Among Friends

[possummink]

[snappyfrappy]

Dear pattiewaddle, my heart is full after reading all the loving things others have written to you and about their own experiences.

Sorry your BIL's call was upsetting. Maybe he's really trying to help, but doesn't know how.

My hubby didn't have a password for his computer, and he didn't do banking or any other business on line, but he really left a garage full of things. He wouldn't talk to me about who should have what. Maybe he was in denial. He had metastatic tongue cancer and Parkinsons. I decided to give all his power tools to our son who has two sons of his own. My girls didn't need those things. There is still so much in his office. DD and I don't even know what much of it is, let alone what to do with it. It's hard for me to shred his medical records. Like his PET scan results. It's sort of like getting rid of him, which isn't logical, but I feel that way. We did shred huge amounts of papers from houses we bought clear back to the 70s or earlier. Bag after bag of things. DD found every nearby dumpster and that's how we disposed of them.

I gave his few clothes to charity immediately. He didn't care about them, just wore jeans or shorts and I had no attachment to them. Other can't bear to do that. We all have things that impact us in a special way.

Sorry you have banking troubles, but it sounds as if you are in better shape now. Ever since I was about 12, I've longed to be at church to worship and learn about the Lord and the Word. So, I was completely unprepared when I found going to be the hardest thing I do. So, for the most part, I stay home on Sundays. There's Hillsong Channel on our cable. On Sunday nights at 6, Dr. David Jeremiah's church service is broadcast. Beautiful music and good teaching, so for now, that's my church. But I do miss the fellowship of others.

I think you will return when you are ready. But I understand.

I overcompensated the first Christmas and spent way too much money on everyone. I could afford to, but it wasn't necessary. I still buy way too many clothes, especially tops. I know what I'm doing, so it's better to leave the Q off. Today is fashion day. Oh dear.

I watch a lot on HGTV and the Hallmark channel. They are running their Christmas in July movies which I've seen before, but like.

I've had several dreams with my hubby in them. For the most part, he doesn't engage with anyone, he's just there, but now and then he does something mean which he never, ever did in real life. That sort of troubles me, but dreams are odd anyway.

I used to cook all the meals, but have physical limitations now so I can't. DD and I eat things like omelets, Subway sandwiches, soup and salad, etc.

I'm glad you lost the weight you wanted to do, but sorry for why.

I'm glad my DD is home for the summer. She teaches, and needs to work 3 more years to get her full retirement benefits.

I'm 84, and I do ask the Lord to let me live and function so she can do that. We bought this house new in 1986 and DD has lived here with us all this time. About 4 years ago, I sold it to her so it's hers when I go Home, and so I have money in case of medical needs, like nursing, etc.

It's working out very well. I'm so blessed to have her with me.

My 2nd GGdaughter is due this week. The other little one is just a year old. Little cousins who will grow up together.

Did you notice that this tread was started by Bobbisue??

How interesting is that?

Do take care of yourself. It's good to see you here.

Hi to you other dear friends.

Hope this week is happy for you.

snappy

[possummink]

---

@halfpint1 wrote:

It has been over 2 years and is it bad to move things out of his bedroom?Since we were from Minnesota I had given him Viking clothes and decorations.What about ashes-his mothers. Haven't heard from his sister and I haven't written her children or heard anything from them at all. Is she dead or alive?Seen them back there a couple of times. One niece sent a grad announcement about her son. I ignored that--bad of me-Don't know him at all. Nothing at all-sad about their uncle? Do you hear from your husbands relatives or were you never that close? Well I will close for now before the compputer does it on me. Take care all

Renee,   It is not bad to move things out of your DH's bedroom at all.  It's your home and you can do as you wish with the clothing, furniture etc.   If your son doesn't want the clothing, and you don't want to keep it there, many charities would be happy to have those clothes.  There are many people who need help and don't have the money to buy nice clothing.  You could contact Salvation Army,  Disabled Veterans,  etc.  and ask them to come and pick some things up, even furniture.

I don't know what to say about ashes.  Maybe one of our friend here could give you some help there.

Take care of yourself and keep cool and safe, especially on your walks.  

---

[snappyfrappy]

Dear halfpint,

Wow, I don't know what you should do about your MIL's ashes! Seems that someone in your hubby's family should have them. I do hope you can make a connection with one of those people.

It's not bad for you to do whatever you want to do with his things. He doesn't need them anymore, and I imagine he'd like you to be comfortable in your home.

My hubby didn't know his mother, so I didn't have in-laws.

I met his dad twice early in our marriage. He was nice, but very quiet, like hubby.

His dad and stepmother had 3 kids. They are quite a lot younger than hubby. I've met a sister-in-law once. They live in NY where he was born. The half sister is someone I met once in the 1950s. So no, we had no times together with them.

