Community Chat

[Sage04]

---

@nascarfan wrote:

I would contact your MIL after the holidays and suggest to her that you eliminate exchanging gifts. Apologize for the Christmas gift you sent that caused her such distress and that in the future you will donate to a charity of "your" choosing on her behalf. AND never feel bad if a gift you give someone is not well received.  That's the recipients problem.

---

@nascarfan  if there is a next time @ScrapHappy  should let her DH pick out the gift. Once MIL finds out her son picked it out, she just might love whatever it is.

Somehow I get the impression that the MIL isn't too into @ScrapHappy .

The MIL has a refridgerator with the freezer on the bottom. If it's anything like mine, that freezer is very big. It takes a lot to fill that up.

[HisElk1]

---

@Starpolisher wrote:

Next time? Huh! That would be the end of my ever getting her a gift! If hubs wants her to have a gift, let him get it. People need to understand that a gift is just that...a gift! You don't owe it to them. They should be gracious and thankful that you thought of them and took your time and money to get them something. 'Cause guess what. There is no Santa Claus! This is why my daughter in law always says she hit the jackpot when she got me( her friends too) I try to be the MIL I wish I had, not the one i did have!

---

@Starpolisher , great post.  Many years ago, I was pregnant with my 2nd child, the first being 2 years old.  I dreaded what I would get from my then MIL.  I remember so clearly when my dear mother would tell me just to be grateful and accept her gifts.

**********************************

Then comes Christmas day as we sit down to exchange gifts.  My mother was sitting next to me and as I was opening my ex MIL's gift, I had no words.  She gave me a set of Jenny Craig exercise cassette tapes.  My mother leaned over to me and quietly said, "now I know why you dread getting gifts from her".

****************************

I was between hurt and angry and the quietness of that moment was deafening.  

*****************************

Many years later, we divorced and I remarried with a wonderful MIL who has passed on, but she gave me the nicest gifts and always treated me well.

[Sooner]

The more I think about this the more illogical it is to surprise someone with frozen food. I order frozen fish and  dread when it comes.  We have a freezer in the garage and one in house and I'd have to clean out a space for more stuff.

So what is the gigantic motivating factor to have to surprise someone with a gift? Why?  What is that all about? Isn't that a terribly bad idea?  If they don't want a gift must they have one anyway?

Is love and thanks and good wishes really never enough?  Is the gift for the giver or the recipient? I always ponder this at Holidays. . .

[jannabelle1]

So your MIL didn't like a box of frozen meats you sent her without asking if she could use them? I don't blame your MIL! Just because you think a gift like that would benefit her, does't mean that she thinks the same way. Next time, ask her if she could use xxx, or if she'd like xxx. And don't confront her, please. She maybe could have been a better recipient (whether or not she wanted the items), but you could have asked her first.

[MarieIG]

I think MIL and BIL were rude.

If either complains to you, I would tell her/him that next year MIL won't receive a gift that requires her to find storage space.  And make future gifts a donation to charity.  Fini. 

[lynnie61]

@JoyFilled Warrior    I totally agree with you, but I still have a few old friends, including myself, that we send a lot of thank you’s, how are you, thinking of you cards, so there is a few of us old fashioned ones left.  I love to send cards, whether thinking of you, or checking on a few friends, or hope you are feeling better.  We all never know what is on someone else plate at any point in their life.  A card can cheer someone up, or make some ones lonely day brighter.  

*

I still send a lot of Christmas cards, and I get many, many back.  Not because they send me one, but I want to touch base with some that I don’t see, but think about.  Some older friends, it may be the only mail they get.  One friend told me she got six cards last year, and she was so thrilled.  Most of her family and friends had passed.  Some of the very old friends have never sent a text or even turned on a computer.  It makes me sad that some don’t have more interaction in their lives.  I love thinking that just maybe, I made a difference in their day.  

[JoyFilled Warrior]

@Tinkrbl44 wrote:

I've had a few of those in my life at times, when they just will not be pleased, they think they have some sort of control by withholding approval. Crazy, but I think it's a power thing.

**

Either that, or what I call a lack of emotional generousity.

**

---

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*PERKS UP!!!*

*

@Tinkrbl44  !!      YOU'RE BRILLIANT!!!

*

This never occurred to me..

     you said -->  "some sort of control by withholding approval!" 

        But makes sooo much sense! 

  .

*LIGHT BULB GOES OFF!

*

.  This fills in a HUGE, HUGE *missing piece for me*     as I've struggled, trying to figure out what she wld like, as a gift, yet, who complains, & finds fault with EACH ITEM, incl with each item that was cleared specifically with her ahead of time!

*

And she's given me "Rules" of contact with her:

* NO Politics,    * NO Bible,    * NO negative abt Mom,   * NO negative abt pets,     * NO Emails,   * NO call/text using her Cell Phone (use only her House Phone),    * NO calls after 4pm,    * NO Calls on Days her husband is off of work,    * NO Recipes,   and     * Phone Calls are limited to 10min, max 15 min MAX 

    (And *ALL*  these rules stand, (unless *she* decides to break them with somethin she wants to say, and in THAT Case, that she breaks her OWN RULES, well I   "just misunderstood her above rules!".

*

DUH!!  I KNEW the above "phone rules" were excessively controlling," but finding specific faults in EACH GIFT ITEM sent, ** that was specifically described to her ahead of time,** 

*

IT'S definitely,    A *CONTROL ISSUE!!*

*

[JoyFilled Warrior]

@lynnie61 

*

AMEN!!  That is soooo kind, & caring .. & sweet.

* 

Yeah, no telling what is going on in a loved one's life, & a card can certainly perk up someone!     without even knowing they need it!  

  Incl Thank You, cards  Or "Occasion" cards.. 

Heck, in many Dollar Trees, cards are 2 for $1.29?  or 3 for $1.29  and a pack of 5-10 cards (Blank, or TY cards)  are $1.29 total a pack 

[ROMARY]

First of all, your BIL should have kept his thoughts to himself.

I like the idea of, next year, donating to your favorite charity instead of sending your MIL frozen food or other gift.

It would be a 'win-win' situation. On many levels.

Happy, healthy Holidays, and a good, peaceful New Year.

[Tinkrbl44]

@JoyFilled Warrior 

I'm SO glad that registers for you.  I've always believed that "withholding approval" is a passive-aggressive method of control.  Crazy, huh?

**

Years ago I had a terse conversation with a sales person in a fitting room at Nordstroms and we were discussing what was wrong with the bra I was trying on.  It was about 2 sizes too small and she insisted .. repeatedly .. that it was the correct size for me.  I couldn't take a full deep breath!  Her parting line to me was "Well, you're one of those people that just will not be pleased!"  Whoa! 

**

Never heard that description before, but I knew people like that. To this day, I regret not reporting her to management.

**