Community Chat

[Puppy Lips]

I think if my son were in this situation I would be tempted to talk to him.  As lovingly as I could, I would tell him my concerns and see how he reacts.  I would tell him that I would love and support him no matter what he does, and that I was always there for him.  I would be sure he knew I was proud of him for providing a home for the baby.

However, I would hate the thought that my son could think a baby was his, love it, pay for the raising of it, only to find out that it was not his biological son.  He could be building his life around a lie. And the real biological father would get off scott free.

I know my thoughts may be unpopular, but that is what I would do.  Then whatever he decided, I would know that I spoke my peace and would move on from there.

[KYToby]

I suggest leaving the issue alone because it is a no-win situation.

If someone confronts him and they break up, the one who brings it up will be blamed.  If they stay together, the one bringing it up will forever be seen as a troublemaker.

I assume your stepson is an adult.  If he suspects the child is not his, he can take the appropriate steps of getting a DNA test and contestesting paternity.  Unless he decides to do something on his own, the rest of the family should remain quiet and stay out of it.

[game-on]

sunnyfield.... it is so obvious you care a lot about this young man.... it is also obvious that you havent talked to him about the paternity and circumstances of this.... so you havent exchanged thoughts and concerns with him....

I know that we will be lied to many times in our lives and it isnt a good feeling.... we often dont know why someone chooses to do so....

I know that we all get manipulated in our lives.... and it is difficult to watch people we care about get manipulated, if that is the case....

I have watched this with my own stepson.... and it was about a child, also.... the young man is 50 now and the child is 28.... my stepson who is also a J... and i have talked about it .. but it took us a few years before he took some walls down and was able to open up...

The truth is that our conversation didnt change anything.... except he knew i cared and he could talk to me....

I hope you can talk to this young man.... but the time is not right until you both are ready.....

Again... i wish you the best....

[Sunnyfield]

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@fortune wrote:

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@Sunnyfield wrote:

Sort of a complicated issue but thought I would ask for your thoughts.

Have a stepson (J) who has been involved in a relationship for several years...the girlfriend was in prison for two and a half years (drugs) - got out about a year ago...shortly after she got out, she was seeing another man behind J's back - J found out - dumped her for about a month and then took her back....

J and the girlfriend announced she was pregnant and had the baby this summer - J is on the birth certificate as the father although his brothers and I suspected the baby is not biologically his....which is not really the issue, if he chooses to raise the child with her as his.  That is of course his choice....

What we are concerned about is that there have been several Facebook postings on the other guy's FB page, indicating that the gf is still involved with the other guy and that the baby is definitely his, not J's...

We (the family) are kind of at a loss re: whether J knows all of this, and is just lying to the famiily when he says they are still together (out of embarrassment, anger, sadness????) ...or whether he is really in the dark about it...

no one has seen her or the baby since shortly after the birth.

My question is...should his brothers confront J?  Should we leave it alone and pretend that all is AOK?  I am just sending a "family" Christmas gift...(J has an 11 year old son)...

I suppose is it none of our business too...but I just hate having a lie perpetuated, if that is what is happening...

Opinions?

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Is his dad in the picture?  Is he especially close to any of his brothers?  He really needs a family member to talk to to help him consider his options.  If the baby is not biologically his, then there could be future problems with custody and financial support.  Or if the baby is his, these same problems could arise.  I wonder if he could get a paternity test on the baby.  Maybe after talking it over, he may just want to leave things as they are.  But, he should discuss his options with someone who cares about him.

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@fortune

Sadly, his dad passed way this summer just before the new baby was born...he is not exceptionally close to either of his brothers any more - but his oldest brother wants to talk with him about it...it is a good point about considerig options....he is very difficult to talk to and tends to get angry rather than having a rational conversation....

[ROMARY]

I'm not suggesting this in this case, but I believe I ran across a TV commercial re: DNA testing (by mail).  Something to think about in the future, if and when J decides.  I probably wouldn't become involved at this time. However, as someone mentioned here, finances could possibly become a definite consideration later on.  Wishing everyone concerned well.

[Sunnyfield]

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@deepwaterdotter wrote:

I would hate to be a family member charged with having spread rumors.

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As would I dwd

[Suziepeach]

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@KYToby wrote:

I suggest leaving the issue alone because it is a no-win situation.

If someone confronts him and they break up, the one who brings it up will be blamed.  If they stay together, the one bringing it up will forever be seen as a troublemaker.

I assume your stepson is an adult.  If he suspects the child is not his, he can take the appropriate steps of getting a DNA test and contestesting paternity.  Unless he decides to do something on his own, the rest of the family should remain quiet and stay out of it.*

*****

I agree 100% with this.  We've had family situations of which we stepped back and kept our feelings/opinions to ourselves.  We didn't want to get involved with any of it and had we done so, then what we'd of said would come back to haunt us.  I hope all of this pans out for everyone. 

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[Laura14]

Such a tough issue.  I am not a lawyer but I thought in some states, if you sign the birth certificate, legally you're the presumed father and can be taken to court for support.  Sounds like she is not going there and, if he has a relationship with the child, the problem is solved and it doesn't matter.  

If you do think there could be a potential motion to garnish his wages for support, I'm behind the times on this since the advent of DNA, but he may have a mess on his hands if a court orders support and he has to unravel it with a test and lawyer fees.  Someone close to him may want to broach the subject if you think he may be receptive and in danger of being sued.  

[chickenbutt]

I have to agree that one pretty much has to stay out of it.   I cannot help wondering, however, if he has availed himself of the information that the other guy is posting on his Facebook account.   Is he totally in the dark about the other guy, or not knowing that maybe the girl is still having a relationship with him, or (?).

That is the only area where I might feel tempted but, in the end, I know that I'd have to just stay out of it.

I had a family member who once married THE most horrid woman.  Everybody in the family, except for him, had full realization of it and how he was getting skrewed (and not in any good way).  

But, we knew that we had to just shut it.  We all attended the wedding, for his sake, and hoped for the best.  Unfortunately, it WAS as we all knew and ended very badly.  We were there for him then, also.

The light at the end of the tunnel was that he ended up finding love with a lovely young lady who had loved him since they were kids and, last I knew, they were very happy.

[Preds]

I have a family situation that is a lot like this.  I have addressed it many times with the man involved.  He has accepted what is going on and told me to accept it and not stir up trouble for the families sake.  I have done this for him out of love.  Is it hard?  Yes.  Do I love the kids? Yes.  Does he love the kids?  Yes!  For us, it's hard to understand but all we can do is support them in the choices they make.  If you need to talk to him ... do it privately and know everything you suspect.  Then work with him on his feelings.  That is what is really important in cases like this.  I wish you luck if you address this because it's a personal thing and no one likes their personal problems to be out there for others to see.