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Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,317
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

@rickiraccoon....ugh, what to do!  I would do my best to stop talking at work about things I do...that seems to encourage her. 

 

I have a friend that talks about things she does (with our group of friends)...and then ends up inviting others to join us, which I am generally happy to include others but at times, depending on the event, it disrupts the 'flow of the group' and makes an issue for travel.  I wish my friend would stop doing it, ha!

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,014
Registered: ‎05-24-2016

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker


@drizzellla wrote:


I know what you are going through. I am living it now. My coworker is one lonely lady. But she is one miserable lady too, And I only reason I am nice and personable with her is because we sit next to each other and have to work together. I bite my tongue and am pleasant to her. As she tells me how she could never live in my neighborhood - she was in the area once and was afraid for her life. How everything I do is wrong and she will spends hours to try and prove to everyone that whatever i did in work was wrong - it wasn't. But she goes to great lengths to try and make herself look better than me.

 

I don't care - I am happy - I have wonderful friends and except for her I am pleased with what I do. I figure she can be as miserable as she wants - I am not going to be. She always is bringing up going to lunch together, going out after work or doing things together. I just say "no". and change the subject. After 10 years she still doesn't get it. But I am not going to spend one minute with her longer than I have to. I figure I go above and beyond to keep the peace at work and I am not putting any more effort to please her.


You have gone above and beyond with kindness and patience, ten years?  That's superhuman!!  I don't think I coulda lasted 10 weeks!  Being humans, a person can only deal with so much.  Kudos to you @drizzellla✌️

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,915
Registered: ‎06-15-2014

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

Extremely difficult situation. You've been more than kind and patient. Say no firmly, but politely, with no excuses.Try to keep discussions work centered. 

You don't owe her, nor anyone, a social life. You have tried and it doesn't work for you. Life is too short. No is so hard for us women to say, but once you do it is such a liberation, a relief, a cause for self respect.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,894
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

You could try making yourself a less desirable companion. Take her to places, events she would not enjoy, ask to borrow a lot of money, insist she join you to volunteer somewhere doing something she would hate. 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker


@SaRina wrote:

Stop sharing details of your life with her -- what you do on your off time, what you enjoy.  Limit your conversations to neutral topics and let her do all the talking by asking her questions if you must.

 

If she asks to get together, simply say you have important family obligations and just don't have the time.


I agree that you shouldn't share details about your life.  Don't give her any openings.  Be friendly at work, smile, and chat a little about general things.  

 

But if she wants to get together outside of work, I think you should say, "Sorry, I can't".  Period.  Nicely, but firmly.  Don't attempt to explain.  The message you want to send is that your "no" means no.  It's not up for discussion.   I know it's not easy, but once you get in the habit it will become easier.  Good luck!

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,250
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

@rickiraccoon I have found out that it is best not to be friends with people you work with and this is an easy way to explain it to this woman.

 

You don't want to hurt her feelings and you sure don't want to have to lie.

 

It is no different than dating someone you work with and when things go bad, you still have to work with that person.

Frequent Contributor
Posts: 141
Registered: ‎04-24-2014

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker


@jlkz wrote:

@rickiraccoon

 

Since you work with this person, there is an added level of complexity.

 

First, get to the point where you stop giving excuses because it obviously isn't working with her.  Save time and energy by consistently sticking to your desire: just say NO without explanation.  When you deviate, you invite continuing pressure by her.

 

Second, develop a policy where you don't socialize outside with others in the workgroup.  No further excuses needed.

 

Third, if you are so inclined, create a list of things she can join where she might find some interest, enjoyment, and new contacts.  Don't accompany her to them:  you will become a crutch.

 

Fourth,  your time outside work is just as valuable as her time.  Don't squander it doing something you know will bring negativity and stress.

 

HTH


 

Wonderful advice @jlkz!

 

 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,120
Registered: ‎04-17-2015

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker


@NYC Susan wrote:

@SaRina wrote:

Stop sharing details of your life with her -- what you do on your off time, what you enjoy.  Limit your conversations to neutral topics and let her do all the talking by asking her questions if you must.

 

If she asks to get together, simply say you have important family obligations and just don't have the time.


I agree that you shouldn't share details about your life.  Don't give her any openings.  Be friendly at work, smile, and chat a little about general things.  

 

But if she wants to get together outside of work, I think you should say, "Sorry, I can't".  Period.  Nicely, but firmly.  Don't attempt to explain.  The message you want to send is that your "no" means no.  It's not up for discussion.   I know it's not easy, but once you get in the habit it will become easier.  Good luck!


I actually agree.  I never have a problem saying "no" to a person without any explanation, but realizing that a lot of people do.... plus the fact the OP has to face this woman every day, I suggested the "family obligations" as a plausible excuse.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 54,410
Registered: ‎03-29-2012

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

@rickiraccoon

Stop wearing deodorant to work.Cat WinkCat Tongue

Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,504
Registered: ‎05-23-2010

Re: Seeking Advice re Co-worker

I don't feel that telling a co-worker you don't/don't believe in socializing with co-workers is wise, unless you truly believe that and already adhere to it with all co-workers.

 

If there is another co-worker(s) that you do or have socialized with, you enjoyed it and don't want to give it up, it's way too much work to try and hide that from the co-worker in question and getting caught out would be embarrassing for the OP and unnecessarily hurtful to the co-worker.

 

If one does enjoy the company of a co-worker or two outside of work, I would not give that up because of this person.  I have remained silent when prompted to invite the co-worker I spoke of previously. If she "invited" me somewhere (which was a joke because I would need to provide the transportation) I said no and gave true reasons - too hot, physical limitations I have, I'm too tired.  If she tried to get me to invite her, I let it fall dead, into silence. She never stopped asking. She never "got it" because she was that desperate.

 

I did, very occasionally go out for dinner or happy hour with other co-workers - arranged when the pest wasn't around.

Life without Mexican food is no life at all