Feeling Left Out - Page 9

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@Lucky Charm wrote:
@Sooner  @Harpa I didn't advise OP to do or say anything to her son or her DIL.

I was just commenting on how hurt I would feel if my son told me that I was discussed about joining them at the college, but deciding not to invite me.

That is cold/heartless. To ME.  I mean, how do you say that nicely to your mom?

If one of my sons or daughter said something like that to me, I'd probably burst out into tears. Seriously. I'm not trying to sound like a sap, but I would feel awful. And I'm sure I would if I were widowed....and not cared about.

All I have to say about this.

@Lucky Charm My point is that not all families have a good parent/child relationship, and especially when in-laws are concerned. We can't project on how people feel about any relatives or what the issues between them are.

And we don't ever know the whole story on here. We are talking about people and situations we don't know. Some are a lot closer than others, some are more comfortable than others.

That was my point and I'm sorry it wasn't clear.

hckynutjohn · ‎06-15-2015

@River Song wrote:
@Grace729 wrote:
This may sound different yet see if you can not make anyone wrong, yourself or the others. Allow. Allow the hurt to be there without the addition of a story. Feeling left out is different than I am being left out. Acceptance of what is transforms. Resistance creates persistence. Acceptance doesn't mean you do nothing it just allows rather than forcing a solution. I have been taught what is in my way is the way. Make friends with it and the form of it will change. You are not what is happening you are the space in which everything happens. Observe the feelings then without thought, labels, interpretations and this to shall pass. Be gentle with you
New Age psycho-babble. I am widowed and this type of rambling nonsense cloaked as 'advice' is not helpful.

@River Song

I read this post by @Grace729 twice and still have no idea the point of all the words used. Maybe this is some journalistic jargon that is way over my head, but none of it said anything to me. It seemed to me like someone at a starting point, throwing in a lot of words, and doing a 360°, ending up where they started.

I have read many thousands of posts here over a couple decades now. This one used a lot of words, along with what I see as cliches, which said nothing to me.

hckynut(john)🥅🏒 🇺🇸

hckynut(john)

occasionalrain · ‎03-10-2010

We don't know why the OP isn't included, and nether does she. I believe it's past time for her son to tell her. Now, it seems the DIL is blamed for her exclusion, but what if it's the grandchild, the MIL, or even her son? Does her son ever take his mother to lunch? Does he call her, spend any time with just her? I don't think she would be so disappointed if he did.

Danky2 · ‎08-15-2022

@Grace729 wrote:
This may sound different yet see if you can not make anyone wrong, yourself or the others. Allow. Allow the hurt to be there without the addition of a story. Feeling left out is different than I am being left out. Acceptance of what is transforms. Resistance creates persistence. Acceptance doesn't mean you do nothing it just allows rather than forcing a solution. I have been taught what is in my way is the way. Make friends with it and the form of it will change. You are not what is happening you are the space in which everything happens. Observe the feelings then without thought, labels, interpretations and this to shall pass. Be gentle with you

I am going to puke ! These people who have no knowledge of the workings of the human mind, give out this kind of dribble......

Isobel Archer · ‎04-04-2015

@River Song wrote:
@Grace729 wrote:
This may sound different yet see if you can not make anyone wrong, yourself or the others. Allow. Allow the hurt to be there without the addition of a story. Feeling left out is different than I am being left out. Acceptance of what is transforms. Resistance creates persistence. Acceptance doesn't mean you do nothing it just allows rather than forcing a solution. I have been taught what is in my way is the way. Make friends with it and the form of it will change. You are not what is happening you are the space in which everything happens. Observe the feelings then without thought, labels, interpretations and this to shall pass. Be gentle with you
New Age psycho-babble. I am widowed and this type of rambling nonsense cloaked as 'advice' is not helpful.

Actually it can be very helpful. Face reality. Yes being left out hurts. Go ahead and acknowledge that. But if you don't know the reason, don't make one up and then dwell on it, thus making yourself more miserable.

