Re: Dutch Treat Reception ???

Mrsq2022 · ‎03-10-2010

@151949 wrote:
@VanSleepy wrote:
@151949 wrote:
@NYC Susan
I said earlier that I felt the OP's invitation wa a gift grab and should be treated as such. Then the nasty remarks like Sunshine 45's started from there. Apparently you missed some posts. Some one can't miss an opportunity for a mean personal, as hurtful as possible attack to go by. You know how it is here.

I don't think Sunshine meant it in a nasty way. I almost posted the same thing and didn't mean it in a nasty way. It's just that with all the talk of "gift grabs", some may have perceived your announcement as such even though it was not your intention.
How could it possibly NOT be nasty to tell someone that when she sent out her wedding announcements it was a gift grab? Is that something YOU would normally say to a person?

@151949I see absolutely nothing tacky or "gift grabby" about wedding announcements. Period. We send out birth announcements, we send out graduation announcements, and we send wedding announcements. Is it less tacky to just post your wedding announcement 5to the world on Facebook or Instagram? Send everyone in your contacts folder an email? I think formal, mailed wedding announcements are the proper way to tell distant relatives and family friends that you were married. How else are they supposed to know???

sissel · ‎08-13-2010

Good news is you know ahead of time what to expect. I went to two weddings, invitations but they never said it was cake & punch only. I starved myself also DH too thinking food. Wow, imagine after the wedding trying to find a close resturant to find something to eat. Wish they just told us in advance. Also thank yous were a rolled up paper with a ribbon tied around it so they didn't have to send out the thank yous. Just something as thanking us printed out on paper.

Irshgrl31201 · ‎03-18-2010

@Lucky Charm wrote:
@Carmie wrote:
@missy1 wrote:
@Carmie wrote:
@Beachy1 wrote:
@Carmie, are you going to go?
I don't know. I just opened the invite about an hour ago and was shocked. I already attended the first marriage of this young man about three years ago. The marriage didn't even last a year.

I have to think about this.... I may just go to the church.

How was his first wedding?
The first wedding was very nice with all of the trimmings. I was invited to the shower too. The bride's family went all out. My friend told me that she only had to pay for the reherarsel dinner and a few other things for her son.

This is man is probably 36 to 38 years old. He is gainfully employed. I am going to call my friend tomorrow. I can't imagine that she approves of this.
I don't think I'd say anything to the friend. I understand she's your friend, but he's her son. Maybe she'll vent first about the situation. I'm sure she's well aware of it. I would just listen to what she has to say, but would never say anything negative. Who knows, maybe this will be the new norm. oy.

I am sorry but I do think this is tacky. I am totally not against small weddings and receptions at all for those tight on money, maybe having something small at their home or hall with simple homemade foods or even cake, punch or appetizers. I think what makes it tacky is not being able to afford a wedding (a second one no less that some were probably invited to the first time) and instead of cutting back and/or having what you can afford, you still march on and ask your guests to pay for their dinner and come with a gift. If you do not indicate no gifts, you are essentially asking for them, IMO. Secondly I think it is very tacky for a man in his mid to late 30s who should have some sort of finacial stability, asking people to not only come to a second wedding of his, but also pay for it. I certainly know that many people in their mid 30s are not always financially stable for a myriad of reasons, that isn't my problem with this. It is asking others to pay for a SECOND wedding when they cannot afford it. To me and anyone with manners, that is beyond crude.

You do NOT need a lot of money to have an elegant and refined wedding. That can be done on any budget, it really can, I have seen it. I think a man who is getting married a second time who is of an age where he should at least be able to pay for cake and punch for people he is asking to help him celebrate his SECOND wedding is the definition of crass and unrefined for asking people not only to pay for their own meal, but to bring a gift for his second marriage. If a man his age can't come up with cake, punch, or even appetizers or even skip that going to the JOP, realizing he doesn't want his guest to have to pay for HIS wedding he has no business getting married because he isn't financially responsible or mature enough.

