Community Chat

[Big Joanie]

I hate company and I hate being company .... Wait until you get older ..

at 74 its just too much work ....

[Roscoe the Rascal]

Sounds like this family member has some health issues and a bit much for you.  Hard to say no to someone in need as well.  

You may have to have a heart to heart.  You are  entitled to your privacy.  Shouldn't have so much to fix and do when they leave either.  I have a brother that lives in town but has lots of issues and have had him over before and never again if I can help it.  He will take advantage if you let him too.  

I am not much for guests and feel like I have to entertain and can't do my normal stuff.  Thankfully, I have not had too much of that.  Just not a fan.  My husband is different and company never bothers him.  His mom was the same way.

[Eileen in Virginia]

He's using you and taking advantage of your good nature. We prefer to stay in hotels when we visit family. Our days of sleeping on sofa beds are over and we wouldn't expect anyone to give us their bed. If we get together for a meal, we pick up the tab (or, at a minimum, split it), even if we're ordering in. We try to ensure we don't disrupt our family member's routine by coordinating with them well in advance. After all,we're there to visit with them.

Our house isn't big enough for overnight guests, but there are a number of reasonably priced hotels nearby and that's where we encourage visitors to stay. We can get together during their visit without infringing on each other's privacy or daily habits (I couldn't be very gracious to a guest who roamed around the house at 4am). The next time he calls to arrange a visit, tell him you have plans and won't be able to host him. If he hears this often enough, he might take the hint. If he doesn't, just tell him you're not up to entertaining him anymore. 

[BoopOMatic]

 If he's your brother, and you love him, and you're "of a certain age," I would let him stay and not worry about it. It's an imposition but maybe he's lonely? When he is gone from this earth you may wish he could come back and stay with you again.

[CrazyKittyLvr2]

@Big Joanie   I agree that age makes a difference.

I'm 70 and while I can't use the word hate I don't enjoy company, either having/being, like I did when I was younger.

My problem, and my 51 yr old DDs, is we live a very quiet life. The most noise we have is the cat doing zoomies around the house. lol

Visiting my sister and her family is a circus. 3 barking dogs, her kids and grandkids, 1 teenage girl, 2 teenage boys, 2 kids under 5. I'm good for 2 or 3 hours and I'm ready for peace and quiet.

[NicksmomESQ]

  The only overnight guest I loved having was my mom. She was great company & always insisted on pitching in around the house. It was a win win for both of us. We got to spend some wonderful times together & made some great memories that DH & son still speak about 20 years later.

 As far as other guests, we put an end to that . After mom passed we converted the guest room to a den & got rid of the bed.If anyone wants to visit they stay in a nereby hotel.
 I've had guests come for days. Never cleaned up after themselves, made demands on what they wanted for dinner & expected us to chauffeur them around.

  After 3 days of putting up with it DH asked his friend to leave. The last straw was when this person asked me to cook him dinner after DH brought home a pizza.He said he was more in the mood for a home cooked meal! DH said "you can make it yourself when you go home tomorrow. If you don't want pizza you have 2 choices. You can either skip dinner or have something delivered for yourself. My wife is not your slave. You owe her an apology". He never apologized.He did pack his bags & leave. He was gone in an hour.He tried to stay with another friend who turned him down.So he ended up driving home to Connecticut.

[cactusgal]

[JeanLouiseFinch]

Many years ago, we were trying to help someone who was in a bad home situation and we allowed her to come live with us.  Boy, I could write a novel.  BIG MISTAKE with that one but if one of our kids needed a placed to live, we'd never refuse.

I enjoy having my sister come and I'd welcome friends too, for a couple of days.  DH & I also go to my sister's a few times a year. We keep our visits super casual and just go with the flow.  A couple nights is enough though.  

I have an old friend who owns a mansion on Lake Geneva.  He and his wife have invited my husband and I, and some other friends, to visit and spend the night later this summer.  It sounds like it might be kinda fun to see how the other half lives. 🤷‍♀️

[caroln242]

This sounds horrible, but I really didn't like my daughter's family staying overnight..  My daughter and her husband took the spare bedroom and the 3 kids took the sectional couch in the family room.  They all stayed up really late, like 12 or 1 am and I usually go to bed about 10 or 11, so I was really tired by the time they decide to go to bed.  

As I have mentioned before, I'm a little OCD and waking up in the morning to people spread all over the couch, pillows and blankets all over the place, empty drink cans and potato chip bags on the table, etc. just makes me a little crazy.  And, of course, they sleep late so I get to view all this (trying to be quiet with no TV) while having my morning coffee.  Wish I didn't have an open floor plan...I miss my wall separating my kitchen.

Then when everyone wakes up and the noise from 5 other people trying to use the bathroom and get dressed dies down, they are hungry and it's time to cook a late breakfast at 10am for everyone.  After awhile it's time for them to leave and the chaos continues as they find everything they have left all over the house and get packed up.  I generally did a walk-through to see what they forgot.

The whole visit was exhausting, and as much as I love my daughter and my grandkids, I was relieved when they finally went home.  Then I got to clean, vacuum, pick up and wash wet towels, strip beds, gather up all the sheets and pillowcases to wash.

As others have stated, all this could have been avoided if they just got a motel room and we met for breakfast at a local restaurant.  I know I sound terrible and probably deserve any snarky comments I get.

[Sooner]

@jellyBEAN My thought is that you deserve consideration as well as the proposed visitor.  I think you are perfectly within your rights to say no or set limits and feel good about it.

Options:  Make it very clear that you are not in a position to have visitors right not, no explanation, no guilt needed.

Offer to pay for a hotel room for one night (or maybe two) if you can and that's it.  Mention that you are not cooking and it will be cereal and sandwiches only at your house--fix it yourself.

You are not a hotel, you do not have to act like one.  You can let him stay 2 or 3 nights, self help, and that's it. Tell his you are not at your best and not able to provide services.  

Best option:  Say NO.