Community Chat

[momtochloe]

This thread takes me back and also makes me so sad . . . when I started my first "real" job at 19 there was a woman that "had met the man of her dreams".  As she had had an unfortunate relationship prior to that everyone was thrilled for her.  Fast forward a year into the relationship and she starts showing up to work with odd injuries (a severe cut to her leg, back injuries, etc. but never anything to her face) . . . I was a dunce back then but I now realize he had to be beating the daylights out of her.  It makes me so sad when I think about her as she was such a quiet, timid  and sweet person . . .

I married a man who had a history of abuse.  Because he was successful and his friends were also successful everyone was thrilled that we got together as they knew I would "change" him . . . yeah, no.  Please know he never laid a hand on me but that was only because I told him if he ever hit me he better make it good because I would crawl to the police station to file charges if I had to.  Clearly I left him when I realize he and his friends (and to be honest me) were wrong about him changing but my heart breaks for women that cannot or do not have the resources to leave an abusive relationship.

[SaRina]

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@151949 wrote:

@SaRina OMG , your post reminded me of something that my Dad did - he was hanging drywall and asked my brother who was around 14 at the time , to hold the drywall for him. My brother stood behind my Dad holding the drywall in place and as my Dad went to swing the hammer he came back & hit my brother in the mouth with the hammer, full force. My brother lost several teeth and had a broken bone that had to be wired. My poor Dad felt horrible. One of the last things my Dad said to my brother before he died, over 50 years later ,  was "I still feel bad about breaking your teeth." 

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@How awful @151949!  I can imagine how horrible your dad felt.

My husband first yelled at me for getting in the way, then he laughed, then he felt badly and tried to console me. :-)

[Cakers3]

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@occasionalrain wrote:

There was a time when women had few if any options other than to stay in an abusive relationship. No more. There are shelters, legal recourse, Public Assistance... For that reason and for the fact that they put others at risk, including their children and the police who are called on again and again to respond, I have no sympathy for those who choose to stay.

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@occasionalrain  This post indicates that you have not worked in a professional capacity or at the very least volunteered in this subject matter.

While I agree that there are more recourses today, relief from abusive situations does not happen overnight.

Shelters are not meant to be long-term solutions.

Children still have to attend school.

Public assistance is not available at the drop of a hat-especially if the woman is married. 

Domestic violence is not something to take casually.   Not every woman is equipped emotionally to recognize that the abuse is NOT HER FAULT-no matter how many times she returns to the abuser.

Emergency restraining orders do not last forever, either.

It is very easy to assume that the woman does not deserve empathy because she returned to her abuser.  We know that even women who are trying their best to escape can still be found by her abuser.

This topic shouldn't be about the woman who returns; it should be about why not every solution works for every woman.

I would suggest that those who believe women are not worth sympathy for remaining in a very complex issue-legal, emotionally, physically, culturally, and so on take just one moment to volunteer and understand just how different every situation can be and just how different women can perceive themselves to be helpless.

There isn't always the grand solution for every case.

Fear is the most debilitating emotion that can either make or break a person's stamina, too.

[NycVixen]

Then a year or so after that, my boyfriend of several years whom I thought I knew well moved in after I was laid off from this very job. All was well at first, but soon after he became verbally and physically abusive; he would threaten me and push me more and more whenever I had a complaint about something he did. He felt empowered because he was paying most of the bills now. He would tear the phone line from the apt and take my cell phone so I couldn't call the cops. Neighbors heard and called on my behalf. I got a temporary restraining order.

My family refused to help me. I was all alone and broke and he moved back in after taking anger management classes. We were technically separated but still living together. I saved and saved from the little I got from unemployment and 7 months later found another job. That was in October and a few months after I had enough for a down payment on a new apt. I planned my escape and moved out at 7 am on a Saturday after he had come home drunk at 4 am. It was my own place but I left everything behind; I just took my bed and my clothes. 

I never looked back. What I also learned, is never to judge or say it can't happen to you.  No matter what, a woman has to be financially independent. Absolute power or the perception of, corrupts anyone.

[Noel7]

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@sidsmom wrote:

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@Noel7 wrote:

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@sidsmom wrote:

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@SydneyH wrote:

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I then asked if she had a casket picked out because that imo, is the the next step........

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That statement is highly inappropriate...especially w/ a co-worker.

I realize you've spoken to her about this before (which is inappropriate)

and in an odd way, you meant well, but I can't imagine how she feels.  

This is a 'MYOB' in the highest regard. 

