Re: Thanksgiving Invitation

drizzellla · ‎03-14-2010

Well, this is why I continue to invite my brother --------

A quote from his reply to me.

"I’m so sorry. I just saw this. Sorry for responding late."

"Thanks for asking. Of that I give thanks."

Tinkerbell3 · ‎03-10-2010

Pick up the phone and ask him! Just explain to him that you need to know in order to plan. I wouldn't complain that he stays for a few days though. If you want him to join you, then appreciate the visit! This is your brother & your niece.

You absolutely do need to tell him that you need to know his plans by Sunday (just a suggestion!) so that you are not inconvenienced last minute.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@Travone wrote:
I think as long as I was making a meal anyway, I would continue to invite him. I would ask him in advance how long he intended to stay so you could plan for it.

I would not cut him off. How would you feel if you did that and then found out he spent the holidays alone? That would devastate me.

I wouldn't cut him off either. But I certainly wouldn't ask him how long he intended to stay. He shouldn't get to call the shots to that extent.

Personally, I would have had a conversation with him a long time ago. No games, no stooping to a game-playing level. I would have explained my point of view honestly (in a phone call or face to face, not email). And then I would have set the parameters. The message should be that she'd love to have him join them, but he doesn't get to decide if he's staying over and for how many days. It's her house!

"I hope you'll come for dinner, and if you'd like to stay over until Sunday, that would be great. I need to know by _____ (whatever date)." Pleasant, but firm. Otherwise he's in full control, and that's not fair and not considerate. So I wouldn't stop inviting him, but I certainly wouldn't let him take control like this.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@ladyann45 wrote:
He is a grown man and he needs to think of you for inviting him all these years. I am the oldest of five and since my parents are both decease i do not send out invites. They are welcome to eat if they show up but to go out of my way to a person who do not care to say I am coming and leaving the daughter to be with her mother. You have spoiled the two of them and they no longer think they have to respond. As for you saying you would be devastated if he was alone for the holidays is a problem for him not ypu. If you were not alive he would eat somewhere else, just like he does any other time of the year.

Yes, and he has no way of knowing that what he's doing is a problem unless the OP speaks up. I'm not defending this man - at all! - but he's not going to change if what he's been doing all these years (the late reply, the staying over) has seemed to be okay.

A direct conversation is long overdue. Give him a chance to fix it. He can't fix it if he doesn't know it's broken, and honest communication is fair to everyone.

ECBG · ‎01-08-2011

The invitation is for a meal, not a paid vacation. People will only do what we allow them to.

I would call him and tell him the invitation is for dinner only and you won't be having them after.

I'm sure he doesn't bring anything.!

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@drizzellla Hope all went well for you today! I have thought about you and your situation, and hope you will let us know sometime how it went!

drizzellla · ‎03-14-2010

@Sooner wrote:
@drizzellla Hope all went well for you today! I have thought about you and your situation, and hope you will let us know sometime how it went!

What a wonderful Thanksgiving. My one brother already started his Christmas hours and could not make it. And my other brother. just found out earlier this week, his apartment building was sold. And the new owners are inspecting each apartment to see what upgrades or repairs they want to do. So they are going through the apartments thoroughly.

My brother has lived in this apartment for 8 years. So he suddenly is having to do a panic clean. He called me on Sunday evening to decline.

His daughter isn't coming back East until Christmas.

Sooner, hope you had an enjoyable Thanksgiving.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@drizzellla wrote:
@Sooner wrote:
@drizzellla Hope all went well for you today! I have thought about you and your situation, and hope you will let us know sometime how it went!

What a wonderful Thanksgiving. My one brother already started his Christmas hours and could not make it. And my other brother. just found out earlier this week, his apartment building was sold. And the new owners are inspecting each apartment to see what upgrades or repairs they want to do. So they are going through the apartments thoroughly.

My brother has lived in this apartment for 8 years. So he suddenly is having to do a panic clean. He called me on Sunday evening to decline.

His daughter isn't coming back East until Christmas.

Sooner, hope you had an enjoyable Thanksgiving.

@drizzellla I am so happy you enjoyed your day! And I hope in the future you can enjoy it by having it on your terms. You don't owe any particular day to your brothers, and can invite them when it isn't a strain for you, and when you are comfortable. Talk frankly to them about it and find where your comfort zone is.

Sometimes traditions need to change as our circumstances and health and energy levels change. No shame in that.

We had a wonderful quiet day too, not stressful and no cooking--just reheating! It was great!