Among Friends

[KathyPet]

6 weeks ago my DH was diagnosed with a lymphoma called Large B cell lymphoma on his brain stem.  He was flown to UVA Medical in Charlottesville where he was stabilized and underwent several tests before a brain biopsy was performed to find out exactly what kind of cancer he has.  Except for a 5 day period prior to his first chemo and a 5 day period between his first and second chemo he has been in the UVA hospital ever since and I have been staying at a hotel in Carlottesville and spending my days at the hospital.  Chemo is not going particularly well and he has had to fight off internal bleeding and a lung infection which have extended his hospital time.  His neuro oncologist says he is not pleased with the results so far but is not ready to discontinue the chemo sessions. So we slog on and remain hopeful that things will turn around for him.  Because the lymphoma is in his brain stem all of his bodily functions (cognitive ability, speech, large and small muscle movement) have been severely affected and he is mostly in a comatose state unable to effectively communicate. I give this as background so you will know why I have not been able to discuss any of his wishes with him and so you can understand how emotionally and physically draining this has been for me being two hours away from my home living in a  hotel with no friends or family nearby to provide anything but phone support.  It truly is just a horrible nightmare to sit 10-12 hours a day next to his bed and talk to medical people but be unable to converse with him.

I am hopeful that next week he will be released after his second chemo to a skilled nursing facility near our home and I will have a week at home before he returns to Charlottesville for round 3 of chemo.

We have one child a daughter who has a 2 year old son.  They live close by.  She adores her Dad and is convinced that he will recover completely.

This past week I told her that if I had several days at home between his chemos that I wanted to go to a funeral home and make some pre-arrangements in case they became necessary so I would not have to do this while under even a more stressful time.  I then told her that I did not want a viewing and that I wanted a Catholic mass attended by just a very few close friends (Less than a dozen would be invitied).  She was very upset by this decision and wants the whole 9 yards so that my husband's friends have a chance to say goodbye.   When my son was killed in 1999 we had a viewing and a funeral Mass and a luncheon afterwards.  I found the entire experience to be the most awful thing I have ever gone through and swore I would never do it again.  We live in a over 55 community of about 160 homes and everyone knows everyone and the prior funeral services I have attended for friends here cause a huge turnout where the surviving spouse stands for hours and hours while well meaning friends line up to extend condolences.  Emotionally and physically I don't think I can do it but she is really upset about this decision.  So how much weight do I have to give to her wishes vs what I would want?  Sorry this is so lengthy but I needed to give the full picture. 

[culebra]

What does your husband want?  

[tansy]

First I am sorry your husband is so sick and my heart goes out to you.  Did you ever discuss a funeral with him before he was ill?  You should be the one in charge of any funeral arrangements.  

[Irshgrl31201]

Hi KathyPet, firstly I just want to say how so very sorry I am that you are having to go through this. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you.

Like the previous poster said, what would your husband have wanted? Did the two of you discuss this at all? 

[Isobel Archer]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I am also sorry about the posters who - after you have explained that you and your husband had not discussed this prior - and now can't - still insist on asking you what he wants.  That just adds unnecessary stress and I'm sorry for that.

I totally get your concerns about having to essentially entertain lots of people at a time when it would just be too much and too painful. 

What about a possible compromise - a viewing that your daughter can attend - representing the family - where all his friends can come and pay their respects, and then a small funeral mass for just family?

My prayers are with you.

[Bird mama]

KathyPet, I am so very sorry that your husband is critically ill and that you've been going through the lions share of this on your own.

In a perfect world, consensus on funeral arrangements between yourself and your daughter would be the way to go.

That said, as your husband's wife, I believe you have final say in the arrangements.

[Reba055]

First if all, I'm sorry that your husband is ill. It's a very smart decision to do pre-arrangements. 

You have the final say in what is done if your husband has not made his wishes known in a will. I know how I am, I would want to try to do what my daughter wanted. BUT I also have learned over the years dealing with chronic pain/spine issues to know my limitations. It's my experience that younger people don't really understand how taxing things can be, no matter how much they try to understand. Heck, sometimes I don't even get it. 

The whole 9 yards as you have described IS emotionally and physically draining. You are already overextended. I could say a lot of things, but the bottom line is, you have to do what you feel like you can handle. I think people are getting away from viewings and large funerals, and I'm glad. It was hard enough for me in my 30's, super healthy. I can't imagine doing that now at my age, health, and grieving. 

If you feel like you must compromise with your daughter then I would have a trusted relative or friend run interference for you. When you are tired or overwhelmed you can excuse yourself and go lie down or rest. If you don't have that support, I wouldn't even try to do that alone based on what you have expressed and how much it has already taken out of you. It doesn't sound like your daughter has accepted what is happening and will probably not be of any help that day, which is understandable. 

Again, I'm sorry.  

[tansy]

The OP said he can't discuss his wishes now.  Not that they've never talked about such matters -- even casually -- in the past.

[Isobel Archer]

She also said she "had not been able to discuss any of his wishes with him."

Had she done so in the past, I doubt she would have said that.

[NycVixen]

@KathyPet  I understand your postition.

In the last year I've attended 3 funerals all on my husband's side and it has completely changed my view. I used to really dread funerals. He's from a large family and while living in his country I saw how important it is for the entire community to come out to pay their respects. I've never seen anything like it and it was amazing to see how many people took the time to come.

I suggest you have a viewing to give those that want to say goodbye the chance to do so. However, you do not have to be there for the whole thing or can make it known that you need your privacy. In one of the funerals I attended, the widow opted for this and it was understood by everyone. You can have a private moment with your husband before the wake, leave if you choose and then come at the end when everyone has left. This is how the widow handled it. The funeral was then the next day.