Re: They're just not that into me.

QVCkitty1 · ‎05-23-2015

When I was busy with work, caregiving, and family, I had to say no to many invitations. When my life evened out there were people who just weren't interested anymore. Some people understand , some don't and sometimes you just have to move on.

" You are entitled to your opinion. But you are not entitled to your own facts."
Daniel Patrick Moynihan

manny2 · ‎05-24-2010

@FLgardener wrote:
@Kitlynn , Thank you for your thoughts. I have always been honest with my loved ones. There was no lapse in communications.

At some point, I became aware that they could not and would not accept the time frame of my grief . It was not
something they could relate to.

My loved ones needed to let me know they were not receptive to me when I expressed my own personal grief.

@FLgardenerGrief is a personal journey for each one of us. There is no timetable to follow. It is up to our family and friends to meet us where we are in the journey. It is not to you to adapt to what they are comfortable with.

Only you can make the determination on whether the family relationships are worth salvaging, or not. Sometimes even family relationships are toxic, and better left behind.

The most important lesson here is they showed you who they are, and now you know what to expect from them. Once we master not having expectations it doesn't hurt as much.

Foxxee · ‎10-03-2014

I heard this occurring so often. Both family and friends coming on strong at first trying to get the one grieving into doing a lot of things when that person wasn't ready. Instead of periodically staying in touch, they abandoned them thinking they, themselves, weren't liked anymore, some actually a bit angry.

I don't know the answer...family members are too important, though. Maybe, you could keep trying.

I don't know your circumstances, but something like inviting them for a little get together.

hckynut · ‎03-10-2010

@FLgardener wrote:
For several years now family members expressed concerns about my wellbeing, after losing my soulmate of 40 Years.

Now I am up to speed, although it took more than a few years to connect again.

I find that family members and friends actually cut me loose.

@FLgardener

Not sure you what you are expressing in your very last sentence, or "years to connect again". When was the disconnection, since you do say, paraphrasing, "for several years they expressed concerns"?

I lived with my mother my whole life until she died in 1969, when I was 30 years old. My immediate family consisted of my mother and 3 older sisters. We all lost our mother, however, they had been out of our home for years, so the loss was different for me in that respect.

I leaned on them for a time to be able to mentally adapt to living without seeing my mother everyday in her home. Unfortunately I also turned to alcohol to help me through the rough times.

They had families to raise and their own lives to live. We were always close, but much more during a period of time, after our mother's death. I realized I was an adult and had to learn how to go on with my life. Our circumstances are different, but much the same.

I guess it depends on what is meant by "disconnect". To me connections go both ways. For myself I have always been one to make "the 1st move", if you will. Mostly by a direct face to face conversation. If that cannot be established, I know where that person stands, and my life moves on.

Since my family was so small, now down to 1 sister, my more recent stories have to do with long term close friends. The longer one lives, the more their lives change. Like the world around us, we adapt. Other than that, I don't know what else to say.

hckynut

hckynut(john)

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

What does cut you loose mean? Is it possible that in your grief and recover you pushed them away or failed nurture family relationships and now you are just out of the loop.

Kitlynn · ‎03-09-2010

@FLgardener wrote:
@Kitlynn , Thank you for your thoughts. I have always been honest with my loved ones. There was no lapse in communications.

At some point, I became aware that they could not and would not accept the time frame of my grief . It was not
something they could relate to.

My loved ones needed to let me know they were not receptive to me when I expressed my own personal grief.

Well that is really sad and completely changes the situation. Everyone grieves in their own way and there is no time table for that. We all grieve in different ways.

Group 5 minus 1 · ‎03-11-2010

This is very sad. My Mom would say,"later for them".

'cuz every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man

FLgardener · ‎12-15-2013

@Tinkrbl44 wrote:
@FLgardener wrote:
@PickyPicky3 , I am sincerely sorry you had to endure that. I hope to shed some light on this seriously deep form of discrimination which is rarely discussed.

@FLgardener

Honestly, I don't really understand your comments. They were supportive for several years, then "cut you loose" and then put you in a corner? Your family is discriminating against you? Huh?

I can't speak to how they reacted to your behavior, because I'm not sure what you did or how it appeared to others. Did you seek professional counseling or expect others to fix you?

The only thing that comes to mind .... and this just my speculation ..... is that you were a lot more needy than you realized, and that can be very exhausting for others, especially if it went on for several years, as you say. If they started avoiding you, that might be why.

A person in an emotional crisis needs help, but as they recover and improve they need less support. That's the way it should be. It doesn't mean they "cut you loose". JMO

There many insightful posts here. Yours is not one of them What did I do? Well after being a cancer warrior along with my husband for nine years while working, I fell apart. I got myself into grief counseling, made no demands on others, always thinking they have enough in their own lives to deal with.

Needy? Hardly.

FLgardener · ‎12-15-2013

@hckynut --I may not have used the most articulate wording. I don't recall asking anyone for much of anything. In fact when my car was broken for a month I walked two miles with a backpack to the dollar store, not wanting to bother anyone.

The main thrust of my thoughts here is that we live in a grief avoiding society. A short time after bereavement, many people rush us along, unable to rationalize we who grieve don't jump right back into the flow of life. It doesn't mean we've lost our minds.