Community Chat

[Big Sister]

I am guessing that you are feeling some relief now and you can take a deep breath.

I'm glad you canceled the gifts; it was the right thing to do.

Now you can let them all go and just enjoy your time with your activities and good friends.

Just have fun and don't think about the "family" for a while, or until they change their attitudes. But I would not hold my breath.

Give yourself a pat on your back.

[Mom2Dogs]

I understand the OP....sadly I think that behavior is common.

We gift at birthdays and Christmas, that is it. Sometimes we get a thank you from the grand kids sometimes not. I am going to think about what to do for Christmas this year. Generally we have the two grandchildren (one grown and married the other a young teen) over to the house for finger food and gift opening. Last year was very uncomfortable, the young adult married grandchild and her dh just do not know how to make conversation and the teen, well she is an average teen, not always a joy to be around. The mom to these two girls live a distance away and does not get home for Christmas so we have tried to carry on the tradition but this year I am pretty sure that I am going to wrap, box up and my husband and I will deliver to the married grandchild and say Merry Christmas, open your gifts on Christmas....it is no longer any fun. The kids might be relieved, ha!

[NC Bandwagon]

Hi, qvcaddition.

Sorry for how you're being treated. I hope things work out for you. If not, then just take care of yourself.

I keep hearing about this happening, families just kind of pushing each other to the wayside.

[ivey]

I have a complicated family, too. Shopping for some grandchildren from a blended family was a nightmare. I was given a "list" of expensive things to purchase. After a while of their ingratitude, I started buying for the case workers who took toys to Child Protective Services kids who fell through the cracks around Christmas. That was the biggest blessing to ME. I got to shop for children, yet there wasn't a worry that it wasn't the perfect toy. Kids who aren't getting anything aren't too picky! I have helped this particular group for years--so my suggestion is to find a group through church or organizations and go shopping for them. You'll enjoy it.

As to your grandchildren--they were raised by your children who didn't get it right with respect for elders. If a man can ask you for money, he can come see you when he has his children for an hour or so. Respect for the elderly in this country is appalling except in a few ethnic groups who got it right.

I also have a son whose job must be to keep the globe on its axis because he lives in the same town and doesn't call or answer my texts unless I'm buying dinner.

[issiestorm]

Okay, this is my opinion and I'm sure it won't be popular, but that's okay because usually no one pays me any mind on these boards anyway (not that I give a flying fig leaf). If I were you, I would just live my own life and do whatever I want, whenever I want. I would not bother about an ungrateful, uncaring family. I would spend money on myself and nothing on them, no loans, no gifts. You say you are a young 78, so I assume you have a friendship circle. I say use your money to take a nice long trip, don't tell any of your family about it, and just enjoy your life as best as you can. Be good to yourself. You've earned the right to make yourself number one. And best of luck to you. As someone who has seen elderly people in nursing homes who never hear from their family until they're dead and the bloodsuckers hone in on the will, I feel very strongly about this. (Oh yes, I've also at times rescued their little dogs whom the relatives would have dropped off at the nearest animal control center).

You asked for opinions, that's mine.

[momma3gs]

On 10/17/2014 Issiestorm said:

Okay, this is my opinion and I'm sure it won't be popular, but that's okay because usually no one pays me any mind on these boards anyway (not that I give a flying fig leaf). If I were you, I would just live my own life and do whatever I want, whenever I want. I would not bother about an ungrateful, uncaring family. I would spend money on myself and nothing on them, no loans, no gifts. You say you are a young 78, so I assume you have a friendship circle. I say use your money to take a nice long trip, don't tell any of your family about it, and just enjoy your life as best as you can. Be good to yourself. You've earned the right to make yourself number one. And best of luck to you. As someone who has seen elderly people in nursing homes who never hear from their family until they're dead and the bloodsuckers hone in on the will, I feel very strongly about this. (Oh yes, I've also at times rescued their little dogs whom the relatives would have dropped off at the nearest animal control center).

You asked for opinions, that's mine.

