Among Friends

[decaf]

@isaboo  From reading your post I feel you're putting a lot of stress on yourself.

It sounds like you don't know the reason why separation started with your SIL. Are you sure you don't know what may have caused her to be so angry?

I would not go to your brother about this, it might alienate him too, he has no choice but to side with his wife,  And we all know most men aren't great with confrontation anyway.

Because it's been 8 years I only see two options, stay away or confront your SIL. You can have your own dinners, parties, holiday get togethers and memories. Or, second, email or call your SIL directly and tell her you want to speak with her in person, ask her to meet for lunch.  At a restaurant, a neutral place, not your home.

If you do meet, tell her you wish to clear the air, it's important, you're all family. That you want to apologize for offending her, but first you need to know what you're apologizing for!  Try to put yourself in her position as hard as that may be.

If she refuses to communicate,meet with you or accept your apology, you have no choice but to stay away.  I know it's easy to say that but, at least you'll know you were the bigger person for trying hard to resolve this, that alone should lessen the burden you're putting on yourself.  Continue to see your brother regardless, just don't dwell on talking about her.   JMHO

[spent2much]

@isaboo  You've gotten some good advice here.  All I can say is I've experienced some family problems in the last few years, also, and it's VERY hurtful and upsetting.  **hugs**

[Lilysmom1]

@isaboo , I believe you should talk to your brother and see if he can shed light on the issue.  He is the family connection here.  If he can give the reason and you think it appropriate you should apologize.  If he doesn't give you insight, I would simply find a new way to celebrate occasions with your own family.

I am at a stage in my life where I do what I want with people I want to be with and who enjoy my company.  I see no point is enduring uncomfortable situations.  Good luck seeking a reduction.  LM

[violann]

In our situation, the "glue" that had held the family together previous to the "rift", died, and since there was no longer a reason to enjoy the joint holidays, they abruptly stopped happening.

We later learned tha my niece and nephew were discouraged (threatened) from communicating with us.

Unless you have a fairly strong sense that your brother is unaware of what's happening, it may be that he is complicit with it. 

I'm grateful that this happened in our family after my father was gone. It would have broken his heart. As it is, we enjoy our holidays more without the question marks.

[phoenixbrd]

@isaboo   You already have your answer..  You offered an apology and no response was forthcoming.  Let if go....trust you intuition.  We can't control others. It may not be about "exclusion" or "intentionally" placing photos on Facebook...just a choice they have made about their family..  Put your energy where you are loved.  Practice acceptance, eight years is a long time to carry a burden.  Time to release and be grateful ....create a beautiful day for your family, maybe a picnic and a hike or a short trip and appreciate the love that you have with your husband and immediate family.  

[mimomof4]

I really think you are overthinking the entire situation.  Over time families do grow and change.  Were you ever extremely close to your sister in law??  Have your families consistantly gotten together for all occassions outside of Thanksgiving and Christmas?? I When you consider kids as they become college age and older their lives start to have different priorities.  If you only see your nieces on Thanksgiving and Christmas then I wouldn't expect a close relationship.  I would expect them to be polite which I imagine they are.  Your Sister in Law and nieces could also have more reserved quiet personalities such as myself.  Accept them as they are.and don't try to read into it that they don't like you or want you around because I would guess that isn't the case.  Everyone will not always get together on Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Families also need to learn to be flexible on these holidays as well.  Chances are that it won't be long and the Thanksgiving/Christmas holiday plans will change but it has nothing to do with anyone not liking you but they will decide to spend the holidays separately.  

[CelticCrafter]

My sister-in-law runs hot and cold and I've decided to stop trying to figure it out. 

I know in my heart that I've done and said nothing wrong, so whatever it is, it's her problem. 

Honestly, if it weren't for my husband I'd be done.

[RedTop]

I could've written this post, but from the position of the sister-in-law who wants to stop the tradition of an extended family gathering.   

For 37 years, my MIL insisted on the family gathering at her house at 4 p.m. on Christmas Day.  As our families grew, and the grandchildren aged, there were many challenges over the years, but my MIL flat out refused to be flexible in any way to the gathering.  It became a command performance, and was no longer an enjoyable time with family.   

My MIL died in the spring of 2011, and despite my SIL's yearly attempt to continue the holiday gathering, my husband and his older brother stopped attending in order to have time with our own families.  

It still makes me mad to think my girls were over 30 years old before being able to spend an entire Christmas Day in their own home.   

My husband's family all live within a 10 mile radius of each other, so they could've gathered before or after Christmas, but my MIL wanted to control everyone with the command performance on the 25th, so she could brag about it to her siblings.   No one remembers those gatherings as happy family moments.    

I think OP's SIL is more than ready for the shared holiday gatherings to end.   

[jackthebear]

OP

it is not you it is her,

sister's in law are thrown together with people they probably would not choose to be friends with, let her be

and your husband go to his sibling

families change over the years as kids get older 

[Sage04]

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@isaboo wrote:

This may be a little lengthy but I will try to shorten it.  I have a close family and we have always spent holidays together.  My brother and I have usually alternated hosting either Thanksgiving and Christmas. About 8 years ago I noticed my sister in law seemed to be distancing herself from me.  I thought I was imagining it at first but I wasn't.  I have apologized to her for what ever it was that have done but she never responds so I just kept acting like normal.  Fast forward their 2 daughters live out of town and come home with their families for about a week for the 4th of July.  They have a big day and evening with sister in laws family and some friends.  We are never invited which is ok I guess , but it is done to intentionally exclude us.  She makes sure she posts pictures on Facebook.  So, for the last 2 years my brother would host a Christmas Eve brunch to which her dad and new wife also attend.  My nieces have also gotten to where they have distanced themselves although, they are always polite.  My husband and I go (my son and his wife usually can't because he works).  I have already started stressing about Christmas because I don't want to be where I am not welcome yet I don't want to make it more of a problem.  My nieces make no effort to see or contact us when they come to town .  Any advice or insight would be appreciated!

@isaboo  are you usually invited to the Christmas Eve Brunch or do you just show up?  Is it an open invitation? I don´t understand why you apologize to her. Maybe the reason is because she doesn´t want to be around you or it could be your husband. I wouldn´t go and I would not ask my brother if he knows why she can´t stand you.  As long as it does not affect your relationship with your brother, just leave her alone. She´s not your flesh and blood.

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