Among Friends

[possummink]

[possummink]

[possummink]

[River Song]

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@Silkeej wrote:

Welcome!!  I am so sorry for your loss and we here  on this thread know how painful the loss is. I know for myself it is one day at a time. My DH has been gone seven years come Octoberr and there isn't a day I don't thnk about him or miss him. Seems like just yesterday I heard him laugh or saw his sweet face. I found there are stages we all go through. I can promise you it will get better, they say time is a healer and to some degree it is true but you will always miss that special person. I found keeping busy is very helpful  so I don't constantly think about the loss, or how quiet the house is without him. I always liked being part of a couple and depended on my DH for so many things I have had to learn to do. The nice thing about this thread is someone is always here so if you just need to let off some steam we are here for you. Because we have been where you are we understand, are not judgemental  and are very good listners. I found that a real life saver for me. Please come often, let us know how you are doing. 

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@Silkeej ,

Gosh, I could've written your exact post.  My DH died a year and a half ago and it seems like it happened yesterday.

My DH did almost all of the yard work (he loved puttering around the yard).  I can't afford lawn service so now I'm stuck having to do it all.  Just purchased a new battery-powered self-propelled lawn mower and am contemplating purchasing a chain saw.  The problem is, I never had my DH show me how to use one!  This is what ticks me off, he's not here to ask how to do something because I never dreamed I would have to do the stuff I now have to do!  Sometimes, I just want to scream.

[River Song]

@luvmybonnie,

I'm so sorry you lost your husband in such a tragic way.  I'm sure you are in a state of shock and devastation.

I've been widowed twice.  My first husband died 30 years ago in a car accident, died at the scene, so I had three cops show up at my door to tell me my husband was dead but that they didn't have any details about the accident.  Talk about total shock!  Honestly, I don't remember much about the first year after his death, it was all a blur, I was just going through the motions in a trance.  I feel like I lost a year of my life being in a walking-talking coma.

I'm living proof that you will get through this, but I won't lie.  It's not going to be a piece of cake.

I did eventually remarry, only to have my second DH die of a terminal illness here at home a year and a half ago.  I told my second husband that I get to die first so I won't have to be a widow again and, darn it, he got cancer and here I am...widowed again. So unfair.  But, I'm hanging in there, doing my best to muddle through.

Please don't hesitate to come back and talk if you feel like it.  I know it's hard but it does help to realize that you are not alone.

[ArmoBuyer]

Not having posted a message for years, I came here today and found this widows' thread...feels like God directed me here. After 45 years, I lost my Love almost five years ago. My heart is broken but mending.

I have come a long way, painfully, but I do want to say that it does get manageable, if not easy. What I've learned:

— People are kind and want to help. Accept their offer!

— My husband died rather suddenly, traumatically. It took a PhD to define my post traumatic stress disorder was not "mourning." I sought a therapist's help. Be sensitive to what you are really experiencing.

— There is no deadline for mourning...grief lasts as long as it lasts and others cannot insist when you will move on.

— If I may be totally honest, I will tell you that in the first months after he passed, I went to where his remains were scattered. I parked and just screamed at the top of my lungs. May sound kookie, but I am sure it eased my stress.

— I felt so lost, but ever so slowly have given myself credit for my strengths. 

— Pray.

I still have a ways to go. I hope you all, through God's grace, are able to carry sweet memories which will far outweigh your sorry.

[possummink]

[geezerette]

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@River Song wrote:

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@Silkeej wrote:

Welcome!!  I am so sorry for your loss and we here  on this thread know how painful the loss is. I know for myself it is one day at a time. My DH has been gone seven years come Octoberr and there isn't a day I don't thnk about him or miss him. Seems like just yesterday I heard him laugh or saw his sweet face. I found there are stages we all go through. I can promise you it will get better, they say time is a healer and to some degree it is true but you will always miss that special person. I found keeping busy is very helpful  so I don't constantly think about the loss, or how quiet the house is without him. I always liked being part of a couple and depended on my DH for so many things I have had to learn to do. The nice thing about this thread is someone is always here so if you just need to let off some steam we are here for you. Because we have been where you are we understand, are not judgemental  and are very good listners. I found that a real life saver for me. Please come often, let us know how you are doing. 

