Community Chat

[SydneyH]

Save your sanity and peace by telling her exactly what you have told us.  Are you afraid of this woman for some reason?

[Moonchilde]

@rickiraccoon, I had an identical situation at work. There was a woman in our office (I recently retired) who clearly had no social life and badly wanted one, but who has many issues, personality and mental health-wise. She wasn't mean or spiteful but she was rather like Dory in Finding Dory, and manipulative as well. She didn't have a car in a place where literally *everyone* has cars and electing to not have one says something. She was constantly trying to get not only social activity but mooching rides.

I picked her up and took her to a fun art gallery opening that we both wanted to go to and it was manipulation from start to finish. I said I was having breakfast before I picked her up and that we would have lunch after. We get to the neighborhood of the gallery and she insists she's starving, hasn't eaten, must eat. Only restaurant (dive-y) on the block and she eats but talks about how uncomfortable she feels throughout. After the gallery I head for the nearby restaurant *we had both agreed upon* previously. Oh, no, she doesn't like the neighborhood, wants me to drive us back to my neighborhood to a restaurant I chose - where she was fairly unenthusiastic as well. THEN I had to drive her home.

I also took her to a museum she had been dying to get to but it was difficult without a car. There was manipulation going on there similarly - what we should do, when we should do it. IMO, when someone is doing you a favor, you don't behave as if you can call all the shots.

After that, every time I mentioned going somewhere or doing something on the weekend at the office, she tried to invite herself. I just let it lie, never said a word. Even if I said nothing about any plans, she'd be "wanna go do something?" I'd basically say no, I don't wanna - but she never stopped trying. 

She moved, and as it turned out, very close to me. I was terrified she'd end up on my doorstep unannounced and uninvited.  

She would visit her relatives in other states, hoping to be invited to move in with them; she wasn't. Her mental status had deteriorated to the point where she couldn't remember  anything (and how was she still employed, you might well ask, but that's another story), and she needed people's help, but she was so manipulative and whiny people didn't want to help her, even her own family.

Yes, there were times all of us felt sorry for her, but it was generally overridden by her manipulative passive-aggressiveness. So honestly, I had no problem just saying no, or ignoring her.

[SaRina]

Stop sharing details of your life with her -- what you do on your off time, what you enjoy.  Limit your conversations to neutral topics and let her do all the talking by asking her questions if you must.

If she asks to get together, simply say you have important family obligations and just don't have the time.

[beckyb1012]

I feel smothered just reading your post OP and I feel your pain.  You do not want to jeopardize the work relationship so you cannot just say no and walk away forever. 

Just keep all comments about work only.  Even if she asks did you have a good weekend and what did you do.   Short generic answers then straight onto business talk.  At some point she will catch on with your saying no to outings and the interactions you two have at work.

Good Luck.

[newagain888888]

My own experience has been that setting firm boundaries works better for everyone involved. Men are naturally better at this. As women, we are raised to go the extra mile to  try to please others and never hurt feelings. However, when boundaries are set, clearly and firmly, everyone knows what to expect. Pressure is reduced and anxiety is alleviated. You won't feel so pecked to death, dreading every encounter and invitation. She won't feel completely rejected, trying again and again to force a friendship with you. Only you can know what you are willing and are able to do comfortably. Have coffee. Sit her down and (with kindness) let her know. 

I like to focus on the positive by offering what I CAN do for someone. It may be the smallest little thing but if offered sincerely, it has value. If you are able to be with her outside of work for brief amounts of time, you could offer to do something she might enjoy, say once a month. Better yet, perhaps there's a common activity you could both find fun. It could be a movie, musical performance, gallery visit, craft fair, or even lunch out. (Don't do anything that would make you unhappy since that will only lead to a feeling of growing resentment on your part.) While it's not your responsibility to meet her emotional needs, sometimes we never know how much of a difference we can make by the smallest gesture of reaching out to befriend or support a person. As you mentioned, she is a good worker, only lonely and needing a friend. You might engage her in an activity where she could meet other people with more similar interests and needs. If outside activities are completely out of the question for you, tell her so then be on the lookout for other opportunities to make her feel noticed, valued, and appreciated at work. You are kind to not want to hurt her feelings in spite of the worry this has put on you. Good luck.

[dex]

I think it was nice of you to spend some time with her but you are not responsible for her happiness.I would tell her that you don't socialize outside of work but you would  enjoy her company at coffee break a couple of days a week.

[hckynut]

How? The same way I do every thing in my life. I speak up and use words that are understood. Nobody can be in charge of someone else's happiness, only they can do it.

hckynut(john)

[BalletBabe]

Some people will not take a hint, or hear the word NO!  I am in similiar situation with a neighbor,  that sat with me while my husband was dying.  I had her for lunch and bought her a thank you gift, now she wants to hang out.  I have nothing in common with her and do not enjoy the things she likes to do.  It is hard when you don't want to hurt feelings, but in my case, I realize that if I hang out with her , I am going to be miserable. 

I had another neighbor that was here everyday after my hubby passed ( a male)  That had to stop also.  He did not understand NO or that if I didn't answer my door , I didn't want to be bothered. 

Some people are just dense.  Good Luck !  You sound like me, don't want to hur feelings. 

[ROMARY]

Being she is a co-worker, I think that (if I had the time), I'd hint to her that I have only one day a week (or every two weeks, or whatever) to meet with her for a brief lunch or dinner or brief event.  That way, I'm thinking, my co-worker would have something to look forward (to), which would be something nice to do for someone.   Maybe even just one weekly movie, so I would know the exact time-frame.  Just a thought.

[riley1]

Unfortunately, some people don't get the hint, or just ignore the hint. You could make excuses or perhaps if you are not friendly outside of work with anyone else, tell her you prefer to not have social obligations with people you work with. If she asks why, tell her "it's complicated".