Community Chat

[rickiraccoon]

I'm at loss with how to deal with this lady I know at work. She's about my age (59), single, her 2 kids are grown and I think she's lonely and looking for friends. Her social life seems to be church and work. I've gone to dinner (casual) with her a couple times after work and l usually end up regretting it. I don't know any other way to describe it other than to say I just think she's weird (and at times rude). I know she's unhappy because she's always complaining. Even when we're eating, she's complaining (she says she's just "picky"). My problem is, she keeps inviting me to do things (outside of work) that I don't want to do. I feel I'm constantly making excuses and saying no thanks. I've tried explaining to her that I think we just have different interest, but then she'll hear me describe something I've done over the weekend and the next thing I know she asking when we can do that. Occasionally, if it's brief and quick, I'll give in just to keep the peace for a while. I do have to work with her and she's a good worker so there's no problems there. This is starting to bug me so I'm asking for advice....how do you handle somebody that wants to be friends, but on a deeper level you know better?

Thanks you guys, I appreciate your opinions!

[Kachina624]

Seems like you've told her tactfully that you have different interests which should have been a big clue to her that you didn't want a social relationship with her.  When you give in and do see her socially, you undo your resolve not to see her and rekindle her hope that you'll be her friend.

You need to keep making excuses and saying no, and don't even once give in when she asks you to do something.  Eventually she'll move on and irritate someone else.

[151949]

As you said you do have to work with her - so can't you occasionally go out with her - just as a Christian thing to do with a lonely person? Then through the evening mention a few times how busy you have been for whatever reason, which gives you an excuse when she asks you and you don't want to go. Either that or -- i have a niece who does not get migraines but when she doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything she says she has a migraine, and needs to lie down somewhere quiet for the evening.

[bri20]

Just say no.  Don't make up lies or excuses - just say no.  Eventually she will stop asking.   You don't have to be rude or abrupt, but say it in a nice way 

Why torture yourself? 

[ChynnaBlue]

I think just continue saying no. If she expresses interest in something you did last weekend and wants to do it also, tell her you don't know when you might be doing that again and give her the information she needs to do whatever it was on her own.

A friend at work told me that she thought I always found interesting things to do and wanted to know more. Thankfully, she didn't ask me outright to go with me to whatever thing I was doing next, but I did tell her that I would share the information about plays, festivals, events, and lectures I think are interesting and I do.

I go to the Texas Book Festival every year and I always go alone so that I can see the panels I want to see, change my schedule on the fly, and don't need to check with or get buy-in from anyone else. My friends know this. And while I never invite anyone to come along with me,  I ALSO post all the links and information about the festival and which panels I'm interested in for my friends to find online. They're all welcome to go, just not with me. While I'm there, I tweet and post about which panels I'm in and share pictures. Any of my friends can find me and meet up with me, and some have done exactly that. And then after we met up for lunch or a hello and afterward I took off alone again. Best of both worlds.

[AKgirl2]

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@rickiraccoon wrote:

I'm at loss with how to deal with this lady I know at work. She's about my age (59), single, her 2 kids are grown and I think she's lonely and looking for friends. Her social life seems to be church and work. I've gone to dinner (casual) with her a couple times after work and l usually end up regretting it. I don't know any other way to describe it other than to say I just think she's weird (and at times rude). I know she's unhappy because she's always complaining. Even when we're eating, she's complaining (she says she's just "picky"). My problem is, she keeps inviting me to do things (outside of work) that I don't want to do. I feel I'm constantly making excuses and saying no thanks. I've tried explaining to her that I think we just have different interest, but then she'll hear me describe something I've done over the weekend and the next thing I know she asking when we can do that. Occasionally, if it's brief and quick, I'll give in just to keep the peace for a while. I do have to work with her and she's a good worker so there's no problems there. This is starting to bug me so I'm asking for advice....how do you handle somebody that wants to be friends, but on a deeper level you know better?

Thanks you guys, I appreciate your opinions!

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Some people are oblivious to the word "no" for whatever reason(s).  Just sticks I your guns, engage as little as possible and hopefully, she'll stop...There's a woman I know who did the same thing, hounded me to to go and do things with her, and I knew we weren't going to be friends.  I also told her we had different interests, but that didn't deter her at all.  I just kept saying "no" as politely as I could, ignored her phone calls and one day, she finally stopped.

[MyShadowLove]

This is a tough one...I've been in this type of situation before and it can be difficult, as we don't want to cause any hurt feelings...I had someone who always wanted to get together, but I just felt that we had nothing in common and I didn't really enjoy being with her....Eventually, it just ran its course...At first, I got together with her every now and then and, eventually, I started telling her that I wasn't able to...Then, finally, I just told her that I had a lot of personal things going on and didn't really feel up to it...She finally took the hint.

I didn't work with her though, so I can see where that would make it more difficult to handle.

[LTT1]

@rickiraccoon

Oh,ICK... I had someone like that many years ago and finally discussed the fact that I no longer wanted to be friends. It was painful for both parties.

You must work with this person, and she is being insistent and rude, probably because she is lonely. That is her feeling to own.

I rudely walk away from conversations that are being monopolized. People always knew that it was because I had a class full of students WAITING IN THE CLASSROOM! (Some people ARE oblivious)

I guess just keep explaining that you are busy ... (With personal issues) ... whatever. But stop feeling guilty about it. Be ready...

[drizzellla]

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I know what you are going through. I am living it now. My coworker is one lonely lady. But she is one miserable lady too, And I only reason I am nice and personable with her is because we sit next to each other and have to work together. I bite my tongue and am pleasant to her. As she tells me how she could never live in my neighborhood - she was in the area once and was afraid for her life. How everything I do is wrong and she will spends hours to try and prove to everyone that whatever i did in work was wrong - it wasn't. But she goes to great lengths to try and make herself look better than me.

I don't care - I am happy - I have wonderful friends and except for her I am pleased with what I do. I figure she can be as miserable as she wants - I am not going to be. She always is bringing up going to lunch together, going out after work or doing things together. I just say "no". and change the subject. After 10 years she still doesn't get it. But I am not going to spend one minute with her longer than I have to. I figure I go above and beyond to keep the peace at work and I am not putting any more effort to please her.

[jlkz]

@rickiraccoon

Since you work with this person, there is an added level of complexity.

First, get to the point where you stop giving excuses because it obviously isn't working with her.  Save time and energy by consistently sticking to your desire: just say NO without explanation.  When you deviate, you invite continuing pressure by her.

Second, develop a policy where you don't socialize outside with others in the workgroup.  No further excuses needed.

Third, if you are so inclined, create a list of things she can join where she might find some interest, enjoyment, and new contacts.  Don't accompany her to them:  you will become a crutch.

Fourth,  your time outside work is just as valuable as her time.  Don't squander it doing something you know will bring negativity and stress.

HTH