Among Friends

[Group 5 minus 1]

My M-i-L passed awy in Sept. She had kidney and we knew her days here were not long. My husbands sister had her write it all down so that her wishes could be followed.

Now on the other hand my Mom refused to talk about any plans and told me she knew I would make all the right decisions. I hope I did.

[icezeus]

I am sorry for what you are currently going through.

My suggestion would be a compromise between both you and your daughter. I think you should both meet each other half way.

The last thing that you would want, would be for her to become angry with you and how she perceives you have treated her father. It could turn into years of not speaking with each other or seeing your grandchild over something that could have easily been avoided.

I wish you well with whatever decision you make.

[RedTop]

My Dad would never discuss what he wanted as far as funeral arrangements.  I think my Dad was only aware of the traditional funerals of family members, and thought that was just the way things were, and he trusted my Mom to do what needed to be done.  Mom favors cremation, and while my Dad never made a comment for or against it, my brother stated he was against cremation, so Mom went with a traditional burial for my Dad.  We had one hour viewing, a simple service at the funeral home, and a very short prayer at the cemetery, since it was bitterly cold with a wind chill factor about 30 below!  Mom did not want my brother to spend the rest of his life dealing with her decision, since Dad had never said he was for cremation.   However, my Mom wants to be cremated, and pre-arranged that for herself when she paid for Dads funeral.  That has been made clear to my brother for the last 11 years, and knowing Mom has made that choice herself is okay with my brother.   I know what Mom really wanted to do, and I totally supported that decision, but I also know she did the right thing in respecting my brothers feelings with her final decision.  

Sending prayers of strength, and peace, with whatever decisions you have to make in this situation.   

[151949]

Well, your DH is clearly unable to express his desires on this topic at this time. Haven't you and him ever discussed this? Anyway, I think you do need to give your daughter some say in things. She loves him too. However, your wishes should be the primary ones , esp. since you seem to have strong feelings about this. you certainly don't want this to be the start of a disagreement with your daughter at a time when you will need her most.

[lulu2]

KathyPet, I can only imagine what you are going through.  As others have said, you have the final say.  I hope you and your daughter are able to come to the right decision for both of you.

[minkbunny]

Oh, my heart breaks for you.  I, too, wish I could be sitting there with you.

You have the final say and hopefully your daughter is mature enough to realize that.  My best wishes that the two of you will come to an agreeable compromise.  My husband and I have discussed this and he has expressed his wishes.  He did say, however, for me to do whatever I felt best about at that time as one never knows what strain one has been under leading up to the final decision.  

Praying for a miracle for your family.

[MarieIG]

Unless there is a document in place already expressing your husband's last wishes, you as the spouse would have the final say.

But, this is the only child who adores her father, so I would compromise.  You see it as being painful to you, she sees it as her beloved father not receiving the respect, love and attention that he deserves. 

I didn't want a viewing (for my father) but did it for friends and family who were coming in from out of state to say goodbye.  (If they hadn't been close to him while he was alive, I woundn't have done it: but they were.)  There are other people who need closure, and your daughter is one.

You can shorten hours, make it for one day, and certainly don't have to stand at a receiving line. You can have someone drive you home early when you've had enough.  Talk to people in the funeral home about the options and your concerns.  Also, why limit the people who attend the You don't have to speak with anyone there.

If your daughter wants a lunch, she can arrange for and host that herself.  She can tell anyone who asks that you were not up to it. 

My best wishes to you and your daughter during this difficult time.

[KathyPet]

Thanks to all of you who contributed thoughtful ideas to help me solve my dilemma about plans for my husband's services and for all your kind wishes.  I am hoping he will be released from UVA medical  tomorrow or Tuesday and I can get him transported to the nursing facility near home until he returns to Charlottesville the following week for more chemo.  A week at home will be such a luxury!   If I can get a week at home I will take a very close friend with me to the funeral home and hear their thoughts on what can be done.

[jaxs mom]

Technically Catholic funeral masses are public, so you can't stop people from showing up. It's the same thing for Catholic wedding masses, according to a previous discussion I had with my priest. Having said that, as his wife it's your decision what happens regarding a viewing or any gathering in your home. I have to say, I've had lymphoma and I've also dealt with immediate life threating illness with my husband more than once and I can't even comprehend planning his funeral or him planning mine while either of us was fighting for our lives. I've done the out of town hospital stays with him more than once and I know how hard that is. I wouldn't give up yet, I was given a 30% chance of survival when I was diagnosed with lymphoma and I was stage 3b. I responded extremely well to chemo and I'm officially cured now and it's been about 15 years. 

[Reba055]

@jaxs mom   You are so right. Hopefully things will improve. Such great news about your recovery.