Community Chat

[Feliciti]

My condolences on your uncle's passing. Both my parents died within 3-1/2 months 6+ years ago. They were both 88, so there was no real shock, but it was still a very untethered feeling when they were both gone. I wasn't in your exact situation, but time does ease the intensity of the grieving. I still have a good cry when I least expect it, but those are few and far between. I deal with their loss by remembering happy times and sharing memories with my siblings. My faith also is a strength for me. My relationship with my two sisters has been as strong as ever. You'll find you need each other even more, I think. Nurture and build those relatioinships now if need be.

My best advice doesn't apply to grieving but to the time while your mother is still here: Ask as many questions as you can think of about her childhood, family, relatives, etc. Since my parents have been gone, I've though of a thousand questions I wish I'd asked. 

[lovesrecess]

You can never be truly prepared emotionally to lose a parent. The only way to prepare is to have funeral and/or burial arrangements made in advance, with their choices honored. Do you have to leave your home or can it be willed to you so you can stay in it for a period of time before selling it? A lot to consider. If and when it happens, I would throw myself into my job or volunteer work. You have a full plate, emotionally..and you and your mother will be in my prayers.

[Porcelain]

There is also no way to get away with not creating a strong social support system for yourself--not forever. You have to have backups for everyone you rely on in any way. Whoever you would call to bring you something or give you a ride if you broke your leg? Make sure you have multiple people you can call, who will actually help you.

For anyone this applies to, there is no shame in not having that system completely set up. Just keep working at it if you need to. The best way to expand your support system is to meet people simlilar to yourself in some way, get to know them, and be there for them consistently (filtering for good people who reciprocate, not just take without giving back).

[Laura14]

@Porcelain   I think this is my biggest problem spot on.  I've been so insulated with family, family, family, literally all my life as the oldest kid that I don't have those other persons.  I think that really scared me at the funeral on Saturday.  Time to really work on that and get outside the walls again.    

The good news is my mom seemed more herself last night and we are getting together with my baby sister tonight.  Making the most of the moments we do have as lots of you have suggested.  Really great advice on this thread! 

[Porcelain]

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@Laura14 wrote:

@Porcelain   I think this is my biggest problem spot on.  I've been so insulated with family, family, family, literally all my life as the oldest kid that I don't have those other persons.  I think that really scared me at the funeral on Saturday.  Time to really work on that and get outside the walls again.    

The good news is my mom seemed more herself last night and we are getting together with my baby sister tonight.  Making the most of the moments we do have as lots of you have suggested.  Really great advice on this thread! 

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It is extrordinarily common. You'd be surprised. Our world is not well set up for real connection right now. I've been working on this for a while. It is worth it.

I'm glad your mom seemed more herself last night and you are getting together with your sister. 

[Laura14]

Thank you @Porcelain .  You've made me feel a lot better in a whole lot of ways.  

[texassunflower]

@Laura14  I was two years older than you when my mother had a major stroke. I took early retirement from teaching and was her caregiver for 4 1/2 years. I was very grateful for my pension and mother moved into my home. I am her oldest child, single with no children also. My life revolved around home healthcare, numerous doctor's appointments, medications, and taking care of her daily needs. I adored my mother and did this willingly. The more hospitalizations and health issues the more you adjust to the fact your mother won't live forever. My mother died at my home under hospice care. I honestly thought I would have to move because I didn't think I could live here without her. So I understand your situation. I would think about moving before your mother dies. If that's not possible, talk to your sisters about staying and maybe paying rent or mortgage.

There things I would have done differently. I lost contact with friends because their lives were radically different from mine. Two years later, I am still reconnecting. Find a strong support system. Talk to your sisters about who will care for your mother if she can't care for herself. My brother and sister are younger and still have to work. Being single with no children, they may assume it will be you. Save every penny that you possibly can now so finding a new home won't be so daunting. If you don't want to be executor of her will, I would tell your mother now. Keep in close contact with your sisters. Like others have stated, you have no idea how you will react when the time comes. You will always miss your mother. Everyone says time heals. I am still waiting two years later.

[ALRATIBA]

My brother died suddenly of a heart attack when he was 53.  He died while sitting on his living room couch on a sunny afternoon.

My father died at 88 in the hospital recovery room after surgery. 

My mother died in her sleep.  She was 94. 

I used to spend my vacations with them and I think because I'm the oldest child - at least once every trip, we'd spend an afternoon talking the past and the future.   

So - when the time came to return to their maker - there was really no trauma.   After the funeral services - we went to celebrate their lives.