Giving “advice” - Page 2

cherry · ‎03-09-2010

Be Swiss. At this point in your lives ,your friendship is what matters. You are a diplomat, and I think you know how to couch your phrases, in a way ,that will let you remain neutral

Right now ,you need your friendship, more than you need agro ,or trying to fix someone else. At her age, you won't change her , and with her stroke ,it might have made her a bit different, than she used to be. You can always say you are tired, and not able to help right at this moment , which is probably more true, than false

SunValley · ‎04-19-2010

Could her stroke have affected her personality? I ask this as her argumentative behavior may be something new and not her normal state. I agree that she wants someone to back up her position. This is not easy when you don’t fully agree with her. I would tell your friend that you respect and value your long friendship, and your friendship boundary means staying out of her family business.

LilacTree · ‎03-25-2012

@SahmIam wrote:
@LilacTree Sounds like you're her venting board. So, let her vent and then send her a smiley face with the words "I understand". She doesn't want advice, she wants solidarity in her drama. Give her that and be done with the text of the moment.

@SahmIam

I do that a lot of the time. I will keep doing it. Thank you!

Formerly Ford1224
We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Elie Wiesel 1986

LilacTree · ‎03-25-2012

@goldensrbest wrote:
Glad to see you here, sorry about the problem, maybe she is having some mental issues, maybe feeling left out from her family?

@goldensrbest

That’s what I’m thinking too. We are old, and I’ve noticed some changes in my own family about my place in various ways. Once one turns 80 and has health issues as well, there is a change in the dynamic. I happen to accept it, and perhaps she doesn’t. Thank you Golden’s!

Formerly Ford1224
We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Elie Wiesel 1986

dex · ‎03-09-2010

@LilacTree@I am glad to see you!I hope this is the sign that you are recovering nicely and will be back to regular posting.I think your friend is just a little cranky because of health problems.I agree with others who said that you should just listen but not advise.You don’t need to be a middleman...you are having your own struggles and need some cheerful conversation to bolster your own spirits.I would tell her that I only wanted to talk about fun stuff since you have both been sick for awhile.

Drythe · ‎07-09-2011

@LilacTree

It is so very good to see you back!

I would say that if you value the friendship, and it seems as if you do, I would refrain from making any direct comments.

After 25 years a very dear friend drug me kicking and screaming into a disagreement I had managed to avoid for years. Under her manipulation, I was unknowingly put into a situation where I had to give an opinion. It went very badly, just picture the worst.

All those years I listened, nodded, said ‘uh uh’, ‘oh, I see’, ‘well’, ‘humm’ until she was willing to move along, and then I changed the subject, sometimes it took two or three tries.

That’s what I would do in your situation. She may feel that she is loosing control of parts of her life and need some affirmation from you.

Back to you! Try to eat, so you can grow stronger, I know you said it was difficult. Sending Very Best wishes to you!

"Animals are not my whole world, but they have made my world whole" ~ Roger Caras

Teddie · ‎03-10-2010

Getting to know you as I have on these boards, dear @LilacTree, I know you are a caring, tender hearted person. Anyone to have you in their life is blessed. I have NO doubt at all you are handling this situation just right. It’s not fair to you to not be able to ever give your opinion without fear of the repercussions. I know how that feels. If you’ve been friends this long she should be able to hear your gentle suggestion.

It’s so wonderful that you are coming along in your healing process!

CelticCrafter · ‎03-09-2010

I wouldn't offer any advice or comment on any of the issues she is trying to drag you into nor would I agree or disagree with her. Change the subject if she brings it up.

KaySD · ‎08-16-2016

That's's a tough one! Having longer life experience doesn't always make relationships easier. Coincidentally, if there are coincidences, I read this in a newsletter article just today. I've paraphrased it but captured the central idea. Maybe it applies for you.

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A few years ago, I got really uncomfortable when I felt pressure to turn my imperfect experience into advice for someone. And as it turned out, we drifted apart. Advice doesn't connect us. Advice doesn't help us to listen. I felt trapped by wanting to help but knowing I didn't have the right answer, knowing "it depends" is usually the only way to answer. Then I discovered that the way forward is simply to be up front about what I was sharing and why. Instead of offering advice, I could simply say, “This is what’s worked for me.” Or, “Here’s what I’ve seen work for someone in a similar situation.”