Family Issue/Concern - Page 4

SaRina · ‎04-17-2015

I think it is critically important for him to know if he is the biological father for legal responsibility and the future.

AliJoi5 · ‎03-10-2010

I know that others may not agree, and I respect that, but in my family, staying mum with something of this importance would never fly with any of us. (We're 100% Italian... can you imagine us biting our tongues? Exactly.)

I do not have any children, but I'm thinking of this scenario in terms of my brother. We are a very, very close-knit family, so that plays a part. I'm not sure how close you are with your stepson and what your feelings are towards him. But if I were ever witnessing this course of events unfold, you bet I would sit down with my brother and have a judgment-free, reality-based, supportive and loving conversation about it. If done for the right reasons and in the right spirit, whatever the outcome, I believe approaching someone you love about a situation like this can be a wonderful opportunity for growth and the fostering of respect (for everyone involved). If I were in a sticky situation, I would be disappointed and deeply hurt if the people closest to me who I loved and trusted did NOT approach me to discuss what was going on... maybe not right in that moment, but certainly somewhere down the line, especially if it blew up in my face. And I also agree with a previous poster who mentioned future legal obligations to the child, should your stepson ever change his mind about supporting this child if it is not biologically his.

I'm a big believer in keeping it real... you just have to remember to keep it based in love as well. You can't lose that way! Open and honest communication in any relationship is key. Now is not the time to stand mute. If he's wearing an ugly Christmas sweater on the 25th, by all means, keep it to yourself. But the decisions he's making now may be the most important he's ever made in his life. Clearly, he could use some support and (much needed) guidance right now from someone he loves and who loves him. Whether he accepts it or not is another matter, but you (or his brother) will have at least opened up the floor for some dialogue.

Good luck!! Super tough situation!

#birthcontrolanyone

occasionalrain · ‎03-10-2010

To know and say nothing makes one a party to the cover up. The brother should tell him what's on FB. If, when he finds out everyone knew he was being played and allowed him to be made a fool, saying nothing, how can he ever forgive them?

chickenbutt · ‎03-09-2010

occasionalrain wrote:
To know and say nothing makes one a party to the cover up. The brother should tell him what's on FB. If, when he finds out everyone knew he was being played and allowed him to be made a fool, saying nothing, how can he ever forgive them?

That's really a good point! I was on the fence about, somehow or other, letting him know what's being said on FB but that makes it seem like somebody really does need to at least let him know that - and he can take it from there.

Even though it would be none of my business, if I were the other person, I would want to know what's going on outside my circle that has to do with me. If everybody but me knew, that would be pretty messed up.

missy1 · ‎03-10-2010

If they break up she will come after "J" for child support. I bet then he will talk about it.

Noel7 · ‎03-09-2010

@blahblahvampemerblah wrote:
@Noel7 wrote:
@blahblahvampemerblah wrote:
@Noel7 wrote:
Stay out of it, do not interfere because you can't win. You don't really know the truth of it all so it will be seen as making trouble for the young family. Assume J is not an idiot and has considered the probabilities himself.

You don't want to make J your enemy or cause trouble where there may not be any trouble. He's a grown man, let him have the privilege of handling his own life.

She may not win, but the baby's paternity needs to be determined because there are a slew of legal issues that MUST be addressed. The longer it's ignored, the worse the situation can get. I know this by watching s similar scenario with a friend.
*****************************

Paternity tests can be taken at any time, the DNA is not going to change or age out.

That, and it's J's business, not his family's.

You missed the point. The longer it drags out, the more likely it is that the courts could still see him as the father even if he isn't. In the interest of the child and all that. Plenty of men are paying child support for a kid that doesn't share their DNA. Also, does it help the baby to leave this unsettled? You seem to think that time passing doesn't matter.

Think of it another way. There's a difference between a couple living together and one that has a common-law marriage. They look similar, but the legal implications aren't remotely close.

*************************

I didn't miss your other points, I disagree with your implication the extended family has anything to say about it, in fact I said that to you already. If I disagree with your basic premise, there is no sense arguing about where you went from there.

Noel7 · ‎03-09-2010

@occasionalrain wrote:
To know and say nothing makes one a party to the cover up. The brother should tell him what's on FB. If, when he finds out everyone knew he was being played and allowed him to be made a fool, saying nothing, how can he ever forgive them?

************************

Aye, there's the rub. They know nothing, Just rumors, and the stepson is an adult, it's his business. I assume he's an adult, I believe it was mentioned he also has an 11 year old son. Add that to past puberty age and you get an adult.

