Among Friends

[possummink]

[possummink]

[possummink]

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@1Snickers wrote:

@possummink  I'm so glad to see you post, I saw the heart you sent and hope that means you're ok! I'll let the others that are concerned know. Thanks!  Take care!❤️🧡💛💜💙🤎💗💓💞❣️
   

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@1Snickers 

Krypto,   Thank you for looking out for and checking up on me.  Had problems trying to log on last week and tried live chat,  calling QVC etc ,  I finally gave up and then got busy with outside chores.  Did get my tractor's battery back in it after putting the battery in the basement over the winter.  I got the front yard cut and still have to do the side yards and back yard which is covered in purple and white violets.  May not cut that part for a bit. 

I hope you are doing ok and keeping up with Snickers ok.   Take good care and be safe.   🥰🌹🌷

[possummink]

[possummink]

[possummink]

[possummink]

[Bird mama]

@luvmybonnie   I became a widow at age 44 when my husband took his own life in 2007.  When people use the expression 'my world came crashing down' I know what they mean.  It was like my world crash and exploded at the same time.  I'm trying to think of how to describe this without it coming across like a competition.  For me, the grief of an unexpected death and an expected death is a little different.  I think when a loved one is ill and suffering, even though it still feels like you are being split in half when they pass away, you can lean on your faith and take comfort that your loved one is no longer suffering.

With an unexpected death, you just don't see it coming and it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under you and your world has turned upside down in a blink.

I've experienced loss due to suicide once with my husband and I pray I never experience it again with any other family member.  To be brutally honest, my initial reaction was, he was planning this and if he loved me he would have taken me out first and then himself.  I felt a sense of abandonment and a tremendous amount of guilt.  Soul crushing guilt; as his wife how did I not see this?  Did I miss the signs?

My doctor recommended that I talk to a social worker to work it through.  I believe that my doctor was afraid for me.  I went to several sessions while I was on leave from work because I partially cracked.  Not to get all new-age on you, I'm born on the Leo-Virgo cusp and during that time, the Virgo (analytical) side of me took over.  I had family and to be honest they didn't know what to do for me anyway, not their fault.  It's been my experience that if you didn't go through a loss like that, it's hard to provide comfort. 

I was consumed with grief and had some anger at my husband, but mostly with myself.  I can't lie to you, it took 10 anniversaries of that fateful day before I could make it through without my hands shaking.  You don't try to remember the details of the day.  You can't help it - it's seared into your mind.

I am retired now but was still working at that time.  I am grateful that I had pets that kept me rooted to planet earth and reality.  They needed me and that gave me purpose.  It's going to come and go for you kind of like a yoyo for the first year especially.  My therapist (back then) told me that grief takes 4 seasons.  She was right - the first four seasons were killer because each season brought forth new memories that cut like a knife.

You can not go around this, under this or above this.  Your grief is going to be like an onion and you will work through it a layer at a time.  The first time you see something that makes you chuckle the sound will be foreign and you will wonder what in the heck is that?  I promise you that you will smile and laugh one day.  

[possummink]

[luvmybonnie]

@Bird mama Thank you so much for your kind words.  The pain of my husband's suicide is unlike anything I could ever have imagined. I'm angry because he chose to do this, knowing he was leaving me alone - no family, nothing.  We were a team and we were supposed to take care of each other. I'm sad because he must have been desperate to leave the pain he was in, and I didn't realize how bad it was. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. The pain just consumes me.  I hope there is light at the end of this really long tunnel.