Re: I am upset with my husband

Lilysmom · ‎03-09-2010

@Allegheny, I hope you get this sorted out. I am kind of in the camp that says invite them over to your place. After dinner, if he wants to make himself scarce while you discuss family matters, no big deal.

I have a somewhat similar thing going on for this Christmas. We normally have Christmas dinner with DH's brother and other extended family. The parents are all gone now. For the first time in ten years, my sister will be in town for Christmas. I let it be known early we will be having dinner with them. Brother in law is invited and extended family as well if they want to come. If not, so be it. I'm not negotiating this when it happens once in ten years😊.

Good luck. As others have said, you have to make up your mind about whether it's negotiable. LM

sfnative · ‎03-10-2010

@Allegheny

So glad you were able to have that talk. Hope things work out down the road.

***

On my Dad's side of the family, I never had a problem getting my husband going to family dinners/celebrations until my dear Grandfather passed away. My husband never said anything, but it was quite evident that he had really developed quite a warm relationship with my Grandfather and missed it so much that any family gathering was empty without him. Thereafter, he made excuses and I always went alone. No biggie, as I always had a great time.

hckynutjohn · ‎06-15-2015

@Allegheny wrote:
Ok, I just need to express some frustration I am having with my husband.

My cousin and his wife are in town visiting our aged uncle. They come about every four months to visit him. It is a 6 hour drive for them and they only stay the weekend.

Every time they are here they graciously invite us over to have dinner with them. It gives me an opportunity to talk in person with my cousin about my uncle. (My cousin has the POA & POP for our uncle, but I am the closest relative distance wise.)

Well the last four times they have been here, my husband has only accompanied me once. I find this embarassing and just plain rude. I don't think I am asking much of him to spend a couple of hours. And I am sure they feel his rejection. It is not just their invitations he rejects, he does this with invites from my other family members and I have an extremely small family (an uncle, one brother a nephew and three cousins).

What aggrevates me even more is that I am almost practically mandated to attend every one of his large family's functions, and they have many. If I tell him I really don't feel like going he gets an attitude and becomes argumentative.

This bugs me to no end, because it is like a double standard. I am expected to attend his functions because that is what the wife is supposed to do.

Thanks for letting me vent.

@Allegheny

As much as I love my wife? She has more cousins than men that were in my US Army Platoon, and same with uncles and aunts. My guess the count would be well over 100 of them. I went to a couple of their "get togethers", and even though I like people, it just is not the place for me.

I quit going to them years ago and when a cousin or other out of town relative comes to town, I prefer letting my wife catch up with all the goings on in each others lives without me.

Even though I don't remember many of their names, if I am around them? I am a talker and I really feel like some times I am inferring with them catching up with each other.

Now that is just "my explanation" and what "we" do. Every family has to work it out themselves. My wife and I many times compromise, but since my family consists of only 1 sister that lives in our city, my wife loves visiting with her. She has 10 acres with horses and she also is a big animal lover, so they even meet each other for lunch etc. sans myself. And that is fine with me.

Guess maybe this goes back to: "Woman are from Venus and Men are from Mars", or is it the other way around?

hckynut(john)

Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

Honestly, WHY do women think their husbands MUST go to every event they want to go to?

You're married to the guy, not joined at the hip! Perhaps you're more "social", but so what? Do you honestly want them to be miserable just to indulge you?

I don't think people should be dragged to events they don't want to attend. If you want to go ... then go. Don't turn it into a source of friction .... pick your battles carefully.

ladyroxanne · ‎03-09-2010

@qualitygal wrote:
OK, here is what I grew up with. Mom was loved, outgoing, had many may friends and family treasured her. Dad, never went to anything on either side of the family. It was only because of mom, that people visited them. One day she said, I'm not making excuses any more for him not going to family functions. She knew she had more fun seeing people anyway w/o him. Sometimes it may have been lonely to go on her own, but she did it!! I admired that. It was good for her. She did have more fun w/o him along. Who wants to drag a wet blanket along? She had a great sense of humor and got on with everyone. She was much loved. Talk about Frick and Frack. But that was that, they just made the best of it.

i have a friend who is in the same situation. she goes everywhere alone and even travels with friends and family. she is rarely home. she refuses to let him hold her down and be as miserable as he is.

NoelSeven · ‎03-09-2010

@Tinkrbl44 wrote:
Honestly, WHY do women think their husbands MUST go to every event they want to go to?

You're married to the guy, not joined at the hip! Perhaps you're more "social", but so what? Do you honestly want them to be miserable just to indulge you?

I don't think people should be dragged to events they don't want to attend. If you want to go ... then go. Don't turn it into a source of friction .... pick your battles carefully.

********************************

Normally I'd agree with that, but this is a different situation imo.

If he demands she attend HIS family gatherings, he is, imo, obligated to attend hers.

A Thrill Of Hope The Weary World Rejoices

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

Venting is good, if it makes you feel better. You must know that your husband isn't totally at fault. It sounds like you have been married for a while and the situation with your families has always been the way it is. He avoids yours and you plaster a smile on your face and happily go to all of his family functions. You might grumble a little but you always go. He doesn't even know how upset you are about this. You probably haven't asked him why he avoid your family. He might have some valid reasons for it. If it's all gloom and doom and the conversation is all about your sick old uncle, if he has no connection or relationship to any of them, if you just want him sit there while you talk about things that don't concern; it makes sense that he would decline such an invitation. You are married but you are still individuals. Explain how you feel, ask him to go with you to those dinners and if he goes lighten things up and make sure he is included in the conversation. If he refuses go with you, make peace with his decision. After all this time, your cousin doesn't expect him anyway. And then take a page from hubby' s book. If you want to skip some of his family's events, feel free to do so. He will have no reason to complain.

Allegheny · ‎03-19-2010

@Tinkrbl44 wrote:
Honestly, WHY do women think their husbands MUST go to every event they want to go to?

You're married to the guy, not joined at the hip! Perhaps you're more "social", but so what? Do you honestly want them to be miserable just to indulge you?

I don't think people should be dragged to events they don't want to attend. If you want to go ... then go. Don't turn it into a source of friction .... pick your battles carefully.

@Tinkrbl44 Now if only your would have said "WHY do men think their wives MUST go to every event they want to go to"you would have a picture of what is going on in our situation. Being single until the age 40, I am accustomed to attending many events by myself. But we are a couple and I feel it is unfair of him to have expectations of me that he doesn't apply to himself. I do what I want to do regardless if he goes, But if I tell him I don't care to go to the umpteenth graduation party for another third nephew I get grief; so I make food, go and enjoy his families company. Or if I hesitate at going to the funeral of one of old buddies (who I never met), then he gets an attitude. So in other words, he expects me to accompany him to all his functions with glee but doesn't afford me the same consideration. This is something I am not going to change, it is the way it is. I just hope to get him to understand how I feel.

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

@Tinkrbl44 wrote:
Honestly, WHY do women think their husbands MUST go to every event they want to go to?

You're married to the guy, not joined at the hip! Perhaps you're more "social", but so what? Do you honestly want them to be miserable just to indulge you?

I don't think people should be dragged to events they don't want to attend. If you want to go ... then go. Don't turn it into a source of friction .... pick your battles carefully.

Well said. I've been gloriously married foe 33 years and that's the way we roll. We are a couple but we aren't glued to each other. We respect and accept that we are individuals and as such, we aren't required to accompany each other to all events and social occasions. I'd rather have a happy hubby waiting for me at home than miserable, resentful one sitting beside me at dinner....lol