bedroom.  A few times I have invited him down, other times he invites himself and because he is the only family I have left (no children, parents or other siblings) I feel put on the spot.

 

We were never close growing up so I don't really get the frequent visits.  It is a nice cheap vacation for him though.  And that's what we had our tiff about.  I didn't get to say my peace, but I feel he doesn't reciprocate while he's here.  If he stays for free for 5-6 days I may get one lunch out of him - I only drink water and have a salad - I'm a cheap date - and I go out of my way to plan activities, stock up on beer, snacks and foods for him, have a nice clean, bright sunny room, etc...We went for a long drive yesterday (I drove my vehicle) 3-3.5 hrs. each way = 7 hrs. of me driving and he didn't want any lunch and he didn't even contribute any $ toward gas (cost me about $50).  And by the time we arrived back at my home I certainly wasn't up for cooking dinner.  So I was EXTREMELY irritated and he knew it.

 

I told him this morning I wanted to have a talk with him, but he just lit into me telling me how miserable I was and how he couldn't take it anymore and he stormed out of my house and left.  I'm upset about it as the weather isn't great out and he won't respond to a text to see if he made it to his destination OK.  What do y'all think about that?

Flowers are nature's way of laughing
Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,648
Registered: ‎09-12-2010

Re: Sibling Squabble

[ Edited ]

I think you're a very kind and generous person, but it seems your brother is taking advantage of your hospitality. You've done your best to make him welcome - buying food, booze, snacks, etc. If he "can't take it anymore" , then it's time for him to find another vacation refuge. I'd tell him enough is enough. You don't run a B&B, nor are you a tour guide. Don't let him saddle you with guilt. Next time he wants to "visit", I'd tell him you won't be home, and I'd continue to tell him that until he stops taking advantage of you. Take care of yourself and don't worry about him - he knows what he's doing.

Contributor
Posts: 46
Registered: ‎05-11-2011

It sounds like this squabble was building up for some time. Trying to see both sides of it, it appears that you have been resentful of your brother’s seeming lack of appreciation for your hospitality for the past two years. This is certainly understandable, as you have felt he was using you for a free vacation spot. 

 

You dont say though if you if you a much better financial position than your brother. He could have been thinking that you did not need the dinner on him, (and I am not saying he shouldn’t have perhaps treated  you - only maybe what he may have been thinking.) 

 

it it is very possible too that because you have not openly discussed this in over two years he thought things were fine  and then today, when you finally had enough, you may have been in a bad mood, and he really had no clue why. 

 

In in any event, the only way to solve this is by communicating with him..  However, try to just make it about ground rules for a next visit rather than accusations that may make him defensive,  in the hope that both of you can perhaps be happier. 

 

I wishyou luck with this and hope he will listen and meet you at least half way on everything. 

Valued Contributor
Posts: 732
Registered: ‎04-27-2015

Two words....spoiled brat

Valued Contributor
Posts: 916
Registered: ‎10-12-2016

@jellyBEAN, I think you and I have the same brother by a different mother.  My younger brother sounds exactly like yours.  I'm done, peace out.  My brother has stayed with us several times in the past and has totally taken advantage of my and my husband's generosity and good will.  He's a slob, a taker and contributes zero, zip and zilch when he visits.  He argues over our differing political views and insults us in our own home.

 

Our dad died young and our mom died 6 years ago.  Her substantial will was left to him and my daughter (3 sibs cut out).  I didn't hear from my brother for several years after our mom's death - not until he blew through his inheritance.  Now he wants to know me again.  DH and I own 2 homes - free and clear, due to hard work, good investments and living within our means.  My brother now wants to live in our NY home when we're in Florida, and our Florida home when we're in NY.  Nope, not happening.

 

Family either respects one another, doesn't take advantage or behaves as if we "owe" them something.  I owe none of my sibs a thing, as they don't owe me.  But my younger brother doesn't see it that way.  He thinks we all owe him something.  Nope.  