I am sorry, but this is one of the crudest and most unrefined thing I have read regarding a wedding I personally think accepting gifts for a second wedding is kind of pushing it even if you do pay for their meal. No, you have what you can afford for your guests or you don't have anything, just a justice of he peace and dinner with family.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
JFK

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@missy1 wrote:
@sunshine45 wrote:
@RazorSharp wrote:
@NativeJax wrote:
Gosh, my brain is on fire...maybe a different thread should be started...I just remembered that last year my very younger cousin had an extremely lavish, expensive wedding in New Orleans. I felt it was tacky that they included a website to purchase things they wanted for their honeymoon. They went to Europe and the website had gifts listed in a variety of spending ranges but they actually had the hotel rooms listed for purchase, airline tickets, dinner reservations, and for her wedding shower they had very expensive items listed....knives for $3k, it was so over the top and oh yeah, they had bonus points added in their name if you ordered thru Macy's so they could get more gifts. I was mortified that not only was I spending money for travel, hotel and food that they asked for such over the top gifts. Anyways, apparently this is the new thing but I was in shock people putting things like that on a registry.
Two of my coworkers were married last year, and they used this type of website as well. I actually thought it was a fantastic idea, and much better than a standard gift registry. Instead of going to a website and buying them a popcorn maker, you could buy them breakfast, lunch, or dinner at various restaurants of their choice during their honeymoon in New Orleans, or pay for one of their hotel nights. I just find this much more personal and festive than buying a couple of champagne flutes or a clothes hamper.

@RazorSharp
i have some family and friends who did this also and i appreciated it! it made it easy to choose something that i know they could use. one couple went on a cruise.....you could buy them drinks, give them a tour in a city they were stopping in, a night at a club in town, taxi cab rides, a meal at a restaurant wherever they stopped, a night at the hotel before they departed......lots of choices. they both had so many things already for their home and really didnt "need" anything. i know some are put off by this, but i like it and have used the honeymoon registries.

I think it's tacky. I never did registries etc. Requesting gifts and making guests pay for things is not cool.

I think those are two very different things.

I don't view registries as requests for gifts. Couples who are getting married know that many people would like to give them a gift, and a registry is a way of letting them know what they like, what their tastes are, the color of their kitchen, etc. No one is obligated to bring a gift and no one is obligated to choose something from the registry. Items listed on a registry are suggestions, not anything more. People are certainly free to do whatever they would like. Sometimes I buy something from the registry, and sometimes I don't. I didn't do a registry for my own wedding, but I have no problem with people who do. It can make gift-giving very easy!

Having a wedding reception and requiring guests to pay for that IS tacky, though, IMO. So I do agree with you about that. People should have the kind of wedding that they can afford.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@NativeJax wrote:
I like a registry just suppose I don't like over the top expensive items listed....I don't know why it bothers me it just does. I just remembered when I registered I tried to think of things I did need but I also tried to think about my guests as well. I did like the website link that provided tourist information for the wedding guest and being able to pick music, look at their photos and such. It still gets to me, those $3ooo knives lol

A good registry should have items with a price range from low to high, and all of the ones I've seen do. Big ticket items can be appropriate for close friends or family members. And sometimes a group of people (the groom's co-workers, the bride's book club, all of the cousins, whatever) chip in and buy a big gift together.

So I have no problem with expensive things being on a registry as long as the whole registry isn't that way. And, as I've said, I've never seen a registry that didn't have inexpensive items too.

nunya · ‎03-09-2010

@Lipstickdiva wrote:
@sunshine45 wrote:
@151949 wrote:
There are many ways to have a wedding that is still classy and refined without having to go to the extreme of it being dutch. The obvious one is get married in the morning, have it at your home and have a tea,coffee, punch and just some assorted baked goods and cake. Essentially a tea party. I went to a very nice wedding once at a county park picnic grove, they had a keg of beer and assorted cold foods like sandwiches and potato salad etc. The invitation said - this is a picnic, dress appropriately. One of the best weddings I ever attended. Cake with coffee , tea and punch in the church hall after the ceremony is always nice. I know someone who had this type of wedding because the groom's family were a hoard of drunks so they did not want to have something where alcohol would be available.
My second wedding we had family only, very small affair at a restaurant then sent out announcements to about 150 people. Probably half of those who we sent announcements sent us a gift - not $$$ gifts - but momentos like crystal candy dishes and silver teapots. We got several beautiful picture frames which are still in use. We were surprized and thrilled by them all. On the announcement we put our new address and phone number and we received many congratulatory phone calls and visits as well.

