Community Chat

[pistolino]

Ugh, therapists. I've found that this field attracts people who themselves have issues. I have no idea why, but I've heard so many stories of weird and inappropriate or uncaring therapists - some people even going to them for a year or more and wondering why things aren't improving. They'd get the same amount of attention speaking to a cardboard cutout.

All I can say to OP is you have to go to a couple of appointments and keep changing until you find one who can help you.

Eating soup and giving pat answers to real issues is unacceptable and you might even want to complain to the licensing board about that particular one.

[Hooty]

I have been to therapists in the past, and never got anything really resolved, not a fan at all!

[dooBdoo]

I can understand the complexity of finding the right therapist. I've moved a lot and also had therapists in those years, so I've been through the process of finding a new counselor many times. One problem is the fact that therapy is so different from other medical visits. It requires a personal connection of a sort, and you're going to spend hours and hours there talking about complex issues as opposed to an occasional, relatively brief doctor's visit.

I'll place a disclaimer here, because my late husband was a psychiatrist and a couple of my best friends are psychologists. Nevertheless, I've encountered what I'd deem incredibly good therapists and disturbingly bad ones. You need someone who is a good listener, who clearly is concentrating on you and the conversation, and who also gives you direction now and then. I expect someone to make suggestions, even give me "homework" from time to time, because I've learned it takes dedicated work on my part to get any tangible benefits. My therapists have taught me things like bio-feedback, self-hypnosis, square breathing, recommended specific books and then talked with me about them while I read them, that sort of thing.

In the case of someone eating, etc., that would be a deal breaker for me -- I'd tell the person, refuse to pay for the session and likely never go back to them. This is your time, not theirs. In the case of scheduling, it's good to remember most don't do their own scheduling so the office staff might be the problem. Speak up, remember the therapist (and their staff) are working for you and you have a right to expect the best.

For me, it was beneficial to ask physicians I trusted and had good rapport with, to ask people at my church, and since I work in a network of hospitals I also ask some of the staff. This usually will generate a short list of therapists and the same names will be recommended multiple times.

But even then, you'll only know once you've had a few sessions with the person. For me, it's been greatly beneficial. However, it doesn't happen quickly and it also requires the patient to be willing to do a lot of hard work, to be active and not passive. I've learned so much about myself, and it has saved my life. Really has saved my life, no exaggeration. So please don't give up.

I wish you all the very best.

[Black Cat Back]

Thanks dooBdoo...

I appreciate your insights.

I am a very ardent participant in my therapy. I usually bring to my sessions quotes that have helped me, my own written feelings, songs that have given me strength (I even made a CD for this therapist of the songs that define my life). Instead of her going through the music to find out why that resonated with me, all she said was, "I didn't know so in so could sing?" She took the CD as entertainment for her, not as my homework to better have her understand me inside.

I make lists of what I'm feeling, etc. I do homework that is never asked of me. Yet, she never spends time on those things. I do those things to open conversation, to use them as tools in what I'm feeling and need to work on. Yet, she never discusses them. I swear, I feel like she's in practice just to sit and listen to people's stories for entertainment. I can call a help line for free to just vent, I don't need to pay her.

I think you are right that it's my time and if she wants to eat lunch, she needs to schedule that time in her day.

She does her own scheduling, no office staff, so it was her mix-up.

Anyway, I see the red flags and will not go back to her. I just am kicking myself for all the money I spent that was wasted (especially now being laid off of my job).

Thanks for your insight and advice.

[goodstuff]

A therapist who uses your scheduled appointment time to eat lunch in front of you is rude, ridiculous, and unprofessional. I'd tell her how you feel. If she doesn't give a convincing response, fire her and find another therapist. There are many therapists and many types of therapy. Have you tried a licensed pastoral counselor? They can be very helpful with the kinds of issues you're dealing with, and often they work for associations that charge on a sliding scale.

[dooBdoo]

On 11/9/2014 DARING GREATLY said:

Thanks dooBdoo...

I appreciate your insights.

I am a very ardent participant in my therapy. I usually bring to my sessions quotes that have helped me, my own written feelings, songs that have given me strength (I even made a CD for this therapist of the songs that define my life). Instead of her going through the music to find out why that resonated with me, all she said was, "I didn't know so in so could sing?" She took the CD as entertainment for her, not as my homework to better have her understand me inside.

I make lists of what I'm feeling, etc. I do homework that is never asked of me. Yet, she never spends time on those things. I do those things to open conversation, to use them as tools in what I'm feeling and need to work on. Yet, she never discusses them. I swear, I feel like she's in practice just to sit and listen to people's stories for entertainment. I can call a help line for free to just vent, I don't need to pay her.

I think you are right that it's my time and if she wants to eat lunch, she needs to schedule that time in her day.

She does her own scheduling, no office staff, so it was her mix-up.

Anyway, I see the red flags and will not go back to her. I just am kicking myself for all the money I spent that was wasted (especially now being laid off of my job).

Thanks for your insight and advice.

You're welcome, DG. Clearly, you're a motivated patient but you haven't found a motivated therapist. For certain, there are those in the profession who seem to have done the work to get their license and who then stop doing the work -- sad to say, I have encountered a few who do nothing but sit, listen, and then make the next appointment. Fortunately, there are good counselors, and even great ones, out there. Groups can be wonderful, too, but they're hard to find -- therapists are often wary of holding groups, because it's hard to get consistent attendance by all participants. Wish I had a magic answer, but I don't.

I send prayers and positive thoughts to you and to all who seek support.

[NYC Susan]

I worked in the mental health field for a long time. All therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. have their own style. Most of them do not tell you what to do. The goal is to help you figure things out and to guide you in the right direction. Some patients want someone to be more hands-on & vocal, and other patients want someone just to listen.

Finding the right therapist can sometimes take a long time. Very few people find a mutually compatible relationship with a therapist right off the bat for the reasons I stated above. Therapists have different styles, and patients have different needs. It's almost like dating - Patients have to find the therapist that's right for them.

My best advice is that if - for whatever reason - you feel as though you're not being helped, then you should move on to someone else. Yes, caring therapists do exist in the real world. And you shouldn't settle for anything less. Good luck!

[Black Cat Back]

This particular therapist would also laugh about things. She would say, "You've been through a lot, that's for sure," and laugh. It was so annoying. Her laughter to me was like she took things so lightly, without empathy or thinking of how I was feeling.

I did work hard on my therapy. When I outright ask the therapist, "Please, how do I work through my fears. I don't know what to do anymore?" And her pat answer is, "You'll deal with it." That is not her style, that is her lack of knowledge and experience and expertise to work with a client and to guide the client in any direction.

[game-on]

daring.... did you ever think that part of the problem is that you might be trying to control the sessions?

I read what you said.... you deserve a good therapist.... there is NO doubt about that.... however, unless the therapist assigns homework or asks you do certain things.... you may be sabotaging your own sessions.... just a thought....

[chrystaltree]

What do you mean by "therapist"???? Is she a psychiatrist? Clinical psychologist? Clinical social worker? It matters. If you aren't happy with this person, find a new one. Whatever her qualifactions are or are not; if you do not have a good rapport with her; she can't help you. Move on..... And stop looking for "television" type of therapy experience. That's just fiction. Therapy is hard work and it's not pleasant because you have to face realities that you would rather not face. No therapist, in the real world, will just let you talk and complain and vent. That's what friends are for. Talk therapy with genuine therapist serves a purpose.