Don't know if your opinion will be popular or not, but I totally agree with everything you said. We can't force people to care about us ... they either do or they don't. I can understand how OP feels about her family and I'm glad she's happy, even after their shabby treatment of her, that she has been generous with them.

At this point, however, I wouldn't give ungrateful and uncaring relatives any more money or gifts.

[qvcaddition]

I came back to read the latest replies, and agree. My children were not raised to not care or have lack of manners. When My Grandma was alive, their Great grandmother, like myself today, I had them call her or my Dad, or write Thank you notes. When we had family dinners, the elderly were included in the conversation, not just there out of guilt.

For quite awhile, I stopped with the holiday gifts, and just brought something I thought they would enjoy, but then stopped that also when, I would leave it on their doorstep when no one was home and never got a reply, I had to ask.

I am a docent at a famous museum in town, so I brought coloring books along with the story of the person and things they were coloring. I found no one read to these Grandkids the stories. When I went to my daughters house on the day she had her grandchild, the kid didn't even say hello, nor did my daughter say to her, Say hello to your Great Grandma. That is when I posted the question on here about the gift giving.

When my children were growing up, they heard me call my Grandma or Dad every day or night. I had one or the other up to my home for the weekend, because I was working in the city, so I would pick them up on a Friday night and take them home on a Monday morning before I went to work. I was never too busy for them, my children or Grandchildren.

In 2008, I graduated from college, I went as a hobby, I was 72. I was Valedictorian and received a scholarship, but none of my Grandchildren went to the Graduation exercise, nor did my daughter. She had told me the night before they would be there. It hurt a lot, but as parents we always forgive. My two sons went. I never missed an open house, play, graduation, baseball practice, soccer, etc for the Grandkids, or for my children even working three jobs as a single mom. I went wrong somewhere. I did get a phone call from my daughter yesterday after three weeks. She lives around the corner, but busy, with her friends, doesn't have to work. She was ashamed of me going to college at my age, and was quite surprise when I succeeded as I did, so was I. It was only went the city paper wrote an article about me, that her friends knew.

Anyway I do live a full life and continue to volunteer and take classes and do things with friends. The point is, being an only child growing up, I wanted a big family, which I have, but they do not notice me at all. I could never do that to someone who gave so much love, time, and money . Just the love given would have been enough for me to want to talk to or see the person. Next life, I will have a big loving family.

I also think maybe they feel intimidated around me, but they shouldn't, I never lorded anything over them. Their loss. They are going to have to show they want a relationship before I do anything anymore, not just gift giving.

[MikafromTopeka]

The only great grandmother I ever had was by marriage. She was my grandma's husband's mother. We visited her occasionally as my grandparents watched me while my mother worked till I went to first grade. We called her Grandma (her last name) and although I always knew she wasn't a biological great grandma I still remember a lot about her. She passed away when I was about 5 years old. I'm 50 now.

Make the most of the time you do get with them and they will always remember you. I don't remember her giving gifts but I remember the neat things she had in her house and that she liked children and was kind. That is what matters.

[wildcherry]

qvcaddition, your post is heartbreaking. Congratulations on your college graduation first of all. I should think they would want to brag about their Grammy and her accomplishments. I think you already know what to do though. You said it yourself. It is great that you live a full life with your interests and your friends. I also understand that family is important too, but somehow along the way your family never got the memo. It's time to think about you first and see what happens. Also, you may not have gone wrong at all. Some people are just the way they are, and that is just too bad. I wish you peace and happiness and I hope things work whichever way you want them too.

Again, I feel for your situation as you sound like a very kind and giving person.

[kdgn]

Congratulations on getting your degree! Age should never be a barrier to education. Your daughter should have attended the ceremony and if she had kids, brought them too.

"I went wrong somewhere."

No, you didn't go wrong. They are adults. We raise our children to do the right thing, to have manners, to send thank you notes or call. When they become adults they either do it or they don't, their decision to make.

My sibling and I were raised the same way: thank you notes immediately after receiving a gift. Unfortunately that wasn't the way their children were raised; no thank you notes, no phone calls-not to me, not to their grandparents. I stopped giving.