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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,201
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@Sooner wrote:

Before we blame too much on the son, I am going to add that among my friends, I can't think of any whose in-laws go on trips together, both families.  

 

.....


@Sooner  Whose to say about family dynamics!

 

What I can say is that my Son-I-L has asked me numerous times to go on family outings and trips to every state in the union! Never w/ his dear mother. (Who live relatively close by.)

 

Maybe because the mother knows the son all too well....and here I come along as the in-law....   Sometimes I got the impression he was trying to impress me, or please me somehow..... I do not know. And of course, I have a close relationship w/ my daughter.

 

In my brother's case, he was always doing things with his MIL, and not our mother! But he was one to pretend he hated his MIL and cracked every MIL joke there ever was! And she cracked back! There was never banter between him and our mother.

 

But I agree with what you wrote to @Lucky Charm .

 

 

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 32,880
Registered: ‎05-17-2010

@Lucky Charm wrote:

@Shanus wrote:

@Lucky Charm wrote:

I guess the part of the OP that would really sting me, is that the son divulged that 'they talked about it and decided to just keep it just her family'.  Ouch.

 

No reason a son can't understand that his mother has feelings unless he's heartless.  Seriously.

 

Has absolutely nothing to do with him choosing his wife over his mother or his mother over his wife.  That's not the case at all.

 

Unless the wife (DIL) doesn't like the mother in law -- you would think she would know the hurt being caused to her husband's own mother.  (Of course, she does!)

 

I'm not talking about this particular situation, I'm talking in general.


@Lucky Charm   I've learned the hard way that taking it  out on your son or daughter or spouses just makes things worse. The last thing to do is be confrontational. 

 

Whatever her son is or is not feeling or whatever part the DIL or her mother feels should not be adressed. Time out is called for until everything settles down.


@Shanus 

 

No, I didn't advise her to say or do or even hint anything to her son or her DIL.

 

I'm just saying that looking from the outside in, the son doesn't seem to think his mother has hurt feelings or he's ignoring/ignorant or--- it doesn't matter to him.  

 

He has no problem telling her, nope we discussed and you're not invited.

 

Seems like a heartless man.  To me.

 

 


@Lucky Charm  You're correct, but for OP to make an issue of it now may open up a can of worms and make the situation worse. This may be a discussion to have w/ just the son at a later date and see what's up. Sounds like he's he being led around by the nose, if you know what I mean.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 32,880
Registered: ‎05-17-2010

@Lucky Charm wrote:

@Sooner wrote:

Before we blame too much on the son, I am going to add that among my friends, I can't think of any whose in-laws go on trips together, both families.  

 

Not that they hate one another or anything, but that they just aren't really as comfortable with the others along as they would be with "just family." 

 

Maybe if that's the case, the son simply was thinking that and assumed his mom would understand or feel that way.  Is it the case that the DIL's family travels more, or just wanted a trip without others to be with her kids?  

 

Am I missing something here.  


I think you are missing something here @Sooner 

 

Why would her son think it's okay to go away with his mother in law all the time, but never once ask his own mother?

 

 


@Lucky Charm ....because the wife may be calling the shots?

Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,260
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@Janey2 wrote:

I was thinking....I never take part in family "outings" when my son's in laws are there. I only see them if there is a party for one of my grandchildren. We all get along fine, it is just how it is. I do not mean to be rude but why do you think you think you must be included in all their family gatherings? I hope I did not hurt your feelings it is just how I feel. 


 

I think OP was saying she is always excluded, not just excluded in some things. If it was just some things, I doubt OP would care - I know I wouldn't. I know how it feels to not be invited or included in anything by an adult child. And it hurts. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,083
Registered: ‎10-04-2010

If I had coffee with you, as a good friend, and you told me all that, I'd say back up some. They aren't being fair to you.  Like that saying goes, unless you change something, you're going to have the same results.  Devote more time to you, pamper you, get some friend to go somewhere with you, and they can either come to you, or you'll see clearly where you stand with them.  Life at this time is too short.  Sorry it would mean you're cut off, but I think they've already done that to you. As a friend,  I say, make it "your time" and make it the best you can.  But that's just me.  Let's hope they come to their senses very soon.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,995
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

I feel some are missing her point, this is her son not being asked is the hurtful problem,telling her to do something with a friend,is not going to make up what the hurt her son is doing.

When you lose some one you L~O~V~E, that Memory of them, becomes a TREASURE.
Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,341
Registered: ‎04-04-2015

If it really is the situation that your DIL and or her mother don't want to include you, you are actually better off not going than going and being told in a lot of little ways that you really are not welcome.

 

Crashing the party is never a good time.

 

I agree it is sad and you have every right to be hurt, but if your son is fine with it, there is little you can do - other than -as some have suggested - to live your own life and travel on your own or with friends.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 32,308
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@Harpa wrote:

@Sooner wrote:

Before we blame too much on the son, I am going to add that among my friends, I can't think of any whose in-laws go on trips together, both families.  

 

.....


@Sooner  Whose to say about family dynamics!

 

What I can say is that my Son-I-L has asked me numerous times to go on family outings and trips to every state in the union! Never w/ his dear mother. (Who live relatively close by.)

 

Maybe because the mother knows the son all too well....and here I come along as the in-law....   Sometimes I got the impression he was trying to impress me, or please me somehow..... I do not know. And of course, I have a close relationship w/ my daughter.

 

In my brother's case, he was always doing things with his MIL, and not our mother! But he was one to pretend he hated his MIL and cracked every MIL joke there ever was! And she cracked back! There was never banter between him and our mother.

 

But I agree with what you wrote to @Lucky Charm .

 

 

 

 


@Harpa You are so right.  Especially at the holidays we tend to see family dynamics in a rosy glow when that's not always the case.  

 

And while we would love for it to be true, I believe that to make a relationship better you have to look at the reality and go from there.  Acting on what "ought to be" will get you in deeper trouble almost every time.  As an old lady, I can say I have learned that the hard way.  

 

And I also believe that taking even small steps to mend fences and develop a relationship outdoes feeling bad about it most often. 

Regular Contributor
Posts: 205
Registered: ‎09-22-2019

@Calcgirl  I think you should have a talk with your son.  Ask him why you are not included.  Maybe there is a problem that can be corrected.  But, it may have to do with the MIL paying or that the MIL is very territorial.  When so many people are involved, there could be a number of reasons.

Also, keeping yourself busy with your interests, joining clubs, entertaining friends is important.  We cannot control if our children include us so we need other interests to focus on.

I hope it helps to know that so many of us experience your situation, if not all the time, at various times.  I've decided I can't control the situation, but I can control not giving it my energy.  If my mind starts to wander down that road, I just tell myself to STOP and find an activity.  Many times it helps just to come to these boards and realize there are others going through similar situations.  Wishing you peace.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,818
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@Sooner  @Harpa   I didn't advise OP to do or say anything to her son or her DIL.

 

I was just commenting on how hurt I would feel if my son told me that I was discussed about joining them at the college, but deciding not to invite me.

 

That is cold/heartless.  To ME.  I mean, how do you say that nicely to your mom?

 

If one of my sons or daughter said something like that to me, I'd probably burst out into tears.  Seriously.  I'm not trying to sound like a sap, but I would feel awful.  And I'm sure I would if I were widowed....and not cared about.

 

All I have to say about this.