ChynnaBlue · ‎05-22-2012

@Sunnyfield wrote:
Sort of a complicated issue but thought I would ask for your thoughts.

Have a stepson (J) who has been involved in a relationship for several years...the girlfriend was in prison for two and a half years (drugs) - got out about a year ago...shortly after she got out, she was seeing another man behind J's back - J found out - dumped her for about a month and then took her back....

J and the girlfriend announced she was pregnant and had the baby this summer - J is on the birth certificate as the father although his brothers and I suspected the baby is not biologically his....which is not really the issue, if he chooses to raise the child with her as his. That is of course his choice....

What we are concerned about is that there have been several Facebook postings on the other guy's FB page, indicating that the gf is still involved with the other guy and that the baby is definitely his, not J's...

We (the family) are kind of at a loss re: whether J knows all of this, and is just lying to the famiily when he says they are still together (out of embarrassment, anger, sadness????) ...or whether he is really in the dark about it...
no one has seen her or the baby since shortly after the birth.

My question is...should his brothers confront J? Should we leave it alone and pretend that all is AOK? I am just sending a "family" Christmas gift...(J has an 11 year old son)...

I suppose is it none of our business too...but I just hate having a lie perpetuated, if that is what is happening...

Opinions?

If J is in the dark, it's because he turned out the lights, threw alway all of the bulbs, and stopped paying the electric bill. J is in the dark because he wants to be. If you shine a light on anything for him, he's only going to get angry at the source of the light.

J is like an addict and if he is not ready or willing to make changes in his life and accept help, no one can make him. As @game-on said, just love him and hope for the best for him. Be there for him when and if he decides to deal with the situation.

Click here for Forum Tips

Himi lover · ‎03-10-2010

@ChynnaBlue wrote:
@Sunnyfield wrote:
Sort of a complicated issue but thought I would ask for your thoughts.

Have a stepson (J) who has been involved in a relationship for several years...the girlfriend was in prison for two and a half years (drugs) - got out about a year ago...shortly after she got out, she was seeing another man behind J's back - J found out - dumped her for about a month and then took her back....

J and the girlfriend announced she was pregnant and had the baby this summer - J is on the birth certificate as the father although his brothers and I suspected the baby is not biologically his....which is not really the issue, if he chooses to raise the child with her as his. That is of course his choice....

What we are concerned about is that there have been several Facebook postings on the other guy's FB page, indicating that the gf is still involved with the other guy and that the baby is definitely his, not J's...

We (the family) are kind of at a loss re: whether J knows all of this, and is just lying to the famiily when he says they are still together (out of embarrassment, anger, sadness????) ...or whether he is really in the dark about it...
no one has seen her or the baby since shortly after the birth.

My question is...should his brothers confront J? Should we leave it alone and pretend that all is AOK? I am just sending a "family" Christmas gift...(J has an 11 year old son)...

I suppose is it none of our business too...but I just hate having a lie perpetuated, if that is what is happening...

Opinions?

If J is in the dark, it's because he turned out the lights, threw alway all of the bulbs, and stopped paying the electric bill. J is in the dark because he wants to be. If you shine a light on anything for him, he's only going to get angry at the source of the light.

J is like an addict and if he is not ready or willing to make changes in his life and accept help, no one can make him. As @game-on said, just love him and hope for the best for him. Be there for him when and if he decides to deal with the situation.

@ChynnaBlue

ITA. Apparently he really doesn't want or care to know. I wonder why? If it were me, I'd want to know if it was my biological son. But that's me.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@RedConvertibleGirl wrote:
Whether it's the popular answer or not, I would have the brother ask him about the FB posts. If I was the one being cheated on my friends/family had better step up and let me know. Since when is it not OK for family and close friends to ask?

She could catch an STD. And I also think he should have a paternity test.

I just believe he has the right to know. So have the brother, or someone that is close, ask. If he doesn't get an answer from J then you drop it, but at least it's brought to his attention if he doesn't already know.

I was just about to post something similar. I think the OP shouldn't say anything to him, but someone close to him should say something. It sounds as though the brother who wants to speak to him might be the right person. Nothing confrontational, of course. Just to be sure that he's aware. Gentle, not prolonged, not judgmental. Something like, "I'm not sure if you know, but if I was in this situation, I would like to know. So I'm just giving you a heads-up".

And then the subject should be dropped unless of course J wants to discuss it further or vent or whatever. Once he has the information, it's no one's business what he decides to do with it.

It has to be handled very delicately, and J shouldn't be made to feel that the family has been gossiping about it. It's a very sensitive situation, and it seems there's no way to know what he's aware of at this point and what he's not. So I would tread carefully, but I would want him to know.