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Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,706
Registered: ‎01-02-2015

Re: How to step baI ck from a controlling sister


@dex wrote:

I still think if you don’t like her rules..do your own thing.Invite everyone and those who want will come..the rest are free to do what makes them happy.


You may actually be freeing others from her tyrannical behavior !!!!

Honored Contributor
Posts: 16,078
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: How to step back from a controlling sister

There was the problem with the thanksgiving pie,how did that go?

When you lose some one you L~O~V~E, that Memory of them, becomes a TREASURE.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 21,845
Registered: ‎10-03-2011

Re: How to step back from a controlling sister

[ Edited ]

@petepetey wrote:

Holidays bring out the best and worst of people.

 

My older sister has been a controlling person her whole life. It came to a head for me on Thanksgiving when she got mad at my 85 year old mother because she picked out the items for a bathroom remodel on her own, didn't let my sister help her decide.

 

What? My mother can choose her own floor/vanity etc. for her own bathroom. 

 

She was chilly towards my recently widowed mother that day. NOT OK.

 

Also she gave us the orders for Christmas, limiting our time with her family. We've had Christmas with them our whole lives. Now this year she pushed back the time to a late start. It's her house, she can do what she wants but why the change after decades of doing it the same?

 

My mother is very sad and upset by her behavior and so am I. 

 

 


@petepeteyNo offence to any "older" sisters out there but this seems to be the way things often run in families.  The oldest one is usually the boss, the middle is the peacemaker, and the youngest gets labeled as spoiled or favored.  I'm sorry you had a stressful holiday.  To be frank, we teach people how to treat us by what we put up with and allow them to get away with.  I'm thinking you sister has arrived at her position of authority because no one has ever set her straight.  It may be that she has other things going on that you know nothing about...marriage related, family related, work related, financial stress, who knows?  You could try talking to her one on one and see if you can clear the air.  If you want to keep the family party as it's always been, you can offer to host it.  Ultimately, if she continues to be more than you can tolerate, you have the option of distancing yourself from her.  Maybe a severe move like that would make her stop and think about her actions.  If she values the relationship, she'll want to fix it.  If she doesn't, you'll know where you stand.  It's hard with mom in the middle because moms just want everyone to get along.  Best of luck.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 16,078
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: How to step back from a controlling sister

When you allow a person to get their way , over and over ,they will continue to do it,only one way to stop it ,is for you to stop doing that ,no matter what your mom thinks.

When you lose some one you L~O~V~E, that Memory of them, becomes a TREASURE.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,725
Registered: ‎10-01-2013

Re: How to step back from a controlling sister

I would say to big sister, "Thank you for the invitation, but mom and I will not be able to make it." Then I would do whatever I wanted to do with mom. It would be less stressful and more fun. Besides, you should be able to enjoy the holiday anyway you like. 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,652
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: How to step back from a controlling sister

[ Edited ]

@petepetey, when I got tired of doing Christmas according to one family member’s routine, I simply announced in July that we were having Christmas at home this year.  They were invited to come or not.  If you want to get out of a routine you dislike, announce it early and go your own way.  There is no reason you cannot change things.  No acrimony necessary, just announce it and do it even if it may mean a smaller group at the table.  

 

It is your choice whether you get defensive about it.  I wouldn’t go down that road.  You make that decision, not her.

 

If I want a change, I make it so.  LM

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,892
Registered: ‎03-20-2010

Re: How to step baI ck from a controlling sister

[ Edited ]

@KingstonsMom wrote:

@CrazyDaisy wrote:

Why not have a conversation with her.  Perhaps there is something going on that you are not aware.  Seems silly to post on a message board and let people take pot shots at her.


 

What seems "silly" to me, is when one poster decides what other posters should or should not post here, as well as how others respond to that poster's topic/question.

 

It's not your circus, not your monkeys. 


Did not tell anyone what they can post, i can post my opinion.  

Someday, when scientists discover the center of the Universe....some people will be disappointed it is not them.
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,892
Registered: ‎03-20-2010

Re: How to step baI ck from a controlling sister


@Mom2Dogs wrote:

@CrazyDaisy...there is nothing wrong with posting things like the OP did on these boards...we all need to vent and need support at times...If you leave a life with no conflict, I applaud you.


With only one side of the story, posters are only looking for sympathy not insight.

 

Every life has conflict, adults address issues.

Someday, when scientists discover the center of the Universe....some people will be disappointed it is not them.
Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,249
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: How to step back from a controlling sister

You are an adult and you don't have to do what your sister says or wants you to do. Just simply let her know that her Christmas plans are hers and won't work for you. Also your Mom needs to just tell her it is her bathroom and she chose what she wanted and likes. You can be nice about it but she can only treat you the way you allow her to.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,083
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: How to step back from a controlling sister

 


@RetRN wrote:

I would say to big sister, "Thank you for the invitation, but mom and I will not be able to make it." Then I would do whatever I wanted to do with mom. It would be less stressful and more fun. Besides, you should be able to enjoy the holiday anyway you like. 


@RetRN  If it's like my family, mom woudn't go off with me.  She'd want us all together, and keep hoping we'll somehow work through years of differences and be friends after she (mom) is gone.