Community Chat

[tedEbear]

@Sunnyfield-------You dont say how long you and Beloved Dh were married and whether you have been a Stepmom a few years or like 20 yrs. Also is their Mother still alive? In the picture?  There are so many LITTLE questions that should be taken into consideration before you or anyone should try to talk to him.  Where is his 11yr old?  I am not asking these for you to answer, but they were my thoughts as I was reading your thread and no one asked.   Hoping for a peaceful and happy conclusion for everyone involved---------tedEbear

[Shorty2U]

Well I am different here I guess with my opinion.

I would say something to J about the girl possibly still being involved with the other guy.

As far as the child, it is your sons choice to raise the baby as his own or not (although if it would bother him I would get a DNA test)

But that doesn't bother me as much as the possibility that he is "with" a cheating girlfriend.

I don't like cheaters and so I would tell him so he can find out if it is true or not (providing he doesn't already know).

Good luck whatever you do.

[Sunnyfield]

Thank you all for your opinions and suggestions - alot to think about.

My gut tells me that he may well know the truth (the truth being the baby is not his biological child) and is purposely "putting his head in the sand" in order to try to hold on to the girlfriend, whom he seems to have a desperate love for.  If she is even still living with him, which is questionable...

There is much "water under the bridge" and he is aware that the family was not thrilled with their relationship (druggie, in prison, cheated on him, etc. etc.)...

He has not been attending famiy get togethers or, if he does, it is just him and his 11 year old son - not gf or baby. Always has an excuse....

I think he may be trying to "save face" by lying to the family or at least hiding the reality of the situation....maybe out of embarassment or thinking we would say "told you so"...

I have been his step mom for almost thirty years.  His mom is very much alive and well, but she is the most non-confrontational person you can imagine, and lives under the assuption that if you ignore problems they will go away ...  never rock the boat...

Anyway,  I will let his big brother, whom i talk to every week or so,  handle it - I live many miles away and this is not something I would want to do with a phone call...

I really appreciate all of your thoughts and input...it is interesting to me to read the varying ways people would handle a similar situation.

sunny

[Anniecamp]

I find the casual attitude of many here regarding the baby not knowing his true parentage to be very upsetting!  No one seems to be thinking about the child!  That child has the right to know who he really is!  I am close to a couple of situations where people were lied to all of their lives about who their parent is, and it's just plain wrong!  It really messes up the child, whether they find out while they're still young, or well into adulthood. 

[qualitygal]

Things happen in families. Family if you love J, accept what he does and just go on.

[cotton4me]

You’ve had some great responses here. Having dealt with crazy family situations I know that people can live in a state of denial, wanting to see what they want to see. I think he probably already knows everything you mentioned but he doesn’t want to face it. I think you summed it up well. It’s difficult to watch loved ones make bad choices; unfortunately, as frustrating as it is we can’t always save people from themselves.

If someone talks to him perhaps the focus should be on the baby, stressing the importance of the baby’s right to know the truth. By keeping the topic off the mother (how bad she is, etc) it may make him less angry/defensive. Also, by shifting focus to the baby perhaps he can step out of his own pain/neediness and begin to see things in a new light.

[KathyPet]

First since you are the stepmom it is not your place to bring up this subject.  If his father is deceased then his older brother should be the family member to raise the subject if the brother thinks it should be brought up at all.  It sounds as if your stepson and the child's mother do not have a very stable relationship which may not last long term. By putting his name as the baby's father on the birth certificate she is setting him up for years of child support payments for a child that may not be his.  If his older brother raises the subject and your stepson brushes him off and understands that he could be paying child support for a child that is not his biological child then there is nothing more to be done about it.

[Deb1010again]

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@cotton4me wrote:

You’ve had some great responses here. Having dealt with crazy family situations I know that people can live in a state of denial, wanting to see what they want to see. I think he probably already knows everything you mentioned but he doesn’t want to face it. I think you summed it up well. It’s difficult to watch loved ones make bad choices; unfortunately, as frustrating as it is we can’t always save people from themselves.

If someone talks to him perhaps the focus should be on the baby, stressing the importance of the baby’s right to know the truth. By keeping the topic off the mother (how bad she is, etc) it may make him less angry/defensive. Also, by shifting focus to the baby perhaps he can step out of his own pain/neediness and begin to see things in a new light.

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I so agree with you.  Someone has to look out for the baby who will grow into a mature human being who stands to be very hurt when he/she finds out about all this.

[gmkb]

Please stay out of it.  One reason is, he is a stepson; better his father be the one to deal with him.

And reason two not to get involved is that when men are consumed with this type of woman, there is absolutely nothing that anyone can say that will change his mind.  

The only thing you can do is pray good sense will prevail eventually.

You don't want to risk a strained relationship between you and you husband over an adult stepson.

[LilacTree]

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@Puppy Lips wrote:

I think if my son were in this situation I would be tempted to talk to him.  As lovingly as I could, I would tell him my concerns and see how he reacts.  I would tell him that I would love and support him no matter what he does, and that I was always there for him.  I would be sure he knew I was proud of him for providing a home for the baby.

However, I would hate the thought that my son could think a baby was his, love it, pay for the raising of it, only to find out that it was not his biological son.  He could be building his life around a lie. And the real biological father would get off scott free.

I know my thoughts may be unpopular, but that is what I would do.  Then whatever he decided, I would know that I spoke my peace and would move on from there.

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[I read it wrong and so my response was wrong.  It won't let me delete, therefore, please ignore.  Sorry.]