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Honored Contributor
Posts: 14,156
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

I guess the part of the OP that would really sting me, is that the son divulged that 'they talked about it and decided to just keep it just her family'.  Ouch.

 

No reason a son can't understand that his mother has feelings unless he's heartless.  Seriously.

 

Has absolutely nothing to do with him choosing his wife over his mother or his mother over his wife.  That's not the case at all.

 

Unless the wife (DIL) doesn't like the mother in law -- you would think she would know the hurt being caused to her husband's own mother.  (Of course, she does!)

 

I'm not talking about this particular situation, I'm talking in general.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 66,306
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@Lucky Charm wrote:

I guess the part of the OP that would really sting me, is that the son divulged that 'they talked about it and decided to just keep it just her family'.  Ouch.

 

No reason a son can't understand that his mother has feelings unless he's heartless.  Seriously.

 

Has absolutely nothing to do with him choosing his wife over his mother or his mother over his wife.  That's not the case at all.

 

Unless the wife (DIL) doesn't like the mother in law -- you would think she would know the hurt being caused to her husband's own mother.  (Of course, she does!)

 

I'm not talking about this particular situation, I'm talking in general.


@Lucky Charm  I agree with you. That 'we talked about it and decided to keep it just her family' would really rankle and I'm not sure I could continue to be the nice or positive variable in this equation unless there's something to which we (and possibly the OP) aren't privy. I also agree with whoever suggested asking a few questions isn't out of line. At the end of the day, they're clealry going to do what they want to do, but @Calcgirl at least deserves some understanding of why things stand as they do. 


In my pantry with my cupcakes...
Honored Contributor
Posts: 34,864
Registered: ‎05-17-2010

@Lucky Charm wrote:

I guess the part of the OP that would really sting me, is that the son divulged that 'they talked about it and decided to just keep it just her family'.  Ouch.

 

No reason a son can't understand that his mother has feelings unless he's heartless.  Seriously.

 

Has absolutely nothing to do with him choosing his wife over his mother or his mother over his wife.  That's not the case at all.

 

Unless the wife (DIL) doesn't like the mother in law -- you would think she would know the hurt being caused to her husband's own mother.  (Of course, she does!)

 

I'm not talking about this particular situation, I'm talking in general.


@Lucky Charm   I've learned the hard way that taking it  out on your son or daughter or spouses just makes things worse. The last thing to do is be confrontational. 

 

Whatever her son is or is not feeling or whatever part the DIL or her mother feels should not be adressed. Time out is called for until everything settles down.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,168
Registered: ‎05-08-2010

@Malcontent wrote:

@Calcgirl 

 

Your son said they talked about it and decided to keep it just family?

 

I’m confused as to who your son thinks you are if not family?

 

If this bothers you, talk directly to your son. Tell him that it’s hurtful the way he’s treating you. Be honest with him. He’s a big boy and the onus is on him to make it right.

 

Stop being a punching bag for your DIL and her mother.

 

 


No, @Malcontent, her son "said they talked about it and decided to keep it just her family."  Accuracy matters here,  So does tone.  This is a sensitive matter, and though you obviously mean well, it's important to get the facts straight and keep the manner calm. The OP needs support -- not to be ordered to "stop being a punching bag," which is insulting to her and the efforts she has already made to resolve this difficult situation.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 14,624
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

You've gotten a lot of good tips and suggstions.  I just want to say that I'm so sorry that you've been hurt by family.  It stinks and I understand.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 32,007
Registered: ‎05-10-2010

I know it hurts and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Painful though it is, my advice is to say NOTHING about this to them. You can't change thee situation because it isn't about you. You haven't done or said anything to offend them. Your daughter in law is closer to her own mother, her mother is viewed as close family  so they include her in everything. Your daughter in law sees you more as extended family or a distant relative. You can't change that and your son cannot change that. In most families the wife controls such matters. You have a relationship with your grandchildren and you don't want to put that at risk by antagonizing their mother or the other grandmother. Accept the way things are and make the most of the times you are with the grandchildren. Make those times fun and special.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,269
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

When we were in our 30s, 40s & 50s, it was all about us! What did we know about others' feelings? Even if you're the sensitive type.

 

I do not think our sons, daughters or in-laws understand what our [others'] feelings may or may not be. I just do not think it is part of the equation. Very few can empathize like that...yet.

 

 

 

I

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,799
Registered: ‎03-03-2011

I would speak to my son privately and tell him exactly how you feel. We cannot expect people to be mind readers and just know our feelings. Sunshine is the best disinfectant so SPEAK UP. He should know how much this hurts you. I would just be honest and tell him. Good luck!

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,241
Registered: ‎06-29-2015

I'm sorry about your situation, OP, and understand how you feel.

I've been in the same boat for many years regarding one of my sons.

 

When I truly learned to let it go & accept what is, is when I finally found peace.

 

As my good friend used to say "Stop going to the hardware store to buy milk. They don't carry it, never did, and never will."

 

Blessings to you! 

🙏

 

Muddling through...
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,450
Registered: ‎02-16-2019

If your close to your grandchild maybe just contact her and set up a day out, you could go get a hotel near the college and spend a day just you and her touring and shopping and lunch?  I am pretty close to my granddaughters and do this all the time but I am the mom of the daughter and I do think that makes a big difference.

 

However when we had young children we did a lot for my husbands mother, how could I love a man that didn't make his mother a priority, says a lot about a man.  My husband also was really good with my mother and would remind me it was time to call her, they both went on vacations with us, sometimes together.  They were both widows eventually and we always tried to teat them equally.  

 

Your DIL sounds like she isn't a very kind person sorry to say.

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