Community Chat

[Mominohio]

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@MacDUFF wrote:

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@Mominohio wrote:
 

...I may get slammed for this, but when you have tried everything else, and it fails, a stern reminder of her time in the nursing home/hospital and asking her if that is how she wishes to live the rest of her life might seem mean, but we all know that her safety is most important, and could bring the necessary changes.

...Many will do what they need to to avoid that, and while I don't like threats, sometimes it does come down to that.

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@Mominohio

You won't get slammed from me...I don't see this approach as a "threat" at all...I see it as tough love, which is sometimes necessary.

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@MacDUFF

Thanks, and you are correct.

It is indeed 'tough love', and that is not popular with many people these days, but becomes a true act of love not only with our kids, but with our elderly parents (grands) sometimes.

Doing what truly needs done in life is oftentimes not pretty, feels unkind, and down right hurts, but none of that makes it any less necessary.

[Yardlie]

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@MaggieMack wrote:

@Yardlie, I empathize with you. I didn't have any trouble getting my dad to use a walker, but did struggle with his stubbornness in other ways. He HAD to get his driver's license renewed at 91! Fortunately, he never drove because I took him everywhere. I'm sorry, indeed, that your mom had her recent fall, but, if I were you, I would resign myself to letting her exert her will. One day she will fall and come to the realization that a walker might not be such a bad idea. She has lived a long life, and I understand her still wanting to be in charge of those parts of her life that she feels she can. The best advice I can offer you is to continue to support her in the ways you can, and leave the rest to God.

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@MaggieMack, thank you so much for your empathetic response. You are probably correct...rather than fight her for the rest of her life. She is the one who needs to learn to accept her limitations. I appreciate your sensitive and candid response more than you know.

[momtochloe]

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@MacDUFF wrote:

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@Mominohio wrote:
 

...I may get slammed for this, but when you have tried everything else, and it fails, a stern reminder of her time in the nursing home/hospital and asking her if that is how she wishes to live the rest of her life might seem mean, but we all know that her safety is most important, and could bring the necessary changes.

...Many will do what they need to to avoid that, and while I don't like threats, sometimes it does come down to that.

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@Mominohio

You won't get slammed from me...I don't see this approach as a "threat" at all...I see it as tough love, which is sometimes necessary.

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@MacDUFF

@Mominohio

No slam from me either.  In retrospect I should have been much more firm with my mom but I couldn't because I was the youngest and she was my mom.  I have no regrets as it is what it is at that point in your life but to those that are now entering this phase in your lives with your parents I would always of course treat them with respect but they also need to understand the reality of the situation.  All of us more than wish our parents had the strength, dexterity and ability to do whatever it is they wished to do for as long as they would like but sometimes that is not the case.  I think if I had been more forthright with my mom we could have avoided a lot of the angst we encountered later on in her years.

[Yardlie]

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@ChynnaBlue wrote:

My grandmother was saying that "walkers are for old people" at 91, but eventually did use it because she didn't want to end up in the hospital.

Walkers ARE independence. The alternative is being pushed around in a chair, being picked up off the floor, and being hospitalized for every fall. Walkers allow her to get around on her own. They do not make her weak, they allow her to be independent.

What if you do it first or with her and show her there's no shame in using a walker? 

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Great, unique way of viewing independence. I'lll give that a try. Thank you so much!

[Mominohio]

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@momtochloe wrote:

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@MacDUFF wrote:

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@Mominohio wrote:
 

...I may get slammed for this, but when you have tried everything else, and it fails, a stern reminder of her time in the nursing home/hospital and asking her if that is how she wishes to live the rest of her life might seem mean, but we all know that her safety is most important, and could bring the necessary changes.

...Many will do what they need to to avoid that, and while I don't like threats, sometimes it does come down to that.

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@Mominohio

You won't get slammed from me...I don't see this approach as a "threat" at all...I see it as tough love, which is sometimes necessary.

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@MacDUFF

@Mominohio

No slam from me either.  In retrospect I should have been much more firm with my mom but I couldn't because I was the youngest and she was my mom.  I have no regrets as it is what it is at that point in your life but to those that are now entering this phase in your lives with your parents I would always of course treat them with respect but they also need to understand the reality of the situation.  All of us more than wish our parents had the strength, dexterity and ability to do whatever it is they wished to do for as long as they would like but sometimes that is not the case.  I think if I had been more forthright with my mom we could have avoided a lot of the angst we encountered later on in her years.

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It's like raising kids, you never really know if what you did was effective until it is over. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say.

Thanks for your perspective as someone who has 'been there done that' as that is the truly valuable point of view OP and the rest of us dealing/yet to deal with this, really need.

@momtochloe

[Yardlie]

@Annabellethecat66, thank you for showing me how to approach this situation from a different perspective. I want to respect my mother's feelings...even though it is hard on her to accept. I will think about everything you said and see if I can come up with a way that will get through to her.

I was my father's caregiver also, and he was so easy to deal with. My mother is a little on the narcissistic side...and demanding, so I have to think about what might get through to her. I appreciate your response...and from someone who knows!

[doxie1]

You have some great responses. I was able to realize that my mom needed to realize it was giving her more choice and independence, We had the talk that others have talked about where I told her that right now she could choose but if she ended up in a hospital or rehab facility she would lose some of her choices. I had the heart to heart with her that it would devastate me to come home and find her dead from falling and not being able to get help. She thought about it. Like annabelle said she did not want to cause me trauma and she realized she wanted to stay in her house instead of a facility. We had some one on call to take her places if she wanted to. She also agreed to have a dog walker stay with her for the dogs. She started by pushing the walker as if were a box she had to move. It took a couple of weeks for her to decide it came in handy and use it all the time on outings and most of the time at home. She now uses it all the time. She still has control and is able to decide where she goes and what she does so she is now happy. She said it helped to get her to see all the choices and freedoms that it would give her.

Good luck to you and know that you are being there and doing this out of love for your mom.

doxie

[Yardlie]

@Vivian Florimond, thank you so much for give me your approach to dealing with my mother. The "small steps" approach might work. We actually put a porta-potty in her room for night use.

I know you are dealing with a full plate right now also, so I'll add your family to my prayers. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my situation.

[Yardlie]

@Mominohio, I've been holding off on the nursing home threat. It could come down to that. In fact, her own mother ended up in the nursing home. Tough situation. Tthank you for your response. Something to consider for the future.

[Yardlie]

@doxie1, thank you for giving me some insight into how to have a heart to heart with her. She definitely needs to understand that I love her and have her best interests at heart, but as you said, I don't want to come home and find her dead from a fall.