Community Chat

[RetRN]

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@CrazyDaisy wrote:

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@Mom2Dogs wrote:

@CrazyDaisy...there is nothing wrong with posting things like the OP did on these boards...we all need to vent and need support at times...If you leave a life with no conflict, I applaud you.

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With only one side of the story, posters are only looking for sympathy not insight.

Every life has conflict, adults address issues.

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What!? How would you know what a poster is looking for? I think most are looking for thoughts, ideas, input, opinions, and knowledge others care to share. But sympathy? Not. 

[ItsME]

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@Patriot3 wrote:

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@Mom2Dogs wrote:

@ID2...if you had a sister like mine a sit down would never work...it is never her fault..her way or the highway.....I lived it until I had to cut ties...people are not always reasonable.

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@Mom2Dogs  I have a sister like that.  I finally cut ties, too, and my life is much more peaceful.

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Count me among those cutting ties.  My first full sentence in life was "Uh huh you mean" after she slammed a door in my face.  At 58, after three incidents in two days, I said that's it.  Never again.  Best thing I ever did.  

Mom, who witnessed those last incidents, and understood why I cut thing off, still wishes I'd relent and work it out.  But I can't work it out if sis doesn't acknowledge how she treats me, and she'll never do that.  Quite honestly, things would be different if she'd been corrected when we were kids, but she was allowed to dominate and bully me, and the behavior was so ingrained that it continued into adulthood.  It's a shame, but I'll never have to put up with it again, and my life is better for ending the relationship.

@petepetey .... Sis, who is wonderful to most people, including mom, also mocks mom at times.  Sis thinks her way in the only way, when there is more way to do something.  

[Sooner]

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@petepetey wrote:

Holidays bring out the best and worst of people.

My older sister has been a controlling person her whole life. It came to a head for me on Thanksgiving when she got mad at my 85 year old mother because she picked out the items for a bathroom remodel on her own, didn't let my sister help her decide.

What? My mother can choose her own floor/vanity etc. for her own bathroom. 

She was chilly towards my recently widowed mother that day. NOT OK.

Also she gave us the orders for Christmas, limiting our time with her family. We've had Christmas with them our whole lives. Now this year she pushed back the time to a late start. It's her house, she can do what she wants but why the change after decades of doing it the same?

My mother is very sad and upset by her behavior and so am I. 

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@petepetey  OK.  So mom is 85, you sisters are what, in your 50's or older?  You've been this way your whole lives, it isn't going to change now, so stop being huffy and enjoy that you do at least have family now.  

If your sister was upset with mom, that's between them not you.  If mom can pick out bathroom items, she can decide what SHE wants to do about your sister's attitude.  She's still mom unless she has dementia.

Why are you upset that you won't get to spend more time at the sister's house?  Is that really a big deal?  Maybe at this stage, she wants to shorten the day and make it easier on her and everyone.  I'd say that's reasonable to me.  

So what's really going on here?  Step back and see if your hurt feelings and frustration are from stress on you--maybe mom getting older, life piling up on you, or too much to do at the holiday times. 

I'd be surprised if any of what you talked about is the underlying problem.  I hope you can relax and find peace and happiness for the upcoming holidays.  They are a treasure, and one that does change so much at this time of life.  Go with the flow, don't expect perfection, and cherish those around you!  Cut yourself and all involved some slack.  

[qbetzforreal]

How to step back from a controlling person in this case a sister?  Just step back, minimize contact.  Why spend time with someone who annoys you.  Although, I have not read anything late would indicate controlling behavior.   I think the real issue is that she changed the time when Christmas gets started which is her right, it is her house.  It seems as though she changed a long standing start time.

As to mom's bathroom, perhaps she was concern that your mom given her age might have been taken advantage of due to her age and gender.  This does happen.

If your sister's behavior bothers you, then speak to her.  Certainly regarding the perceived disrespect to your mom.  As to Christmas, your family can have it's own celebration and join her family later.

[Big Joanie]

What's wrong with asking for a little sympathy ...??

[SXMGirl]

@petepetey, in my opinion, controlling can be another word for bullying.  I have family members just like that, but I do not play.  Host the dinners that you can do and set the tone.  Either your sister will show up or she will not.  Speak up when you don't like something.  Those who enjoy controlling will back down if they are challenged, even if challenged in a nice way.  Take a firm stance and you will not regret it.

[chrystaltree]

It's that time of year when family squabbling happens.  Just like clock work.  It's your sister's home, she gets to decide when guests arrive and it sounds like you're only upset about the time change because you are upset about how she treated your mother.  You mom is 85, I assume your sister is 60is or 50ish.  She is who she is and she isn't going to change.  Your mother is old enough and wise enough to know that.  My guess is your sister's bad behavior didn't upset your mother as much as it did you.  Of course, you could fix that my calming things down  "she didn't mean anything my it, Mom.  You know that's how she is".  Instead of riling things up.  As you said, this is how your sister is.  So it's no surprise to anyone.  If you have celebrated the holidays together for decades, that's not going to change.  If you want a nice Christmas, put this grudge aside.  Just let it go.  It is just family holiday drama.  Trust me.  My siblings go through our holiday drama every year too.  But, I think as I approach that 60 mark; I just don't let it get to me as much.  In my family, it's my middle sister who causes the dust ups.  I'm the oldest, I'm trying to start a new family tradition.  One in which I anticipate what will set her off and I don't let her push my buttons.  

[ROMARY]

Talking just doesn't work, in some (maybe many) situations.

Some people are so controlling that they end up being out of control. 

p.s.  'Oh', and they end up continuously reminding you exactly how controlling they are, over and over again, in subtle ways........It's their M.O.  

After all, there's no satisfaction in it (for them) if the victim doesn't realize it. 

I learned about this in a Justice TV episode.  Made sense to me........

[KingstonsMom]

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@Big Joanie wrote:

What's wrong with asking for a little sympathy ...??

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@Big Joanie

Or at least a little empathy.

But some people don't know the meaning of the word....I feel sad for them.

[Big Joanie]

My family is so bad we can't even all be at a wedding without a fight

taking place ....

So about 15 years ago we cut off all contact .. I didn't want my children

thinking this was the norm .......