Among Friends

[sfnative]

Hello Everyone,

My husband has stepped out for about 2 hours, so this is my chance to log on and read all the wonderful responses and advice from so many fantastic women on this board.  I can't begin to tell you what this means to me.  I have tears in my eyes.

A few bits of clarification: My husband is indeed father to my daughter.  My daughter and SIL have stepped up to the plate for me and have a tribe of friends who will as well.  My daughter's attorney got back to her on Friday with 3 ways to go re procuring the services of an attorney, 2 of which will take time.  So, I've decided that I'm going to seek the services of my daughter's Family attorney, whose fee for family and friends is $150/hr.  I know this will mount up quickly, but as many of you have stated, I must get going on this ASAP.

We have a townhouse in both our names and one car likewise.  However, I'm going to push for getting possession of the car, as I purchased it on my own, my credit rating, my money, when he was making $7/hr at a flunky job.  When we moved states at the time of retirement, he registered the car in his name only.  There he goes again controlling.  I was furious.  Just as I was with our Costco membership.  Never said a thing about renewing it without me.  Made sure we went yesterday and fixed that little bit of business.  Though my DD is at continuing ed this weekend, I texted her to find out if she had room in her basement for my stuff and she said she did.  That you Lord!  Trying to figure out a way to start moving stuff over there will be a challenge, as we are both retired and he keeps an eye on me and wants to know where I'm going or where I am every minute of every day.  Ugh!

As others express, who have been threatened, and yes I have been threatened, I procured a Smith & Wesson .38 Special and have an NRA rating of Expert Marksman.  Have worked to improve my skills in the last few years.  Please know I do not take this lightly.

I'm off to do some more sorting and ditching of things I can do without.

God bless you all for your kindness, prayers and good thoughts.

XXX

[pattypeep]

@sfnative God bless you and prayers for a safe journey.

[dooBdoo]

          Thank you for the update, @sfnative.    You mentioned organization...  you could use a new, concerted effort to organize and simplify as a guise.    Even place a few articles about organization and de-cluttering somewhere that your husband would see them, to show you're researching ways to do so at the same time you're moving things out.   A woman's support organization might be associated with a store that takes donations, and they might help you "pretend" you're giving them items and that you're also helping them sort, etc., to account for your time away?   Just brainstorming.    Continuing to pray for you.❤️

[Mominohio]

Prayers for you.

I don't think I have ever mentioned it on these boards  and few people in my life today know that I left an abusive marriage in my mid 20's. It was hard to admit I had failed. I failed to value myself and believe in me, but when I had enough I never looked back.

Try to remove as much important to you stuff without him noticing. Sentimental things and important papers as well. If you pretend you are purging and donating, you drop some of those important things with a friend or relative for now.

I too recommend a go bag packed and stashed, hopefully outside the house so you have a fwd thing if violence causes you to leave suddenly.

Most important is don't tip him off, and don't upset him right now. Try to keep things on as even a keep as possible.

Your safety first.

[missy1]

Depends where you live... many states everything is split 50/50 during the marriage. I would not of let him titled the car in his name only. (that's to late now) Don't even do searches on your computer of what "you are going to be doing", if you share a computer. Like I said get everything in place, and then serve him. Draw your share of the savings out. I hope you have your own bank account. Don't have paper statements, only online. Make sure you have recent financial of everything to show your attorney, Once he finds out, he will try to take everything. Good luck and stay safe.

[dooBdoo]

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missy1 wrote:

Depends where you live... many states everything is split 50/50 during the marriage. I would not of let him titled the car in his name only. (that's to late now)

Don't even do searches on your computer of what "you are going to be doing", if you share a computer.

Like I said get everything in place, and then serve him. Draw your share of the savings out. I hope you have your own bank account. Don't have paper statements, only online. Make sure you have recent financial of everything to show your attorney, Once he finds out, he will try to take everything. Good luck and stay safe.

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          So much good advice.   I wanted to highlight the part about computer searches.    If you share any devices or if he can access any of those you use, you must delete history/cookies/cache frequently to be sure he cannot see what you've been researching or reading.   In today's world, that electronic trail is one of the ways people spy on us to see what we're doing.

[YorkieonmyPillow]

@sfnative  Glad to hear you have a way to protect yourself, should the need arise.

You can take as long as you need with this - ease out, slowly, inconspicuously, so that hopefully one day he will turn around and you will already be gone. Don't say the D word.

I know how it feels. There are some people you just can't leave because they won't let you. They monitor you 24/7. Be as sneaky as possible.......

[Kachina624]

@sfnative  Call your local law enforcement agency, probably the sheriff's department, and ask if they can provide an escort while you move out.  You can then call a moving company and have all of your possessions removed at once.  Take everything you want as you probably won't get a second chance. 

[Bird mama]

@Kachina624  excellent idea.  That's what my neighbor who lives across the street did just as a safeguard.

[SeaMaiden]

@sfnative  I am so sorry🙁 But I understand where you are coming from. I hope everything goes smoothly for you. I hope he does not make it difficult once you are gone. This must be so hard for you. I hope your daughter will help you.