Community Chat

[LilacTree]

I have a lifelong friend, we’ve been “best friends” since we were eight years old.  We are now both eighty, soon to turn eighty-one.  She had a very serious stroke last fall from which she has recuperated very well, with just some weakness on her right side.  She is able to drive and do most of the things she used to do physically.

However, she has been fighting with practically every member of her family for the past few months and is always sending their texts to me and her responses for my advice on how she is handling these issues.  I know what she really wants is for me to agree with her.  Sometimes I can readily see that she herself is causing most of the problems, but so far I have managed to avoid saying anything that would upset her.

Today I called her and very carefully said she should consider dropping a particular issue she’s been having with a relative because I’m worried it is harming her health to get so upset.  She did not have a good reaction to that.

Some of you may tell me I should just stay out of it altogether, but if I did that, I know I would lose her friendship.  Other than these issues we have a good relationship, laugh a lot about old times and for those reasons I want to keep our relationship . . . We have known each other all of our lives and that’s a hard thing to throw away.

what do you think?

[Laura14]

I know you have been through it yourself these past few months so be mindful that her stress doesn't become yours. 

If it makes her happy, after 70 plus years of friendship, saying "Yes, Dear" to please her and make her feel better even if it's not what you personally think may just be the saving grace for both of you.  Then quickly change the subject to something else and enjoy her.

Glad to see you back!    

[SahmIam]

@LilacTree  Sounds like you're her venting board. So, let her vent and then send her a smiley face with the words "I understand". She doesn't want advice, she wants solidarity in her drama. Give her that and be done with the text of the moment.

[goldensrbest]

Glad to see you here, sorry about the problem, maybe she is having some mental issues, maybe feeling left out from her family?

[blackhole99]

You have already answered your own question, keep your mouth shut and you will keep her as your friend. It sounds like you are disposable to her though.

[JeanLouiseFinch]

What any of us thinks doesn’t really matter.  You made your choice on what to do and justified it accordingly but to me it sounds like you can’t win either way.  Either you don’t get involved and she’s mad or you offer a suggestion and she’s mad.  Who wants to live like that?  Examine the relationship and determine if it’s always been like that.  Then you need to ask yourself is if your relationship is as good as you’ve convinced yourself it is or is it only that good when you keep your opinions to yourself and agree with her.  

[ShowMe]

@LilacTree.....Please don't throw that friendship away.  You are important to her, as she is important to you.  That's a long time friendship.....many folks don't have that honor.  

My very dear friend and I have been friends 60 years this year.  And, we are going to go out and celebrate.

Maybe you could go out for lunch one day soon, and that would be a good time to talk some of this out.  Much better to do in person than by texting.

 These are only suggestions.....

[drizzellla]

I think you made a good decision. You tactfully tried to express your opinion. And she did not take it too well. So try and keep out of her family disputes. She did not see your point about letting an issue pass. 

When my Mom got older, she was one tough cookie. She had her opinion and no one else's opinion was right. EXCEPT for my one brother. Whatever he said was right.

So I literally tried and tried to explain things to my Mom but I was always wrong. Sadly she got to be quite well known to the Social Worker at the nursing home.

So continue to be her good friend and enjoy each other's company. 

[Imaoldhippie]

Hi, its good to see you back.  I hope you are doing great!

After anyone has a stroke there is brain damage, be it a small amount to larger amount.  Your friend is showing signs of some type of damage to her brain and it cant be helped.

Its a hard thing but try being as neutral as possible.  Also, dont be blindsided if she turns on you at some point.

[LilacTree]

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@Laura14 wrote:

I know you have been through it yourself these past few months so be mindful that her stress doesn't become yours. 

If it makes her happy, after 70 plus years of friendship, saying "Yes, Dear" to please her and make her feel better even if it's not what you personally think may just be the saving grace for both of you.  Then quickly change the subject to something else and enjoy her.

Glad to see you back!    

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@Laura14

That is pretty much what I have been doing.  However this last one has been dragging out back and forth far too long, so I thought maybe I could talk her down from it.  I’ll see now what happens.  She usually calls every day, sometimes twice.  Good advice, Laura, thank you.