Ending Friendships ...

mom2laxboyz · ‎03-18-2010

My dear penpal and I have recently ended a 50-year friendship. I think about it often, but I don't think it can be repaired. We "met" when we were both in elementary school and our teachers gave everyone in her class and mine names and addresses (she lives in England). Over the 50 years, we wrote constantly, called a few times, more recently Facebook, e-mail, and have met up on a trip with our husbands.

She and her husband "surprised me" with a ten-day visit a few months ago. It went horribly. I was mortified by her husband's constant nose-blowing into a hanky, and then he'd proceed to reach into a bag of chips, or pick through a bowl of fruit to find the right

piece .... let's just say cleanliness wasn't his forte. We don't wear shoes in our home, were raised like that, and even though we'd kick off our shoes when we entered the house, my penpal and her hubby wore theirs in the house, on my beige carpet, and left many stains. Let's just say that there were several things that they did that bothered us, and I'm certain there were things we did that bothered them.

After eight days, I asked if they could go to a motel. She was very hurt, but they left on the ninth day of their planned 10-day visit. When they left, there were all kinds of horrible messages from her large family about what rotten people we were. I have apologized to her and told her I didn't handle the visit well, but I was stressed not knowing they had planned this. She's never worked and her husband retired early in his 40s. They live "tight" but do visit a lot of people and stay with them.

I'd love to know what others thing of the situation. I've cried my eyes out, but after getting so much hate e-mail from her family, I don't think we'll ever be friends again.

Big Sister · ‎05-15-2010

How sad! I would have asked them to find a hotel for the first night. I can't believe anyone would come to my home as a surprise for ten days.

No, No, No. That's not how I operate or live my life.

You did the right thing and I know you will miss the friend you found through your letters, but that friend is not the one who lived in your home.

You will be fine. Consider it a friendship that could not or would not last forever, and move on. At some point you may be able to find the humor in all of this.

Her family is way out of line, also.

nana59 · ‎05-12-2012

A surprise 10-day visit?! No........I think that was very rude and imposing....Don't feel badly-you never really know someone until you live with them.....you have nothing to apologize for.....just let it go....and don't respond to any emails....

IMissSuperPoke · ‎10-02-2013

Nobody should invite themselves over for such a lengthy stay! They were very rude! I used to have a white-ish rug but finally had to give up because my family that came over had such a problem at being asked to remove their shoes. For the univited guests to not is beyond rude after imposing on you, well your well rid of them. I think they're terrible for giving out your email to family members to say mean things, unless that was FB then I'd unfriend them so their friends listed can't harass you further. Sorry that happened to you!

NicksmomESQ · ‎08-19-2014

I feel really bad for you.You did nothing wrong! Your pen pal has no right to show up at your door uninvited & announce that she & DH will be staying for 10 days.I would never have allowed her to stay one day!!

You had every right to ask her to leave.Your pen pal is inconsiderate & rude!! How dare her family send you hate mail!!

You should never have apologized. She owes you an apology. I think that unless she reaches out to you & apologizes you should move on.

This friendship has definitely run its course!!

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

I'm sorry this friendship you have had for so long seems gone, but in reality, it was long distance and when it came to being too long together, it really wasn't much of a friendship on her part.

I've never heard of a surprise visit from across the globe from someone you really barely know in person. That was a really terrible idea on their part, unless you had put out there sometime, an open invitation to do so.

I would have been very displeased with their behavior in your home too. I believe that when you are in someone else's home, you do as they do (take off shoes, honor their sleep schedule, meal schedule etc.) They were guest in your home, not paying for the convenience of a hotel to do as they please.

I would be sad like you are, but I'd never pursue this any further. It would seem like a lost cause, and I personally would never want to deal with them again. I would never forgive the whole family chiming in thing, as why and how did they all know about it anyway.

This couple comes off like a couple of freeloaders, and immature ones at that. You may not have handled the visit perfectly , but in all honesty, who would when surprised like this, and for that long.

My advice would be to unfriend everyone involved, change my email and phone number and move on. Ignore any attempts they make for further contact. There is something about them that is just not right.

freakygirl · ‎07-03-2014

i understand your hurt and sadness over the situation, but you don't just "surprise" people with a 10 day visit and stay in their home, and then behave in a disgusting and disrespectful way. even if you're family, you just don't do that. and then for their family to lambast you for treating them that way after putting up with their habits for 8 days! i'm sorry but there's nothing to feel bad about. it seems like they're free loaders and it's time you saw them for what they are. it's unfortunate that your friendship came to an end, and in a bad way, but good riddance. you don't need those kinds of "friends".

GenXmuse · ‎05-15-2016

You have every right to ask them to go to a hotel and she has every right to be upset. She feels how she feels, and you feel how you feel. Not much you can do unfortunately. So sorry that it soured though. Ending friendships are painful, especially one with so much history.

ZoetheCat · ‎11-30-2014

I am constantly amazed that people invite themselves to stay at other people's homes, surprise or not. I know this will make me sound antisocial, but my husband and I value our privacy to the point that we do not have anyone stay at our home, and we do not stay with others. In fact, we have a three bedroom home, but only one is actually set up as a bedroom. I would much rather pay for a hotel room than inconvenience someone. Obviously, in an emergency situation, we would (and have) invited people to stay over, but as a regular practice? No. We have even offered to pay for a hotel room if family members are visiting and can't afford one.

I know that we are probably in the minority as we have lots of family and friends who love to have people stay with them. I think that's great. We are just not comfortable doing that.

GCR18 · ‎07-03-2013

I don't think I'd be so hard on her. She likely thought it was going to be a great time and you would love seeing her. I think once you let them in and showed them to their room, you were officially the host. The first time they wore their shoes inside, I'd explain the house rules. When the husband handled the food, I'd leave it out for him. All other food, I'd keep in the closet. I'd serve the meals on the plates and tell them the kitchen is off limits, they are guests. Then I'd make the best of it.

You could write her, explain your feelings and take it from there.