Feeling Left Out - Page 7

manny2 · ‎05-24-2010

@stevieb wrote:
@RollTide2008 wrote:
@Shanus wrote:
@Calcgirl One last thought....Children, grown or teens, do not have the same respect (for the most part) as we all did for our parents and grandparents. We knew and thought about their feelings. It was expected and we never questioned that.

I think they're "too busy", too stressed, too influeneced by other things to put the important emotions in the forefront. Let it go for now.

Although it can hurtful, they usually come around and I'm positive everything will work out for you in time. 💕

Or the younger generations are better at setting boundaries. My grandparents very obviously preferred my mother's sister's children over me. My mother was all about putting up and shutting up. My mother has a real preference for my brother's kids. I decline to celebrate holidays and birthdays with them. I'm more willing to spare my child's feelings than my mother's. It's a boundary, not a lack of consideration.

I suspect there's a reason for OP to be excluded but we only know her side of the story.
If there are legitimate reasons to set boundaries that makes a very big difference. If it's simply a matter of preference but without any significant foundation, then there is a place for showing at least a modicum of consideration.

We are not here to worry about two sides to the story. We are here to allow the OP to vent and tell us her story.

We are on a discussion board so we have to accept what she says as truth and go from there.

BoopOMatic · ‎06-08-2021

I probably wouldn't say anything to either of them, as they will likely go on the defensive.

Personally, I would probably pull back, and stop expecting/hoping to do as much with them.

I would be hurt and offended at this blatant rudeness and I would respond to it by being a little less available.

Some people are just rude and thoughtless.

ETA: I think the kicker for me would be the fact that the OP has always treated her DIL's children as her own grandchildren ---- then to be told "it's just family" is disgusting and shows a complete lack of self-awareness (or just plain cruelty) of these two. I'd be mad as H.

Lucky Charm · ‎03-09-2010

@chrystaltree wrote:
I know it hurts and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Painful though it is, my advice is to say NOTHING about this to them. You can't change thee situation because it isn't about you. You haven't done or said anything to offend them. Your daughter in law is closer to her own mother, her mother is viewed as close family so they include her in everything. Your daughter in law sees you more as extended family or a distant relative. You can't change that and your son cannot change that. In most families the wife controls such matters. You have a relationship with your grandchildren and you don't want to put that at risk by antagonizing their mother or the other grandmother. Accept the way things are and make the most of the times you are with the grandchildren. Make those times fun and special.

Totally disagree.

What just because you have sons----now a mother is extended family? No way.

I wasn't *wild* about my MIL and she wasn't *wild* about me. But I would never try to keep her at arms length away from my husband, our children, our grandchildren. I'm not a witch....

'In most families the wife controls such matters.' WTH?

Maybe in yours, but then I'd feel very sorry for your sons in law.

As someone else said upthread, how a man treats his mother is very important. And I agree.

Lucky Charm · ‎03-09-2010

@Shanus wrote:
@Lucky Charm wrote:
I guess the part of the OP that would really sting me, is that the son divulged that 'they talked about it and decided to just keep it just her family'. Ouch.

No reason a son can't understand that his mother has feelings unless he's heartless. Seriously.

Has absolutely nothing to do with him choosing his wife over his mother or his mother over his wife. That's not the case at all.

Unless the wife (DIL) doesn't like the mother in law -- you would think she would know the hurt being caused to her husband's own mother. (Of course, she does!)

I'm not talking about this particular situation, I'm talking in general.
@Lucky Charm I've learned the hard way that taking it out on your son or daughter or spouses just makes things worse. The last thing to do is be confrontational.

Whatever her son is or is not feeling or whatever part the DIL or her mother feels should not be adressed. Time out is called for until everything settles down.

@Shanus

No, I didn't advise her to say or do or even hint anything to her son or her DIL.

I'm just saying that looking from the outside in, the son doesn't seem to think his mother has hurt feelings or he's ignoring/ignorant or--- it doesn't matter to him.

He has no problem telling her, nope we discussed and you're not invited.

Seems like a heartless man. To me.

SurferWife · ‎12-12-2010

@Calcgirl

This makes me sad for you. I would say keep loving them as you always have. Love is a much better path to take than bitterness or resentment. It's hard to shrug something off that seems so blatant, but try not to let it overtake you.

Time is just a drop in the bucket compared to eternity. It isn’t how long you live that matters; it is how well you are prepared to die. ~~Colonel Robert B. Thieme, Jr.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

Before we blame too much on the son, I am going to add that among my friends, I can't think of any whose in-laws go on trips together, both families.

Not that they hate one another or anything, but that they just aren't really as comfortable with the others along as they would be with "just family."

Maybe if that's the case, the son simply was thinking that and assumed his mom would understand or feel that way. Is it the case that the DIL's family travels more, or just wanted a trip without others to be with her kids?

Am I missing something here.

Lucky Charm · ‎03-09-2010

@Sooner wrote:
Before we blame too much on the son, I am going to add that among my friends, I can't think of any whose in-laws go on trips together, both families.

Not that they hate one another or anything, but that they just aren't really as comfortable with the others along as they would be with "just family."

Maybe if that's the case, the son simply was thinking that and assumed his mom would understand or feel that way. Is it the case that the DIL's family travels more, or just wanted a trip without others to be with her kids?

Am I missing something here.

I think you are missing something here @Sooner

Why would her son think it's okay to go away with his mother in law all the time, but never once ask his own mother?

LuvSoCal · ‎07-18-2010

@Calcgirl You are totally justified in feeling hurt and excluded. You expressed your desire to participate in the trip and did not get a positive response. Personally, I would drop it. You made your feelings known.

Maybe, you could put together a care package for your granddaughter and ask your son to please deliver it for you.

You said you are active so please get out and get involved with others. I know it's not the same as family but it's better than spending time alone.

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

@Calcgirl
I truly understand your feeling of being left out of this family event, but if you have been excluded from vacations and other events, I would not be expecting any invitations at this point.

If you have a good relationship with your step grandchildren and are involved in their lives, step up your communication with them, call, text, send cards, extend invitations for them to visit you for one on one time, work towards visiting your granddaughter at college if that is feasible, but don't shed tears over not being asked to tag along. I would never want to be the tag along Grandma; be the Grandma who can make things happen on her own!

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@Lucky Charm wrote:
@Sooner wrote:
Before we blame too much on the son, I am going to add that among my friends, I can't think of any whose in-laws go on trips together, both families.

Not that they hate one another or anything, but that they just aren't really as comfortable with the others along as they would be with "just family."

Maybe if that's the case, the son simply was thinking that and assumed his mom would understand or feel that way. Is it the case that the DIL's family travels more, or just wanted a trip without others to be with her kids?

Am I missing something here.
I think you are missing something here @Sooner

Why would her son think it's okay to go away with his mother in law all the time, but never once ask his own mother?

@Lucky Charm Maybe his wife is not comfortable with his mother, maybe the wife and mother travel more, maybe the kid in school doesn't want that many people coming to campus at once, lots of possible reasons.

Whatever the reason is, his mother holding him accountable isn't going to make anything better for any of them. His mother could, however, try to arrange some visits, trips and times to be with them that would make her feel better.

But to demand equal treatment isn't going to make it better. What would you do? Demand they not go, make them take you, be mad if they don't? I'm not saying what is right or fair, just what is reality,