What do you plan for the 4th?

DD and I are going to have hot dogs, corn on the cob and strawberries.

Have a pleasant day,

snappy

[Annabellethecat66]

I think most of us widows would agree that when it comes to dealing with death (especially our husband's death) there is no time line, no right and no wrong way or time to do anything.

Each of us is different, just like we all grieve in our own way, right?

Just today I was talking to my friend at lunch (remember, I told you on Saturday it was the same day (back in the 90's that her husband died).  Remember, I told you on that day I drive her to lunch and at that ONE time she orders a drink, the only time.  Just something she does.  I totally support her in any way I can.  I encouraged her to talk about her husband (as much as she wanted to).

Today she and I was talking and the conversation went to how the brain can TRICK the heart.  I told her that even after all this time (since 2004) if the phone rings late at night my first thought is, "it's my husband...He's in Atlanta.  The plane is delayed and he wants to talk".  

This scenario would go on every other week.  He was coming from Florida and he had to change planes in Atlanta.  We'd have wonderful conversations.  Just us talking about old TV shows, our girls, etc.

I know all of you ladies know what I'm talking about.  We've all been there and will go back there time and time again.

So, getting back to time lines.  There are none.  Do whatever works best for you and your heart.  Don't let anyone tell you you must do this or that.  They don't know your heart, only you do.  If you never want to get rid of it, don't.  Listen to your heart.  It's been good to you so far and it will continue to be good to you if you listen to it.

Besides, it's our hearts that holds the memories and the love we had for our loved ones.  Some would say it's just the mind, but you'll never convince me of that.  You see, I take my honey out of my heart, remember the love and memories, and put them back for safe keeping til the next time I need him.....

[geezerette]

@pattiewaddle

Yes, I too had, and still have to a lesser degree, some problems with changing account information at various places.  Some were straightforward and easy, others—not so much.  I had to hire an attorney for a few things, which are still not straightened out.  Most everything has been problems on their end, not mine.   Nothing seems to work the way it is supposed to nowadays it seems.  All that is what had me tied in knots for weeks, but little by little, I got most of it done.  Which is one thing that I can be proud of myself.  I did all that myself.  It took a while, and it wasn’t smooth, but I sure can’t imagine my husband tackling all this paperwork shuffle if he had to do it.  It might not seem like a big 

deal to the young women of today with all they accomplish, but to me, it was.

Food and cooking is a problem for me too.  At first I couldn’t keep anything down, and what I did went right through me.  I lost about 15 pounds, 10 was okay, but the last five were a little much.  I went to the doctor to see about some medication, but when I read the side-effects, I decided not to take it.  I had some bentonite clay I had taken for some other g.i. upsets, so I used that for a while instead.  I discovered that fast food was a great cure for my problems, but as a full-time diet it wasn't very healthy.  I still have trouble buying groceries; I’m always buying too much.  Lots of days I’m just not hungry and it’s hard to force myself to cook just a few veggies for one.  So I tend to eat things I can just grab, which are usually not healthy.  I keep telling myself I’ll do better.

@halfpint1

I don’t think there is a right or wrong time to do anything related to your husband.  If you want to move his things, go ahead.  If not, don’t.  I still haven’t washed the last batch of my husband’s dirty clothes.  I just can’t bring myself to do it yet.  I told a friend this, and she had a fit, saying I needed to wash them immediately before they turned moldy.  My feathers got ruffled at that, and that’s when I realized that what everyone says is true—we all have our own timeline and other people won’t necessarily understand and think you should move on.  (My friend did later apologize saying it was none of her business.  And I did check to see if the clothes were getting moldy!😄)  I moved a lot of his things into his bedroom when I realized people would be coming over a lot now.  When I started straightening out the kitchen to suit me better, I felt guilty.  I do a little at a time, when the mood strikes me.  There have been times I’ve set something aside to donate or trash, and then changed my mind and put it back where it was.  I have given a few personal things to very close friends, but I haven’t even considered going through everything yet.

No, I don’t have contact with any of my in-laws.  At the end, my husband had no contact with them and did not want me to contact them if he passed.  I think that, like your in-laws, they wouldn’t really care.  But that is good and bad.  I don’t have anyone meddling in my affairs, as @pattiewaddle does, but it would be nice to have some more support system it we had a decent relationship.  But it is what it is.  We all have to live with the cards we are dealt.

I hope you are doing well and that it’s not too hot where you are.  It’s really hot and dry here.  Everything is drying up and dying.  It doesn’t t even cool down at night, which makes it hard to get out and get any exercise.  I just keep praying my air conditioner doesn’t break down!🔥

[possummink]

[possummink]

[possummink]

[possummink]