 

Don't feel bad, stand firm, stay strong.  It's not all about him.  Peace, LuLu

Honored Contributor
Posts: 62,199
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@jellyBEAN  I'm sorry for your upset and it does all seem a bit one sided, but unlike others, I'm not going to be judge and jury... I know only what you've told us and I'm afraid I don't know enough about you, your brother or your relationship to make any kind of assessment of him, of you or of what you might do to address your concerns. It is unfortunate that he didn't show you the courtesy of letting you know he arrived safely at wherever he was going. I hope things even out and that the two of you might talk calmly about your differences.


In my pantry with my cupcakes...
Honored Contributor
Posts: 53,488
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

He doesn't like that you've called him out on his miserly ways.  You've attempted to communicate with him so the ball is now in his court.  I'd let him stew until he decides to communicate with you.  Remember, we teach people how to treat us.  If you relent, he will go back to mooching off if you.  Unless you want to spend the rest of your life that way, be a little hard to get.  He owes you an apology so there's no reason for you to be upset.

New Mexico☀️Land Of Enchantment
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

@nikkisaunt1 wrote:

It sounds like this squabble was building up for some time. Trying to see both sides of it, it appears that you have been resentful of your brother’s seeming lack of appreciation for your hospitality for the past two years. This is certainly understandable, as you have felt he was using you for a free vacation spot. 

 

You dont say though if you if you a much better financial position than your brother. He could have been thinking that you did not need the dinner on him, (and I am not saying he shouldn’t have perhaps treated  you - only maybe what he may have been thinking.) 

 

it it is very possible too that because you have not openly discussed this in over two years he thought things were fine  and then today, when you finally had enough, you may have been in a bad mood, and he really had no clue why. 

 

In in any event, the only way to solve this is by communicating with him..  However, try to just make it about ground rules for a next visit rather than accusations that may make him defensive,  in the hope that both of you can perhaps be happier. 

 

I wishyou luck with this and hope he will listen and meet you at least half way on everything. 


 

I agree with all of this.

 

I would definitely start with a conversation - but at a time when neither of you are feeling angry.  If you haven't shared your feelings before, then he's not totally at fault for taking advantage.  (Yes, he may be somewhat tone-deaf and yes, he certainly should have been offering all along to take you to lunch and to share expenses.  Some people need nudging.)  Perhaps he's going thru some personal issues and he'll share those with you.  But in any case, having an open and honest discussion should be the first step.

 

Maybe it's as simple as clearing the air re expectations.  I wouldn't assume he's an ungrateful user unless you share your feelings in a calm, non-confrontational conversation and nothing changes.

 

It sounds as though you've been a very good host, going above and beyond.  Maybe you shouldn't make things so comfortable for him.  Give him a place to stay, but don't stock up on beer, snacks, and food specifically for him, and don't go out of your way to plan activities.  This is your home, this is where you live your life, and if he wants to visit so often, then he has to fit into that.  He can get his own beer and snacks, and he can plan his own activities.  Your life shouldn't come to a complete halt just because he's visiting.

 

Hopefully you'll be able to come to some kind of understanding with him.  I know you said you weren't close growing up, but maybe you can become close now.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 13,171
Registered: ‎07-09-2011

Re: Sibling Squabble

[ Edited ]

 

Some people have super radar about when they have over played their act.  They turn quickly, create a distraction and run.

 

That way they get what they want, don’t have to hear anything they don’t like, and get to toss around some shade too.

 

They wait a while, then guilt you into asking them back ~ then, guess what?  They do it all over again.  Brother or not, that IS who they are, and what they do.  

 

Sorry to say, I know a few & keep them far, far away.

 

On the other hand, I’m not related to them.

"Animals are not my whole world, but they have made my world whole" ~ Roger Caras
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,084
Registered: ‎08-19-2014

  You don’t owe your brother anything.Your home your rules!! He shouldn’t be allowed to just invite himself over. He should wait for an invitation or politely ask.You have every right to say no.

   When he does come he needs to be a grateful guest. Taking you out to a nice dinner once a week, buying groceries, cleaning up after himself etc. You are not his mother or his maid, period.You shouldn’t cater to him.

   I’m a firm believer in that you need to teach people how to treat you.If you let your brother push you around he will. He owes you an apology.

  When you hear from him you have to explain to him how you feel.Do not let him steam roll over you.Stick to your guns.If he’s worth anything he’ll respect you for speaking up. If he doesn’t then he’s not worth anymore of your time.