Among Friends

[RedTop]

Several years ago I was presented this type of situation with a casual friend as well.   I declined the invitation; it is one thing for us to get together for breakfast, lunch, or dinner, but I'm not interested in developing a couples friendship, and know my husband doesn't want drawn into my friendships as well.   For 43 years we have always had our own set of friends.   

[SaRina]

Even though this is just a casual friend, I understand how this still might make you feel like you're just not that important. I don't know a person alive who doesn't like to feel important. Personally, I wouldn't like to feel like I'm "on call" for a dinner date.

I would do exactly as @susankay suggests.

[VanSleepy]

I don't think this lady did anything wrong, and I don't think it's an excuse for her not really wanting to get together.  She said they *might* be able to make it but won't know for sure until the last minute.  If you didn't want to have to wait for a definite answer, you should have just chosen a new date in the first place.

[AngelPuppy1]

---

@Peaches McPhee wrote:

Could use some perspective from the group.  Another woman and I are casual friends; we decided to get together with our husbands for dinner.  The husbands have never met, nor have we met each other's husbands. After some emailing back and forth, we decided on a date . . . but the other lady added a caveat.  They might have to cancel.  Not for another social engagement, but because they may have a household task that weekend.  I don't want to say exactly what it is, but it is something that could take a whole weekend and is weather sensitive.  They won't know if they need to cancel until very close to the dinner date.  Like the day before.

This annoys me.  Why choose a date with the assumption that it may be cancelled?  Thoughts?

---

@Peaches McPhee

I don't like these kind of plans. I understand things come up and people have to cancel.  I would just say --- o.k. -- this doesn't sound like it's the best time, so how about you call me (or text or whatever you do) when a good time would be and we will firm up the plans then.  

[NYC Susan]

---

@Peaches McPhee wrote:

Could use some perspective from the group.  Another woman and I are casual friends; we decided to get together with our husbands for dinner.  The husbands have never met, nor have we met each other's husbands. After some emailing back and forth, we decided on a date . . . but the other lady added a caveat.  They might have to cancel.  Not for another social engagement, but because they may have a household task that weekend.  I don't want to say exactly what it is, but it is something that could take a whole weekend and is weather sensitive.  They won't know if they need to cancel until very close to the dinner date.  Like the day before.

This annoys me.  Why choose a date with the assumption that it may be cancelled?  Thoughts?

---

It would annoy me, too.

But I think that unless it was really inconvenient to do so, I would go along with it and see what happens.  You might end up going out and having a nice time.  If they cancel, and then pull the same thing next time, I would be far less inclined to make plans with them again.  So I guess I'm saying give them this one chance because it might end up being worthwhile.  

Personally, I'm a planner and it would bother me that this is so tentative, but I might try to roll with it just this one time.  If it bothers you so much that you really don't want to do that, then suggest that another date be chosen that definitely works for everyone.  Good luck!

[NYC Susan]

---

@fthunt wrote:

I say.....she needs an excuse to back out at the last time because she can't count on -or control her husband, who often refuses to go through with the plan - -.  It depends on his mood at the time.

---

I really doubt that's the situation.  If that's what the woman is dealing with, it's easy enough to call last-minute and say that either she or her husband are not feeling well and can't make it.  Why would she need a more elaborate excuse than that?

I've also never known the kind of man that you describe, so it sounds a little far-fetched to me.  

[NYC Susan]

---

@chickenbutt wrote:

I DO like that they are being honest.  For me, that says something and I appreciate it.

Maybe you can sort of plan it, if that doesn't mess you up, knowing this.  Then, if they have to do this thing, you can plan another time after that.

I don't know any of you, of course, but I feel like they do want to get together and it sounds like this other thing is pretty important and they probably don't have total control over when it has to happen, but they still want to try and plan a get together.

That's my take, anyway, FWIW.  

---

@chickenbutt, that's my take too.  I don't understand the posters who are saying the friend doesn't want to get together.  If that were the case, she wouldn't have chosen a date at all.  I think she & her husband do want to do this, but there's a potential conflict that is not entirely under their control, and they're just being upfront about that.

Why derail what could be a nice friendship for the four of them before it even gets started?  I think it's worthwhile to at least give it a chance.

[CANDLEQUEEN]

---

@fthunt wrote:

I say.....she needs an excuse to back out at the last time because she can't count on -or control her husband, who often refuses to go through with the plan - -.  It depends on his mood at the time.

---

I don't know why-but I am cracking up at your answer. You could be 100% right though, but reading it just struck me funny and I was sitting here cracking up!

[stevieb]

The bottom line is that if you have something better to do then do it. If not, then why not wait and see...

[occasionalrain]

The OP should trust her feelings; she's annoyed for a reason. Some posters must be desperate for friends that they are willing to be just a contingency. This was to be a first meeting of their husbands and first impressions matter. If the two couples were long term close friends this limbo situation would be more acceptable.