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I agree @sidsmom  Asking if she has a casket picked out is one of the worst responses I've heard, it will make an abused woman run from you.

And I do know what I'm talking about, I worked in one of the first safe homes for abused women.

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@Noel7

It was a statement which...almost took my breath away.

I hope you can interject more content on the subject since

many have a misconception what we can do to help.

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@sidsmom

There isn't a lot Sydney could do.  I do like the suggestion by another poster to let the woman know she's there to listen.  If the woman shows any interest in getting help, Sydney could be ready with contact information for a woman's shelter or other service to help her.

Re: another poster saying she has no sympathy for women who don't just get out... the stats are that many women try seven times to leave before they do it successfully.  The reasons are usually overwhelming shame or that she or her children have been threatened.  It becomes a psychological effect like terrorism.

[happycat]

Yes, I worked with a woman who would come to work periodically beaten. Several of us tried to help her.

Long story short, she didn't come to work for a few days. When she did come back, she was kind of dazed, not right- she was worse this time that I had ever seen. Several of us tried to help, encouraging her to leave. One man who was single told her she was going to end up dead. Begged her to bring her 2 kids and stay with him till she could get int to a womens shelter. She would not leave. I was bringing her food, not sure if anyone else was or not. It was just pitiful.

I changed jobs soon after all that happened. I saw years later in paper, she was finally divorcing the husband.

A few years ago, I ran into her at Wal Mart. She said she was doing good. I hope she still is.

I really did think he would kill her.

@SydneyH, I hope your co worker gets help soon.

[momtochloe]

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@Cakers3 wrote:

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@occasionalrain wrote:

There was a time when women had few if any options other than to stay in an abusive relationship. No more. There are shelters, legal recourse, Public Assistance... For that reason and for the fact that they put others at risk, including their children and the police who are called on again and again to respond, I have no sympathy for those who choose to stay.

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@occasionalrain  This post indicates that you have not worked in a professional capacity or at the very least volunteered in this subject matter.

While I agree that there are more recourses today, relief from abusive situations does not happen overnight.

Shelters are not meant to be long-term solutions.

Children still have to attend school.

Public assistance is not available at the drop of a hat-especially if the woman is married. 

Domestic violence is not something to take casually.   Not every woman is equipped emotionally to recognize that the abuse is NOT HER FAULT-no matter how many times she returns to the abuser.

Emergency restraining orders do not last forever, either.

It is very easy to assume that the woman does not deserve empathy because she returned to her abuser.  We know that even women who are trying their best to escape can still be found by her abuser.

This topic shouldn't be about the woman who returns; it should be about why not every solution works for every woman.

I would suggest that those who believe women are not worth sympathy for remaining in a very complex issue-legal, emotionally, physically, culturally, and so on take just one moment to volunteer and understand just how different every situation can be and just how different women can perceive themselves to be helpless.

There isn't always the grand solution for every case.

Fear is the most debilitating emotion that can either make or break a person's stamina, too.

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@Cakers3         

Exactly!  

[Noel7]

The restraining order doesn't mean anything to a lot of men, they still go after the woman and often kill her, or sometimes kill her child to cause her everlasting pain.

[Happiness Is Inside JOB]

I am so sorry to hear of this situation. I have read some great stories of moxy on here from my QVC sisters, I love the lady whose daughter popped him right in the mouth and he was on the floor.  I love the sister who saved and moved out early one morning.  We as women are strong!!!

I have a saying I learned years ago - We teach people how to treat us. 

So when you don't like something you have to ****** ****** ****** it in the bud or end the relationship, one or the other.

Also for me, independence is a requirement, I have a saying, I pay the cost to be the boss.  For some men, when you are not working that gives them the courage to act a fool.

[Lucky Charm]

I worked with a woman who came to work with black eyes all the time.  So many times, I was told she could lose her sight.

Her excuse was she walked into a door.  (Like the door was open so she walked right into the thin side of the door, if that makes sense.)

Her husband picked her up as always and he, too, would have cuts on his face.

The woman reeked of (stale smelling) alcohol at work, so there was a lot going on.  They had no children.  I never said a thing to her about it but I know many did.

They say that many police officers lose their lives responding to domestic issues, sadly.

Just this week I heard on the radio of a female police officer who shot and killed her husband last month in her driveway right in front of their two or three kids.  She is not being charged as she was being abused by her estranged husband.  You wouldn't think it would happened to a trained police officer, but it can happen to anyone.