Community Chat

[tedEbear]

How old is your Grandson?, the Girlfriend?  Have there been tendencies for the 2 to wrestle around, a little punch there?    If they are teens and 20s tell them knock it off, it does lead to physical violence.  If older then taking him aside and speaking to him about could help.  It could also be the GF doing the control bit.   I was very lucky as my Dh has never tried to be controling and only treats me as a precious person.  My 2 Sons only saw love from both sides.  However the DsIL have very pushy attitudes towards both sons.  Maybe seeing loving parents  wasn't the best thing for them. 1 of their told me my son  MsIL was a ******.  A gentle soul.

    So maybe watch closer and input some wise Grandma advice.-------tedEbear

[Moonchilde]

Both sexes attempt to control and manipulate in different ways - whatever works (or they hope will work) for them. I would assume the root causes are varied, but feelings of inferiority and/or insecurity have to be right up there, along with fear of being controlled themselves - a "strike first" mentality. One gets and keeps the upper hand. No challenges, no arguments (with a willing participant, of course), it's all things their way.

Two slightly different scenarios I have familiarity with - my stepfather, who had a family history of Alzheimers, was totally controlling. In retrospect, I feel it was because he had a fear of it happening to him (and it did, he died of Alzheimers), and it started in his 40s, so he kind of knew what was happening.

My mother was never, that I was aware of, controlling or manipulative - until she no longer lived with my father, but lived with others. At that point in her life she must have felt she had, or would, "lose control" of having it her way (which she'd never had in the first place) and became very manipulative. Dependent upon others, they should do things *her* way, cater to her wants. Didn't work. 

[mima]

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@tedEbear wrote:

How old is your Grandson?, the Girlfriend?  Have there been tendencies for the 2 to wrestle around, a little punch there?    If they are teens and 20s tell them knock it off, it does lead to physical violence.  If older then taking him aside and speaking to him about could help.  It could also be the GF doing the control bit.   I was very lucky as my Dh has never tried to be controling and only treats me as a precious person.  My 2 Sons only saw love from both sides.  However the DsIL have very pushy attitudes towards both sons.  Maybe seeing loving parents  wasn't the best thing for them. 1 of their told me my son  MsIL was a ******.  A gentle soul.

    So maybe watch closer and input some wise Grandma advice.-------tedEbear

She's 15 and he's 17.  I don't know about anything physical (abuse wise) going on, but she has to text him between every class (his rule).  She wanted to spend the weekend with a girlfriend and he told her she shouldn't want to spend one weekend with her girlfriend because they only have twenty some weekends left til school is out and they should be spent with him.  He stated exactly how many weekends they had left. She is complaining about him being controlling.

It doesn't sound like much (yet) but I'm sure it will get worse if she puts up with it.

I am concerned, but I doubt he'll listen to grandma.  You know, we don't know much (in their eyes) when it comes to relationships/romance.  LOL

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[Desertdi]

Ugh.    I was once involved with an incredibly good looking, rich, spoiled brat-mama's boy..................     Arrogant, egotistical, cheap and controlling.   What was I thinking???????

[MomCat]

If it were me I would speak up anyway.  That's my personality.  I don't want anyone thinking I am going along with something that I don't approve of.  His parents should be the ones getting involved, even to the point of talking to the girlfriend's parents.  They are too young for this nonsense.  They have no clue what is going on with those teenage mush brains.  Good luck! 

[hoosieroriginal]

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@RetRN wrote:

When a woman says she has to ignore him or push back she is also insecure. Strong, intelligent women don't put up with that type of behavior. It is so important for women to be able to take care of themselves

If only young women had enough experience behind them at that age.  Most young women don't even know it's happening at that age.  I married really young and when I look at my first marriage, I must say now he was controlling in a way.  I didn't see it back then. 

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[Puzzle Piece]

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@brii wrote:

People who are controlling think they're smarter than everybody else sometimes too.  They feel the need to feel superior. 

It's emotional abuse.

