Community Chat

[Shanus]

@NAES1. What a sweet and loving post! I guess we're similar in "mothering" and have been rewarded by a child feeling comfortable to be (& ask to be) at home as an adult.  

Thank you for taking the time to let me know I do not stand alone on this decision. 🌷

[Shanus]

You're so right @Plaid Pants2. I remember saying when I replied to her, that my first instinct was to just to let it go. Not in my nature to respond to that kind of post, but it ate at me & I did reply. 

What goes around comes around. That will hurt her more than any words I could have written. 💐

[Shanus]

@happycat  My 88 yr. old Mom lives in her own apartment in a gated retirement community w/ medical facilities available & assisted living on "campus". The only reason she doesn't live with me is that the only bedroom on the 1st floor is the master. The other 4 & full baths are upstairs.

When we built this house, my parents were living in FL and said they were permanent there. When they moved back to NC 10-15 yrs. ago, they refused to put us out of our room.

I spend a lot of time traveling back and forth to visit each month, but she's the type of mom who would have moved the earth for me. She gets back the love she love she gave me. 

[colliegirls]

I cannot imagine a 45 year old son wanting to move back with his parents.  Why does he not get an apartment???

[Trinity11]

I think your title about a grown kid coming home to roost may have thrown a few participants here because your opening post is asking for "rules" you should set down. It originally sounded like you were uncertain about how it all would turn out. The entire tone of the thread changed as it became longer.

I wish your entire family well but quite frankly, I highly doubt a stranger can really give advice about such a personal matter.

[LonestarBabs]

@happycat  How about an adult child moving back into the family home to take care of an aging parent? I sold my house, quit my job, and moved in with Mom to help her. Thank you for mentioning the aspect of caring for aging parents that can be the reason for "coming home to roost."  Although, when Mom gets mad or frustrated about something she tells me that "this is MY home and you're just living here" -- thus, not feeling really secure even now! I was always told growing up that the house was HERS -- it was never a welcoming place of security. My Dad, on the other hand, always told me to come home whenever I needed to.

[happycat]

@LonestarBabs, your mom is very lucky to have you. I haven't ever known anyone who has done something like that. I hope she realizes how much you have truly sacrificed. I honestly don't know if I could do that or not.

[jubilant]

I think a lot of families have at least one person they couldn't live with....whether it's mom or dad, aunt or uncle, grandparent, siblings, adult children, or whatever. No family is perfect. I have never seen one that is.  I realize that some have a lot more dysfunction than others but you can't tell me most of us don't have at least one!!!

 Even those that did a good job raising their kids can have one that is difficult. I know of many like that. We can't really judge what another person chooses to do in a situation like this when we haven't walked a mile in their shoes.  What works for some would not work for others. I can think of a couple of relatives I couldn't take for months!  There are some I would welcome with open arms and others that I just know would spell.........................TROUBLE.  

To them I would politely decline.

[LonestarBabs]

@happycat  Thanks for the kind words. It hasn't been easy. I wanted to finish my PhD and selling my house, quitting my job, and moving back into the family home to help Mom seemed like a good idea for both of us. I could help Mom, focus on my dissertation, and just "pause" for the next step in my life. But, one month after I moved in Mom had a bad fall and the rules of the game changed. So, I've had to do far more caregiving than anticipated and I'll be finished with my PhD this year.  I'll have to explore other care options for Mom -- some in-home helpers to come in and give me relief -- and eventually I'll have to move on. My sister is NO help. Mom can't stay in the house forever and I can't do this long term. But for a period of time it's do-able. But for my own health and sanity it's got to change at some point.

[happycat]

@LonestarBabs, congratulations on getting your PhD. That is so awesome!!!

I'm glad you kept part of your own life, while caring for your mom.  And I wish you all the best in the future. I hope she will do well with whatever you decide to do when it comes to her care when you do need to move on.

It does seem like a lot of the caregiving will fall on one person so many times. It isn't fair at all, but it's reality in so many families.