---

@Silkeej ,

Gosh, I could've written your exact post.  My DH died a year and a half ago and it seems like it happened yesterday.

My DH did almost all of the yard work (he loved puttering around the yard).  I can't afford lawn service so now I'm stuck having to do it all.  Just purchased a new battery-powered self-propelled lawn mower and am contemplating purchasing a chain saw.  The problem is, I never had my DH show me how to use one!  This is what ticks me off, he's not here to ask how to do something because I never dreamed I would have to do the stuff I now have to do!  Sometimes, I just want to scream.

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@River Song 

Oh yes.  The repairs and maintenance debacle.  I hate it all.  My husband did most everything and rarely called a service person.  I told him many times I didn't want to be one of those old couples that didn't accept reality when they needed to downscale and ended up with one getting stuck in a situation that person couldn't handle.  And guess who ended up in just that position?😖

Thankfully, I have someone to mow my yard, but I used to do a bit on my own at times.  And then the old mower got to the point that it needed repair almost every time I needed it and  I finally was too embarrassed anymore to ask my friends for help with it, so I chucked it.  

So, I was thinking of getting a battery powered push mower, but I'm not sure if I have enough strength anymore to use one.  How do you like yours?  I'd hate to spend several hundred dollars and find out they didn't work well or I couldn't manage it.  How about maintenance?  Does it require much regularly?  

I've also considered a chain saw.  But I know the gas powered ones are way too complicated for me, and they always were a pain for my husband to maintain--and he knew what he was doing!  So I've thought about a battery powered tree saw, like a Sun Joe.  I just spent the past winter trimming the trees along my driveway by hand.  My drive is a quarter mile long and it took me the whole winter because I could only do a little at a time.

There is so much around here that I've been trying to do by hand that my husband used to do with some sort of big machine, which is ridiculous on my part, not to mention painful to my body!  I have to get it into my head that I can't keep this place looking like it did when my husband was alive.  Just the regular house and car maintenance can be overwhelming.  Sometimes it seems like everything breaks down at the same time!

So sometimes anger and frustration overtake my feelings of sadness.  Not sure that's an improvement!😒😉

[geezerette]

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@ArmoBuyer wrote:

Not having posted a message for years, I came here today and found this widows' thread...feels like God directed me here. After 45 years, I lost my Love almost five years ago. My heart is broken but mending.

I have come a long way, painfully, but I do want to say that it does get manageable, if not easy. What I've learned:

— People are kind and want to help. Accept their offer!

— My husband died rather suddenly, traumatically. It took a PhD to define my post traumatic stress disorder was not "mourning." I sought a therapist's help. Be sensitive to what you are really experiencing.

— There is no deadline for mourning...grief lasts as long as it lasts and others cannot insist when you will move on.

— If I may be totally honest, I will tell you that in the first months after he passed, I went to where his remains were scattered. I parked and just screamed at the top of my lungs. May sound kookie, but I am sure it eased my stress.

— I felt so lost, but ever so slowly have given myself credit for my strengths. 

— Pray.

I still have a ways to go. I hope you all, through God's grace, are able to carry sweet memories which will far outweigh your sorry.

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@ArmoBuyer 

Nope, doesn't sound kooky at all.  I often scream and cry that I don't like "this" and I can't stand it.  Thankfully I live on several acres and don't have neighbors close by!😆

I'm sorry for your loss, as well.  This is a funny road we all travel--it's the same road, but we all have a slightly different path we go on it.  I think it depends on our own personalities, age, health condition, close friends/family (or not), even where and now we live.  

We have many of the same challenges, which is why having contact with others in our same circumstance can be very helpful.  But we also can have different abilities and responsibilities.  We all end up having to find the path that works for us.

Thank you for posting.  Please feel free to join in anytime!  We often have someone that may need some of your special expertise and advice.👍

[luvmybonnie]

Thank you all for your strength. We had no family at all, so now it's just me. I brought his urn home from the funeral home yesterday and don't recall ever crying that hard. My goal right now is to make it just one day without crying.