Re: Akward request to attend funeral

stevieb · ‎03-10-2010

Right or wrong, the sons lost their mother and it appears would like their father there for support. He is not obligated to go and if he isn't interested that's his right but he needs to clearly say so and put an end to any notion he might be going. Sending them each a plant is not going to make anything better. It's his presence they're seeking. Perhaps he could offer to meet them somewhere for lunch or dinner after the funeral.

In my pantry with my cupcakes...

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

@CalminHeart wrote:

My ex and I have been divorced 27 years. I'd go to his funeral to support our kids.

Why did you feel the need to trash the ex with how many times she was married? Tacky.

Her entire post was tacky but that unnecessary jab at the widow said a lot. It's likely that she is the problem. She's pressuring her husband not to go. He knows if he goes for his sons, they'll be heck to pay at home.

reviewer from sc · ‎09-07-2010

Funerals are for the family and friends of the deceased. Unless the husband's health prevents him from going, he should be there for his sons. Nevermind the ex-wife or anyone else. From personal experience, when my father passed away some number of years ago, everyone at the funeral knew who was there and who wasn't and why. It still resonates to this day amongst the family. If he doesn't go to support his sons (unless his health is really bad), it'll resonate with his sons for the rest of their lives. He should attend the funeral for them.

FancyPhillyshopper · ‎05-02-2017

Dear Stepmother,

Don't be the evil image of fairy tales. You sound bitter about the mother, and overly critical of the sons.

Do you have any of your own children? Then you should know a loving heart is always the best response.

They are asking their dad for compassion and his loving presence at one of the saddest days of their lives, no matter their age. They are filled with sorrow and regret at the way the family worked out.

Probably neither of them will jump to go to your funeral, and if you push them away from their father, they might write him out of their lives as well. Maybe that's what you want anyway.

What a messy, sad and miserable situation to have to even debate. We cannot always choose who we get stuck with as family, and sounds like some of you lack kindness and care.

My deepest condolences to the two stepsons.

Snicks1 · ‎07-28-2012

Unless he is medically, or physically unable to go, how can he not go? His son/s has asked him to go and has said they need him to go, for them. Doesn't matter their age, when a parent dies, it still is a painful experience for the child. And his sons must know if medical/physical inability is the real reason.

My ex died 12 years after I divorced him, he had re-married and again was divorced, with 2 additional children with 2nd wife. I attended both the visitation and funeral, for my children. They were upset, their father had died, as I knew they would be upset. They loved their dad, just as they loved me. And believe me, it was the last place I personally wanted to be. I had no feelings for him at all by that point. I also went to the burial at the cemetery, which was actually the 2nd car behind the immediate family, I drove our grandchildren (they were all very young), to give my children some time, on the way to the cemetery. No one batted an eye, at least not to my knowledge, as I was only paying attention to my children's and grandchildren's needs. I could not have cared less what anyone else thought about my presence there.

I don't understand how this is even a question unless there is a lot more than has been stated. When your children need you, you go. I don't know, maybe that's just me.

"To each their own, in all things".

Jesse Ann · ‎08-20-2022

I possibly think it might be that he or they (the sons) don't want to attend the funeral by themselves therefore pressuring their Dad to come along with them. If they want to go, then they need to go ALONE! Everyone is adults now and your husband should NOT BE pressured into going, OR made to feel guilty IF he doesn't attend the funeral. My mom did not attend my dad's mother's funeral when granny died. She knew my granny and was around her for 40+ years and after my mom and dad divorced granny died within a years time. So being that your situation and the timeline of everything that has happened, I would not attend the funeral myself and your step son/s should respect your husband's decision, if he says NO. I have attended over 100 funerals in my life and there is no expectation that an ex will attend a funeral. Especially after all the years of no contact. And, would your stepson/s expect their mom to attend your husband's funeral if the table was turned? Just a thought. These times in life are stressful and your stepson/s need to do what they want to do and not depend on their dad for support in this situation.

eadu4 · ‎06-14-2011

@Trailrun23 In the end it is your husband's decision and no one elses. While it's nice to validate your feelings (whatever side you're on) it comes down to his decision.

No matter how sidways my divorce went from my kids dad (they are adults now) I still would feel the need to attend. Why? In the end without him I would not have those 2 specific wonderful human beings in my life. And to that end I would not have my 3 beautiful grandkids since I would not have my daughter. He may not have been the husband for me but he was their dad.

Let him make his decision HIMSELF. You should have no say in it. It was a past life for him and how he wants to deal with it is on him to decide. He needs to talk to his sons and the three of them decide how they feel they want to honor her. No matter what she carried and delivered those two men. If he asks for your opinion, if it was me...I would just say "It's up to you and your sons." and let it go at that. This is not the time for petty jealousy, anger, or whatever happened in the past. Be the bigger person.

manny2 · ‎05-24-2010

This is not complicated. It has nothing to do with how old his children are. They want him there for support. He should do it. He can explain to them how he feels and then offer to go in with them, stay an hour and then leave. I am sure the sons will appreciate and understand.

stevieb · ‎03-10-2010

Personally, I'm going to avoid making assumptions about the OP's investment in all this. I don't know her. She expresses some concern for her husband's health, which is reasonable. If there are turf issues or some level of resentment about his having a life before her, that's a different story, but we don't know whether either of those things applies, so why go there. My own feeling is the husband needs to reach out in some fashion to his sons. Again, if he chooses not to go to the funeral then the offer of some other opportunity to meet up with his sons seems a reasonable expectation. Whether the sons were close to their mom or not, she was still their mom and are seeking some connection with their remaining parent.

In my pantry with my cupcakes...