If it helps to discuss it to get the real reason, do it. But finally, whatever you do, accept the reality of the situation and move on. Find other things/activities/people to spend time on/with and make yourself happy. If you insist that someone change to make you happy, you never will be.

hckynutjohn · ‎06-15-2015

@Isobel Archer wrote:
@River Song wrote:
@Grace729 wrote:
This may sound different yet see if you can not make anyone wrong, yourself or the others. Allow. Allow the hurt to be there without the addition of a story. Feeling left out is different than I am being left out. Acceptance of what is transforms. Resistance creates persistence. Acceptance doesn't mean you do nothing it just allows rather than forcing a solution. I have been taught what is in my way is the way. Make friends with it and the form of it will change. You are not what is happening you are the space in which everything happens. Observe the feelings then without thought, labels, interpretations and this to shall pass. Be gentle with you
New Age psycho-babble. I am widowed and this type of rambling nonsense cloaked as 'advice' is not helpful.

Actually it can be very helpful. Face reality. Yes being left out hurts. Go ahead and acknowledge that. But if you don't know the reason, don't make one up and then dwell on it, thus making yourself more miserable.

If it helps to discuss it to get the real reason, do it. But finally, whatever you do, accept the reality of the situation and move on. Find other things/activities/people to spend time on/with and make yourself happy. If you insist that someone change to make you happy, you never will be.

@Isobel Archer

I agree. Some unfortunately live their lives expecting, even blaming others, for their unhappiness. If I am not happy, the one responsible, I see when I look in a mirror.

Everyone's lives are different, both good and bad. Expecting others to make your life happy! Not many :-)'s will be in it.

hckynut 🇺🇸

hckynut(john)

Group 5 minus 1 · ‎03-11-2010

@hckynutjohn Just read your post. You are correct,sir!!

qualitygal · ‎10-04-2010

@Harpa wrote:
@Sooner wrote:
Before we blame too much on the son, I am going to add that among my friends, I can't think of any whose in-laws go on trips together, both families.

.....
@Sooner Whose to say about family dynamics!

What I can say is that my Son-I-L has asked me numerous times to go on family outings and trips to every state in the union! Never w/ his dear mother. (Who live relatively close by.)

Maybe because the mother knows the son all too well....and here I come along as the in-law.... Sometimes I got the impression he was trying to impress me, or please me somehow..... I do not know. And of course, I have a close relationship w/ my daughter.

In my brother's case, he was always doing things with his MIL, and not our mother! But he was one to pretend he hated his MIL and cracked every MIL joke there ever was! And she cracked back! There was never banter between him and our mother.

But I agree with what you wrote to @Lucky Charm .

@Harpa wrote:
@Sooner wrote:
Before we blame too much on the son, I am going to add that among my friends, I can't think of any whose in-laws go on trips together, both families.

...

When our son was born my in-laws came to Phoenix to see our son. My mom came with them. All great folks, I have to say. My dad never much eft his chair at home. Thank heavens. It was a great visit. I had almost missed that. (Dad stayed home.)

But that, was a one time thing.

Calcgirl · ‎03-10-2010

@Trinity11 wrote:
Reading between the lines, it sounds like your DIL's mom is probably paying for these vacations. I bet your son may not want you there because he may possibly prefer you not knowing their finances...

Actually, they pay for her airfare and accommadations. My son and his wife are financially well of and make well above average income. I have never asked for anything from them but my DIL purchased a condo for her mother although her mother has money on fer own. I don't mind, her money, her decision. I am far too proud to ask for help. My DIL also did not want my son's two college children to live with them. Although she never came out and said it, her actions made them uncomfortable and my son got them apartments to rent. My grandchildren are decent not party animals and respectful, so that was not the problem. They have graduated college and have great lives. I believe my DIL wants her family to be number one. She invites them for dinner. etc, but leaves my son's children left out. He sees them on his own, as he does me. My son is a gentle person and I don't think he knows how to stand up to my DIL. Kitty whipped. LOL.

Calcgirl · ‎03-10-2010

@jubilant wrote:
@Calcgirl Something I just thought about. If they did invite you , after you told them how you felt...wouldn't you feel like they only did it because they felt they had to? I know, I would. Personally, under those circumstances, I don't think I could enjoy myself. I would want to know they did it because they wanted me and not out of pity. It's not wrong to feel the hurt in a situation like this but, to me, I would not want to go where I was not invited.

I agree, which is why I don't bring it up to them. I don't want to go somehwhere I am not wanted.