My daughter is hearbroken - Page 9

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

I know this seems hard, but this is the best possible time for something like this to occur. They haven't married yet, no kids, no big financial ties, and they didn't part on bad terms, just sad.

So many people think (know) they are heading down the wrong path but feel swept up in the process of settling down, and just don't have the courage to end or back off a relationship. I applaud them (him) for speaking up now.

There may be more reasons than he is willing to admit, more may come out later (not saying bad, just more about why), or they could eventually end up together.

It hurts when your kid hurts, but I try to make these kind of unsolicited painful experiences positive, and believe that they are for the best, and what is supposed to be.

She will heal. We all have been down some similar path (or worse) and we get through it. She will too. Just be there for her, and most of all encourage her not to 'fight for him' or 'beg him to stay' right now. They both need their space.

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

@sidsmom wrote:
"We both have not eaten or slept in the past few days."

I understand her connection, but why the strong reaction on the mother's end? Seems like a strong reaction for an 'once-removed'.

This is Life 101. We all have disappointments in love & life.
ETA: And I'm talking to Mom.

I really don't see the value in bashing a mom's honest reaction to her child being hurt.

Some people are more sensitive than others and it takes more time to 'get over' something like that.

stevieb · ‎03-10-2010

@Goldengate8361 wrote:
@Goldengate8361 wrote:
Ok. He's 24 and in a band.....really? Be very, very grateful that this ended! To me, he sounds like a Loser. He should be in Law school right now or at least starting his career after graduating college. Also, it's none of your business; its your daughters business. I know others might hammer me for my brutal honesty, but this is a board so I believe I should state the obvious to you.
I'd never hammer you for feeling the onus of this experience is on the daughter and not her mother... but to judge someone you don't know as a total loser for being 24, in a band and not in law school, well, that's a whole other level of judgment...

Yeap. It's called "good judgment."

If you say so...

Personally, I like to have a little more to go on. Judging a book by its cover is tempting, but doesn't always pan out...

In my pantry with my cupcakes...

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@Plaid Pants2 wrote:
Just because the guy broke up with the girl, doesn't mean that he's "playing the field".

Maybe he just wants to be alone right now, no relationships, no involvement, no attachements, no dates, no anything.

I agree. And I don't think that speculating about it is a good use of mother and daughter's energies. Rehashing and deciphering and hand-wringing are counter-productive.

He broke up with her. It's over. So now she has to learn how to deal with it and work her way through it because this is part of life.

I would like to see her abandon her "plan" for a little while, and not be looking to rush into another relationship, but I doubt very much that's going to happen.

Melania · ‎06-12-2013

@NYC Susan wrote:
@Plaid Pants2 wrote:
Just because the guy broke up with the girl, doesn't mean that he's "playing the field".

Maybe he just wants to be alone right now, no relationships, no involvement, no attachements, no dates, no anything.

I agree. And I don't think that speculating about it is a good use of mother and daughter's energies. Rehashing and deciphering and hand-wringing are counter-productive.

He broke up with her. It's over. So now she has to learn how to deal with it and work her way through it because this is part of life.

I would like to see her abandon her "plan" for a little while, and not be looking to rush into another relationship, but I doubt very much that's going to happen.

ITA with both of you.

Hi Susan, It's good to "see" you!

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@Trinity11 wrote:
Your daughter is an adult and although I understand your hurting when she hurts, be thankful she never married this immature man.

When a man really loves a woman absolutely nothing will keep him away. This boyfriend cannot commit...now your daughter is free to find a man who will be able to make her happy and share dreams of a lifetime.

So rejoice in the fact she found all of this out now and not 5 years from now.

I don't think that over-analyzing this guy makes a lot of sense because the fact is that the relationship is over, and the daughter now has to view her life in a different way, and move forward. That should be the focus.

However, I really disagree that he "can't commit". Why should he commit to her if he doesn't see a future with her? He very likely could commit to someone he wanted to commit to! He did the right thing by ending the relationship. And I don't see him as "immature" at all. In fact, I think he handled it in a very mature fashion. There are far easier and more cowardly ways to end a relationship, but he rose to the occasion and - as many posters here have said - it was quite impressive.