my guess around here on these forums is is that some people would consider sending out 150 wedding announcements (and not being invited to the wedding) to be a "gift grab."......a term i have never used before.
Exactly. I have a relative who lives out of state and one of her sons is graduating. There is no way in heck any of us from here are going to drive 12 hours and I'm sure she knows that but yet we received an invitation to the graduation party.

Some in my family are grumbling that she did it for the gifts and she should have just sent out a graduation announcement. I don't see the big deal. To me, whether she just sent an announcement out or the invitation, I think a gift is in order and I'm happy to send it.

I am the same. For a grad, I send money and a card.

A wedding that I wasn't invited to, not so much.

151949 · ‎03-09-2010

@Mrsq2022 wrote:
@151949 wrote:
@VanSleepy wrote:
@151949 wrote:
@NYC Susan
I said earlier that I felt the OP's invitation wa a gift grab and should be treated as such. Then the nasty remarks like Sunshine 45's started from there. Apparently you missed some posts. Some one can't miss an opportunity for a mean personal, as hurtful as possible attack to go by. You know how it is here.

I don't think Sunshine meant it in a nasty way. I almost posted the same thing and didn't mean it in a nasty way. It's just that with all the talk of "gift grabs", some may have perceived your announcement as such even though it was not your intention.
How could it possibly NOT be nasty to tell someone that when she sent out her wedding announcements it was a gift grab? Is that something YOU would normally say to a person?
@151949I see absolutely nothing tacky or "gift grabby" about wedding announcements. Period. We send out birth announcements, we send out graduation announcements, and we send wedding announcements. Is it less tacky to just post your wedding announcement 5to the world on Facebook or Instagram? Send everyone in your contacts folder an email? I think formal, mailed wedding announcements are the proper way to tell distant relatives and family friends that you were married. How else are they supposed to know???

Thanks for the support. It was the typical QVC board mean girls pile on and I should know better than to argue with them - they will fight just for the sake of fighting! Since I was married 33 years ago it was way before computers and social media and such so I guess they think I should have hired a town crier or maybe an airplane to pull around one of those signs behind it.

nunya · ‎03-09-2010

@Lila Belle wrote:
@151949 wrote:
@stevieb wrote:
See, this is what has happened... Weddings have become so over the top dog and pony shows because almost every little girl now thinks she' entitled to a 'Hollywood' wedding... And, almost every family who can, humors their little girl and over-spends on an 'event' that is much more than just a 'nice' wedding and reception. They've become big business, which has driven up prices for even those seeking a simple wedding and reception.

In the day, even a middle class family could usually afford a nice dress, flowers and a reasonable sit-down dinner or at least drinks and appetizers at a nice venue and still not break the bank. Unfortunately, the ante keeps getting upped... and now, weddings costing thousands and thousands of dollars have increasingly become the 'norm'...

Given that reality, I get the 'why bother' mentality and the choice not to 'compete'. But then unfortunately, added to all that... as what are considered to be acceptable standards of decorum and behavior continue to erode, you end up with 'dutch treat' wedding reception invitations... Whatever happened to the middle ground... or does a middle ground even still exist...?

Whatever...
I asked recently on another thread what ever happened to the nice reception at a fire hall with a catered buffet and a local band? Well, they laughed me out of town - apparently that is just not even to be considered anymore. Your just not properly married unless you have the whole horse and pony show.
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What is a fire hall reception? A fire department ?

here in Pa. Most all of the fire depts have a large adjacent hall that you can rent for parties, weddings etc. It is very very common here. Our fire dept is volunteer, renting the hall keep money coming in.

