Community Chat

[Shanus]

---

@Moonchilde wrote:

@Poodlepet2,  ❤️ I don't usually think of it that way (or think about it much), but on some level yes, I have always been aware that I "pushed back" in one way or another as an adult. I never wanted to be my mother. I never, even as a child, valued what my mother valued. And she never understood what I value. She would occasionally say she understood, but I doubt that she did.

That is me 100% - I don't see things in black or white most of the time; my world is shades of gray. I too look at things from all sides as much as possible for me - sometimes it's easy to do, other times not so easy.

My mom was all about the Finer Things and status, and the money that would buy them. She was addicted to the power and prestige that she thought came with money. All you had to do was wave it under someone's nose and they would do your bidding. Failing that, people would do your bidding anyway because you were a (manipulatively) pretty, sexy, sweet, little old lady, or whatever worked.

She had all the prestige labels in her closet. She dressed to the nines, hair and makeup flawless and expensive for the sake of it being expensive. Her motivation in life was to impress people and get them to do what she wanted. Ewww (sorry Mom).

I'm pretty much the opposite. Partly because that aspect of her disgusted me when I saw it in action but partly because it just.isn't.me regardless.

---

@Moonchilde  I think we're sisters. 😜

[Moonchilde]

@Shanus, re the dressing - I think it's completely healthy to let an older child, adolescent and teen develop their own sense of style, rather than have it imposed by force.

My mother "dressed me" in the sense that she picked out and approved all my clothes during those years, because "I'm paying for them." She invariably put me into a color, or color combo, I hated and found drab and ugly. 

By my late teens/early 20s when I was earning money, I "had my colors done" - and learned that my colors, and my coloring, were the opposite of hers. She was choosing clothes for me based on what was pleasing to her eye, for herself. The colors that looked good on her look ghastly on me - and of course do to this day. I did get passive-aggressive towards the end of that and when she insisted on buying me something I hated, I'd tell her that she could buy it but I wouldn't wear it - the $$ would be wasted because it would sit in the closet. That did actually have an effect ;-)

I've never, ever been a fashion maven and have never wanted to be - but I could easily see some things she never could, apparently. When it was Father's Day, birthday, Xmas etc, and I would go shopping with my mom and pick out a shirt for my stepfather, I knew what colors were right for him because his coloring was very much like mine. She always thought my color choices were weird (they weren't at all) and that he would hate the item and was always shocked and amazed when he didn't, but in fact liked it. I didn't choose "male colors" like brown, beige and navy. (Who knew?)

For those who may never have thought about it, "What colors look good" on a person isn't some artificially created "thing", but just natural. From a young age we're all drawn to clothing, etc in certain colors - it's instinctive, between our eye and the mirror. You can certainly go against the flow and wear whatever you want, but you won't look as good to others' eyes as if you wore variations of "your" best colors - and people won't even know why it just seems meh. I think we're all familiar with "That color looks great on you" and "That dress/color does nothing for you."

Picture a cool summer dressed in autumn colors.

[dooBdoo]

            I read this thread with exquisite sadness and heartache.   And with inestimable respect and affection for all of you.   Referencing the question about feeling angry after the death of a parent, it's true that some people repress their feelings of anger for years.   It's complex and happens for a multitude of reasons, one of which is wanting to hold onto the dream of having loving, devoted parents.    At some point I think the dream dies, and the adult child is left to face "what was" and to grapple with the remnants of "what might have been."    When and if a person can release the anger, resentment, or other negative feelings and find a healthy way to move forward with a modicum of peace about their abusive, or negligent, or narcissistic parent(s) the scars will always remain, even if they're minimized to some degree.   The thing about scars...  they are a symbol.   As the quote says, they symbolize that you were and are stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.

            I wish and pray for good things, for each and every one of you who opened your heart and shared your experiences and your emotions.   I was not in your shoes, so I understand I'm blessed and I'm grateful for that.   But the stories recounted here do hit close to home for other reasons in my family.    A friend, who is a pastor, once wrote this to me:   "What I do with sorrow, pain and rage is use them for fuel.   If I'm careful with it, the fuel burns clean, with pure white plumes of regeneration and re-creation."      Your passion, warmth, honesty, and truth are a gift to others and your generosity of spirit burns with a glowing, even brilliant, flame that no one -- no parent, and no one who came after them -- was able to extinguish.   I'm honored to call you posting friends.

[Moonchilde]

Thanks, @dooBdoo, for some professional insight. I tend to forget it's been your profession.

I think for me the dream had died well before death, but I must have felt I needed to hold onto the illusion until there was nothing to hold onto it for. My best guess.

I actually feel emotionally healthier these days. 

[dooBdoo]

---

Moonchilde wrote:

Thanks, @dooBdoo, for some professional insight. I tend to forget it's been your profession.

I think for me the dream had died well before death, but I must have felt I needed to hold onto the illusion until there was nothing to hold onto it for. My best guess.

I actually feel emotionally healthier these days. 

---

            Hi, @Moonchilde.   I'm not sure about my profession helping...   my career in IT support and management in medical centers probably tangentially helps because I've been lucky to know some bright people who are in the mental health profession.    I've been in therapy, myself, for many, many years and I do think (hope) that's provided me some level of insight.   

           I'm glad you feel emotionally healthier now.  You know I wish you the very best.

[PinkSunset]

of course everyone deals with  things in their own way, doesn't make one way right and the other way wrong, just different,

I tend to look at life this way: As it is happening. Not yesterday and not tomorrow. 

My mother was not a warm person who knew how to give love to her family. but she was who she was because of many things, her own upbringing, her lack of confidence, her immaturity when she got married and had a lot of kids to raise, many things. It was not a childhood I would recall as fun, carefree, nurturing. But, she and my father did the best they could with what they had. I don't mean money, but the knowledge and wherewithal at those times to raise a family,

I would bet my own kids would tell stories of their childhood and have good memories and bad memories. But it doesn't matter. Because what matters is now, Here. Today. Have we learned and tried to do better? We talk a lot so they honestly tell me things that might be painful to hear but their honesty is what makes me strive to change.

In my family growing up, no one talked about feelings. I don't think they knew how. But it's all okay. My mother is gone now and I miss her. Not even sure why since we weren't close. But I feel now looking back at her life, and ours, that she may have had her own struggles to deal with and no one helped her. So she suffered alone. 

I hold no grudges about the past and hope that she has found her peace and love now.

that's my two cents.  For what's it worth. 

[Moonchilde]

Something I love (and is so honest and healthy IMO) is that is today's world women who don't want children don't have to fear the same kind of total excoriation they did before the mid-late 1960s when they make that decision - and, that many more women who do want children are able to be in a good place maturity-wise and financially before they have children. It's not 100% perfect (what ever is) but it's a whole lot healthier atmosphere to have children (or not have them) than in decades past.

[catwhisperer]

@Moonchilde...I don't know what happened, but I meant to quote your last post, not your first one. 

[Moonchilde]

---

@catwhisperer wrote:

@Moonchilde...I don't know what happened, but I meant to quote your last post, not your first one. 

---

Thanks @catwhisperer - I figured ;-)

[catwhisperer]

@Moonchilde...I deleted my post, because I realized it would just cause chaos with some posters and I don't want your thread to get deleted.