Yes, if a man loves a woman nothing will keep him away. Clearly, he didn't love her and doesn't want a future with her. In no way can I fault him for that. He has a right to happiness too.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@Mominohio wrote:
@sidsmom wrote:
"We both have not eaten or slept in the past few days."

I understand her connection, but why the strong reaction on the mother's end? Seems like a strong reaction for an 'once-removed'.

This is Life 101. We all have disappointments in love & life.
ETA: And I'm talking to Mom.
I really don't see the value in bashing a mom's honest reaction to her child being hurt.

Some people are more sensitive than others and it takes more time to 'get over' something like that.

She should be "sensitive" in private then. The role of a mother is to be helpful to a child, not to enable her feelings that the world is ending.

And the daughter is the one who needs time to get over something like this. Not the mother. As much as she may have had hopes for the future, it was not her relationship.

And also: She asked for advice.

Trinity11 · ‎11-16-2014

@NYC Susan wrote:
@Trinity11 wrote:
Your daughter is an adult and although I understand your hurting when she hurts, be thankful she never married this immature man.

When a man really loves a woman absolutely nothing will keep him away. This boyfriend cannot commit...now your daughter is free to find a man who will be able to make her happy and share dreams of a lifetime.

So rejoice in the fact she found all of this out now and not 5 years from now.
I don't think that over-analyzing this guy makes a lot of sense because the fact is that the relationship is over, and the daughter now has to view her life in a different way, and move forward. That should be the focus.

However, I really disagree that he "can't commit". Why should he commit to her if he doesn't see a future with her? He very likely could commit to someone he wanted to commit to! He did the right thing by ending the relationship. And I don't see him as "immature" at all. In fact, I think he handled it in a very mature fashion. There are far easier and more cowardly ways to end a relationship, but he rose to the occasion and - as many posters here have said - it was quite impressive.

Yes, if a man loves a woman nothing will keep him away. Clearly, he didn't love her and doesn't want a future with her. In no way can I fault him for that. He has a right to happiness too.
________________

My response was in reference to the fact that she thought he had the same goals in life as she did. They were planning a future together initially. Apparently, he changed his mind.

Anyway, I am from the Dinosaur Age when a man wanted a woman, he would move heaven and earth to be with her. What the OP's daughter's boyfriend did was "not making a commitment." Plenty of fish in the sea....she hopefully will meet a guy who won't go back on his word.

ECBG · ‎01-08-2011

@Mominohio wrote:
I know this seems hard, but this is the best possible time for something like this to occur. They haven't married yet, no kids, no big financial ties, and they didn't part on bad terms, just sad.

So many people think (know) they are heading down the wrong path but feel swept up in the process of settling down, and just don't have the courage to end or back off a relationship. I applaud them (him) for speaking up now.

There may be more reasons than he is willing to admit, more may come out later (not saying bad, just more about why), or they could eventually end up together.

It hurts when your kid hurts, but I try to make these kind of unsolicited painful experiences positive, and believe that they are for the best, and what is supposed to be.

She will heal. We all have been down some similar path (or worse) and we get through it. She will too. Just be there for her, and most of all encourage her not to 'fight for him' or 'beg him to stay' right now. They both need their space.

@MominohioVery well written@

Susan in California · ‎06-02-2014

Wow! This story is so familiar. My older son graduated from a very good university and figuatively handed me the diploma and then pursued rock and roll, his real passion.

His girlfriend of four years was expecting that they would be getting married. We were friends with the girlfriend's family, etc.

He did the breaking up for the exact same reason. He wasn't ready, and he didn't want to continue in the direction of marriage, which she expected.

This son ended up getting a good career (thank god!), but he still pursues music and is still in a band. He married a woman with a music major when he was in his mid thirties (she also has a good day job!--thank god), but they are very well suited still involved in his/their passion.

The years pass, and your daughter will do just fine. It is so hard to see our children get hurt. Whew!!!! It will take time.

My son's former girlfriend did just fine as well. She is happily married, and I'm sure my son is just a distant memory from her past.