RazorSharp · ‎02-20-2016

@nunya wrote:
@Lila Belle wrote:
@151949 wrote:
@stevieb wrote:
See, this is what has happened... Weddings have become so over the top dog and pony shows because almost every little girl now thinks she' entitled to a 'Hollywood' wedding... And, almost every family who can, humors their little girl and over-spends on an 'event' that is much more than just a 'nice' wedding and reception. They've become big business, which has driven up prices for even those seeking a simple wedding and reception.

In the day, even a middle class family could usually afford a nice dress, flowers and a reasonable sit-down dinner or at least drinks and appetizers at a nice venue and still not break the bank. Unfortunately, the ante keeps getting upped... and now, weddings costing thousands and thousands of dollars have increasingly become the 'norm'...

Given that reality, I get the 'why bother' mentality and the choice not to 'compete'. But then unfortunately, added to all that... as what are considered to be acceptable standards of decorum and behavior continue to erode, you end up with 'dutch treat' wedding reception invitations... Whatever happened to the middle ground... or does a middle ground even still exist...?

Whatever...
I asked recently on another thread what ever happened to the nice reception at a fire hall with a catered buffet and a local band? Well, they laughed me out of town - apparently that is just not even to be considered anymore. Your just not properly married unless you have the whole horse and pony show.
`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
What is a fire hall reception? A fire department ?

here in Pa. Most all of the fire depts have a large adjacent hall that you can rent for parties, weddings etc. It is very very common here. Our fire dept is volunteer, renting the hall keep money coming in.

Yep, I'm in PA, too, and they frequently host wedding receptions at the fire hall in my small town. There are plenty of nicer places to rent out, but those on tight budgets have their receptions at the hall. While they do charge to rent for certain events, others are held there free of charge. They host bazaars, blood drives, spaghetti dinners and various other fundraising events for different community organizations.

missy1 · ‎03-10-2010

@NYC Susan wrote:
@missy1 wrote:
@sunshine45 wrote:
@RazorSharp wrote:
@NativeJax wrote:
Gosh, my brain is on fire...maybe a different thread should be started...I just remembered that last year my very younger cousin had an extremely lavish, expensive wedding in New Orleans. I felt it was tacky that they included a website to purchase things they wanted for their honeymoon. They went to Europe and the website had gifts listed in a variety of spending ranges but they actually had the hotel rooms listed for purchase, airline tickets, dinner reservations, and for her wedding shower they had very expensive items listed....knives for $3k, it was so over the top and oh yeah, they had bonus points added in their name if you ordered thru Macy's so they could get more gifts. I was mortified that not only was I spending money for travel, hotel and food that they asked for such over the top gifts. Anyways, apparently this is the new thing but I was in shock people putting things like that on a registry.
Two of my coworkers were married last year, and they used this type of website as well. I actually thought it was a fantastic idea, and much better than a standard gift registry. Instead of going to a website and buying them a popcorn maker, you could buy them breakfast, lunch, or dinner at various restaurants of their choice during their honeymoon in New Orleans, or pay for one of their hotel nights. I just find this much more personal and festive than buying a couple of champagne flutes or a clothes hamper.

@RazorSharp
i have some family and friends who did this also and i appreciated it! it made it easy to choose something that i know they could use. one couple went on a cruise.....you could buy them drinks, give them a tour in a city they were stopping in, a night at a club in town, taxi cab rides, a meal at a restaurant wherever they stopped, a night at the hotel before they departed......lots of choices. they both had so many things already for their home and really didnt "need" anything. i know some are put off by this, but i like it and have used the honeymoon registries.

I think it's tacky. I never did registries etc. Requesting gifts and making guests pay for things is not cool.

I think those are two very different things.

I don't view registries as requests for gifts. Couples who are getting married know that many people would like to give them a gift, and a registry is a way of letting them know what they like, what their tastes are, the color of their kitchen, etc. No one is obligated to bring a gift and no one is obligated to choose something from the registry. Items listed on a registry are suggestions, not anything more. People are certainly free to do whatever they would like. Sometimes I buy something from the registry, and sometimes I don't. I didn't do a registry for my own wedding, but I have no problem with people who do. It can make gift-giving very easy!

Having a wedding reception and requiring guests to pay for that IS tacky, though, IMO. So I do agree with you about that. People should have the kind of wedding that they can afford.