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I am currently dealing with someone where I put in my volunteer hours.  A controlling man.  His personal life is a disaster (due to his ways).  He wants me to think the way HE wants, do things the way HE wants, and only talk to other females he approves of.  Well, too bad.  I am not his child, nor his wife, nor his girlfriend, nor one of the others he has affairs with.  He's not the boss nor my boss, just a kook and a controlling man.

[nunya]

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@mima wrote:

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She's 15 and he's 17.  I don't know about anything physical (abuse wise) going on, but she has to text him between every class (his rule).  She wanted to spend the weekend with a girlfriend and he told her she shouldn't want to spend one weekend with her girlfriend because they only have twenty some weekends left til school is out and they should be spent with him.  He stated exactly how many weekends they had left. She is complaining about him being controlling.

It doesn't sound like much (yet) but I'm sure it will get worse if she puts up with it.

I am concerned, but I doubt he'll listen to grandma.  You know, we don't know much (in their eyes) when it comes to relationships/romance.  LOL

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Sounds like a bit of immaturity and insecurity. Seems like he may be afraid another boy will talk to her if he isn't around. He's acting like her parent. 

 IMO, That's the fastest way to push someone away.  

[dooBdoo]

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@mima wrote:

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She's 15 and he's 17.  I don't know about anything physical (abuse wise) going on, but she has to text him between every class (his rule).  She wanted to spend the weekend with a girlfriend and he told her she shouldn't want to spend one weekend with her girlfriend because they only have twenty some weekends left til school is out and they should be spent with him.  He stated exactly how many weekends they had left. She is complaining about him being controlling.

It doesn't sound like much (yet) but I'm sure it will get worse if she puts up with it.

I am concerned, but I doubt he'll listen to grandma.  You know, we don't know much (in their eyes) when it comes to relationships/romance.  LOL

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Hi, @mima.  I can feel the love and concern in your words.

People who constantly control, dominate a situation/person/conversation (it spills over into just about everything they do, overtly or subtly) exhibit their own deficits (feeling inadequate, insecure).

But they're usually totally unaware of this, and have little or no ability to look inward and actually see what they're doing. 

They're usually the "last word" people, and you'll find others learning they have to agree with them, praise them, and walk on eggshells to avoid problems.

Unfortunately, your grandson's actions sound like obsessive and narcissistic behavior and what you describe is excessive control.

I'm sorry to say this but these are characteristics seen in partners who become dangerously emotionally and physically abusive.

This sounds serious, in my opinion, and really needs to be addressed.

People who do this are responding to something missing in themselves and I agree with those who said it's a personality disorder -- a condition which can be cause by genetics or environment (learned behavior).  Or both.

If it's not addressed, it won't get better.  Perhaps you could talk with his parents, be clear about the activities and why they worry you, and they can try and get a counselor to help him?

I do wish you well.

[missy1]

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@mima wrote:

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@tedEbear wrote:

How old is your Grandson?, the Girlfriend?  Have there been tendencies for the 2 to wrestle around, a little punch there?    If they are teens and 20s tell them knock it off, it does lead to physical violence.  If older then taking him aside and speaking to him about could help.  It could also be the GF doing the control bit.   I was very lucky as my Dh has never tried to be controling and only treats me as a precious person.  My 2 Sons only saw love from both sides.  However the DsIL have very pushy attitudes towards both sons.  Maybe seeing loving parents  wasn't the best thing for them. 1 of their told me my son  MsIL was a ******.  A gentle soul.

    So maybe watch closer and input some wise Grandma advice.-------tedEbear

She's 15 and he's 17.  I don't know about anything physical (abuse wise) going on, but she has to text him between every class (his rule).  She wanted to spend the weekend with a girlfriend and he told her she shouldn't want to spend one weekend with her girlfriend because they only have twenty some weekends left til school is out and they should be spent with him.  He stated exactly how many weekends they had left. She is complaining about him being controlling.

It doesn't sound like much (yet) but I'm sure it will get worse if she puts up with it.

I am concerned, but I doubt he'll listen to grandma.  You know, we don't know much (in their eyes) when it comes to relationships/romance.  LOL

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IMO, (not a medical expert), I think this needs to stop now. This is frightening for him to act like this at such a young age. This girl needs to get out of this toxic relationship.