Re: How do/did you guys deal with the inevitable?

KaySD · ‎08-16-2016

@Laura14
First, don't read too much into her "death prep" urge. I'm an older person myself, and everyone I know seems to go through a few periods of this. More often than not, it passes. I believe it's part of the way we each process our own aging. It doesn't happen in a moment for most of us, but in waves. It's not morbid, either--we're just easing our way--each in our own way.

For now, I feel there's nothing wrong with, as you said, putting it out of your mind and dealing with it when it happens. Especially if that means you can focus on the present and enjoy your life, including your time with her. I don't see an upside for either you or your mother in carrying around heavy thoughts and feelings about her death. That's like grieving double--now and again when it happens.

And really, you have no way to know what you will actually feel. I'd even say it's almost guaranteed that whatever you imagine you will feel, the reality will be different--probably both better and worse--certainly more variable. Grief is very personal. Give yourself the gift of experiencing it your own way and in your own time. It heals. We adapt and grow.

Bottom line, stay in the present now, and stay in the present after she dies.

What you said makes me think you will be dealing not only with loss but with a major change in your circumstances. That might be worth preparing for, as best you can. Think of it like one would any major change--a new job, a big move, retirement, etc. A good way to envision it is from the standpoint of preparing a welcome for yourself.

Imagine yourself happily living in your changed reality, and do whatever you can do now to support that vision. Might include paying more attention now to building other relationships, developing new skills, exploring new activities, getting your financial ducks lined up, whatever. It could be a good time to strengthen your relationships with your sisters. They may have busy lives, but sisters are very special, especially the older you get.

Start to get used to the idea of being you in a new way--who do you want to be in the next part of your life?

BTW, you never need to feel bad or guilty or anything about planning and looking forward to the next part of your life. It's nice to feel our adult children love us, but your mom will benefit so much more from seeing you happy and fulfilled in your own life. This will make it so much easier and more joyful for her to let go whenever the time comes.

Take care--I wish you well.

Puppy Lips · ‎05-09-2010

My Dad died 4 years ago. I can not believe it has been that long already. My Mom has been in and out of the hospital so much this year and at times I thought she was at the end. She is okay for now, but I never know when our "last" conversation will be. So, I started to write down everything we talk about when I am on the phone with her. My son is getting married in January and I wonder if she will make it to then.

For the OP, since you will have no other family, I think you need to think about what you want your next chapter to be. Where you want to live and what you want to do. I think having friends can sometimes be better than having family around. In my opinion, I think it would be a good idea to just think about those things now, imaging another life, so you are more comfortable with it all when the time does come. Good luck to you.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Margaret Mead

Laura14 · ‎06-09-2014

@kare29 She does have a will and a husband so I know that it's all planned out somewhere.

As the oldest, I would probably be named executor which I will quickly abdicate to one of my sisters. I just don't think I could do it. And if her husband is still with us, I'm sure it passes to him with the exception of the home I currently live in. She's been admant about that being ours.

That is to be divided between myself and my sisters which is why I would have to move to give them their inheritance.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and advice. I'm trying not to dwell and I have made plans in my own mind for a few years now. With the passing of my uncle, it just got really real and it's comforting to know others have gotten through it to a new normal on the other side too.

deeva · ‎03-09-2010

You cannot prepare for it. Even thinking about my parents dying was so painful that I would put it out of my mind.

However, once I saw my parent and sibling in constant pain with no chance of recovering, I came to the realization that their passing would be much sooner than I ever thought it would. And their pain was gone.

Laura14 · ‎06-09-2014

@KaySD I have printed this out it is full of such wisdom. Thank you! It validates a lot of directions I have started to step in.

I am always so grateful to the posters here on topics like this. Your compassions, insights, and advice is just absolutely beyond when someone needs a kind word or an experience in acknowledging we're not alone.

Jordan2 · ‎03-16-2010

@Laura14 I am going through this now. My mother passed away on January 31 of this year. I took care of her for many years, I have no regrets in doing so. At the end my mother was ready to go, she was in so much pain and was begging to go. I lied to her telling her I would be okay,I didn't want her to hold on for me, I'm still not okay. On July 13 it was my birthday, I cried the day before, I wasn't looking forward to it. I don't think any of us are prepared for the death of a loved one, even if you know it's coming. You just have to take one day at a time, be kind to yourself, and grieve the only way you know how.

Laura14 · ‎06-09-2014

@Jordan2 I remember your birthday post. I will keep you and your mom in my prayers and I'm saying Happy Birthday again for her and from me.

KaySD · ‎08-16-2016

@Laura14 wrote:
@KaySD I have printed this out it is full of such wisdom. Thank you! It validates a lot of directions I have started to step in.

I am always so grateful to the posters here on topics like this. Your compassions, insights, and advice is just absolutely beyond when someone needs a kind word or an experience in acknowledging we're not alone.

@Laura14

Your reply sits happily in my heart. Thank you.

We are never alone!

ThinkingOutLoud · ‎05-01-2020

@Laura14 wrote:
This past weekend, we laid my uncle to rest after years with Parkinson's.

My mom (his sister) has been making comments in the past year or so about not being here much longer. I get the train of thought. She is about 5-7 years from when her parents and now sibling passed.

She keeps up with her doctor's appointments and just had her annuals and, apparently came through with flying colors so nothing is imminent.

She said yesterday she has a lot to get done before she dies in fixing up the house where I live so that it's saleable for us when she goes and she's been at it for two weeks now. It really hit me hard and I broke down a bit last night.

How do or did you guys handle actually being alone in the world without your mom or dad? I know it's coming at some point and everyone goes through it but the anxiety is really getting to me.

I am kind of in a unique position in that I never married or had kids so my whole world is going to change forever in literally every way from not having my home anymore to possibly having to leave my job so I can move elsewhere to losing touch with my sisters who have their own families.

Just wondering if you guys have any advice for preparing for "that day" or if you just have to put it out of your mind and deal the best you can with it when it happens?

First, your mom can out-live the age her parents/sibling passed (my father-in-law is living proof of that by several years).

Second, maybe fixing up the house etc is giving her something to focus on and still be/feel productive. This might also indicate how she's feeling about her brother's passing so maybe open up a dialog?

If it were me, I would:

- decide to live closer to my sibling/s (based on where you could get work, etc) and start establishing traditions, etc with them now so the transition isn't as abrupt. Keep in mind that you might have to be the one to get the ball rolling and keep it going since they have other things on their plate. Consider offering to babysit, etc which would be a win-win.

- join a group (ie facebook, religious, etc) with people your age/circumstance. Do this now to ease the transition later. Choosing a 'worldwide' one will make it so even if your job/location changes, this group is still in place.

I also like what was mentioned previously about making memories with your mom now.

Hope this helps some. Live for today but plan for tomorrow. {hugs}