Question regarding manners with adults - Page 5

haddon9 · ‎03-09-2010

@151949 wrote:
I'd say Why are you staring at me - do you need something?

@151949 . I would say do I have something stuck in my teeth? Then if she says no I would say you keep looking at me which makes me think something is wrong.

AussieLuvr · ‎01-28-2016

@Karen2722

Oh my goodness, I got chills reading this. Both my MIL and FIL were frequently awful to me. My MIL would sit across the table from me at dinner and whisper in her daughter's (my SIL) ear while staring at me. I knew she was talking about me, as she looked straight at me and I could hear her saying my name. It was horribly rude, and not only made me feel uncomfortable personally but was a double whammy since I, too, was raised with a very strong sense of manners and appropriate behaviors. I thought it was ignorant and horrid.

I dealt with both of my in-laws being frequently mean and rude to me but rarely said anything; I would simply remove myself from the situation. I kind of felt sorry for them because they obviously didn't know better than to act the way they did.

They are both gone now, recently passed away. I did more than my share of cooking, shopping and caring for them in the few years before they went to assisted living. I resented having to help to be honest because I had a very cool attitude toward them as a result of their behaviors.

I told my husband, and while he agreed with my feelings I don't think he ever did anything about it. His parents were stern and intimidating parents as he was growing up and even in his late fifties, I think he was still carrying that inside.

All I can say is that I always felt better about myself for not stooping to their level and being curt or snarky to them. I think they resented me because I am my husband's second wife and they were very old fashioned and did NOT like his divorce. I'm pretty sure they blamed me in their myopic way of viewing the world.

I, too, shared my feelings with a few friends. It is easy for people to be cavalier when they are on the outside, and I was frequently told I should call them on it. But I didn't, and though maybe I should have - I never felt as though I had cheated myself or my upbringing with crass behavior in ****** for tat fashion.

Alison Wonderland · ‎02-05-2018

@Sooner wrote:
@151949 wrote:
@occasionalrain wrote:
Everyone in my family and my husband's family have manners and are polite. I would never marry someone whose family members behaved inappropriately. Isn't that the purpose of being introduced to one's family prior to marriage? Isn't it to allow everyone to know just what they are to expect after the marriage?

I think most people marry because they love the person - bad in laws or not.
@151949 But you just said above:

I've lucked out - I never had a mother in law. First husband's Mom died in the bombing of London during WW11, second husband's Mom a year before he & I started dating again. She would have been a real problem - a large part of why I did not marry him when we dated the first time.

So which is it?

Can't it be both?

Most issues with family can be forgiven. I can forgive bad table manners and staring - pretty easily, really. Those wouldn't phase me at all. I can cope with a lot of things if I love someone.

Other things are harder. I had a boyfriend whose family had members with mental health issues that no one really wanted to deal with. His grandmother was a drunk and extremely rude, but I could manage that if we didn't see her too often. His mom was rude and obnoxious, which I could also manage. But when his mom stole his credit cards and his car and disappeared for three days during a manic episode, I was out. I was not going to sign up for that for the next 30-40 years of my life.

occasionalrain · ‎03-10-2010

Love that's lasting usually develops over time. Why devote that time to someone whose family isn't to your liking or standards especially if you want to have children? Marriage is lasting, or should be, so making your choice should be the most important decision you make.

qbetzforreal · ‎08-28-2010

Very weird scenarios. Appears that the husband is aware of the MIL's behavior and this is nothing new as the OP acknowledged that it's be a challenge since day one. Just don't sit anywhere her. You're an adult.