Do you know anyone in this position?

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

My friend is having really tough time. She'd been out of touch since the Fall and I assumed she it was work, she has challenging job. Both our birthdays are in March so I sent her an email saying we should set up or Birthday lunch and she called ten minutes later. I know many women, men too who care for or look out for an elderly parent but my friend has a 75 year old mother and a 95 year old grandmother and as an only child, she's all they have. One has a multitude of health problems (she smoked most of her life) and the other is close to 100 and age is taking it's toll on her. Between the two women and their needs, my friend was forced to step down from the job she loved (and that paid well) into a less demanding position so that she could work just 4 days a week. So, she took a big pay cut. Her social life has also been affected. She didn't go on her yearly cruise with friends, her boyfriend went and wasn't thrilled that she didn't go. The old ladies won't use the cell phone she gave them even though she insisted that they take it with them when they leave the house. So, not once but twice last week when she took them to doctor's visits, they left before she arrived to pick them up and she couldn't find them and it was big time consuming mess. Which wouldn't have happened if they had that cell their phone with them. I got the idea that her mother is more of a problem than her grandmother. Cognitively, the mother seems to be slipping. The good part is the two women live together and while they are far from rich, money is not a problem. The bad part of that is they also are not eligible for most elderly services. They pay for someone to clean the once a week and that woman will do their shopping, if they give her the list and money but they either forget or just won't do it. Which means my friend has to do it. It made me think. How many other women....because it's almost always the women.....are juggling their own life and job and the care of a parent AND a grandparent? I listened and I felt so sad for her because this is not the life she thought she would have at 56.

Alison Wonderland · ‎02-05-2018

I know a few people in that or a similar situation from my caregivers support group for people with loved ones with dementia. One woman is caring for a parent with Alzheimer's and her husband has been diagnosed with dementia, as well. Others are caring for two parents with dementia.

Talk to your friend about getting help and a support group. Statistics show that thirty percent of caregivers die before the people they are caring for, in part because of stress and in part because of illness. Caregivers are often unable to care for their own health or see their own doctors because they are so engrossed in the care and wellness of their loved ones they don't have time to take care of themselves. Many suffer from depression and other illnesses. If your friend has had to quit her job and is cut off from her former social life, she may be at risk for depression and is likely feeling overwhelmed.

She may not be eligible for financial/medical help, but many counties have elder care resources or non-profits that may be able to help her in other ways. When we thought my mother had dementia but weren't sure what to do and her own doctor wasn't helpful, I went to the local Alzheimer's Association and a social worker there connected me to resources that helped us get her a diagnosis.

Maybe you can help your friend arrange for a caretaker to come stay with her family for a few hours while you take your friend to lunch and then out to speak to some people who may be able to help your friend. I attend a monthly support group from the local Alzheimer's group and a local church and have found it very helpful. My sister is the primary caretaker of my mother and I collect information and resources for her, since she can't get away to do it herself and they live in another state.

Nbo · ‎09-10-2019

My sister has a good friend who was the main caretaker. Her mother refused to go to a nursing home. She lived and worked in the Bronx in NYC, her mother lived in some part of Queens.Everyday she had to go after work and travel by bus and train to her moms house. She ended up getting divorce because her husband couldn't stand it anymore. Her mom passed away but now she is in ill health and alone. Her son is busy working and is living in another state. Her ex husband is now in a new relationship. He says he still loves her but she was so busy with her mother she forgot that he was around.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

That's somewhat a pretty typical story the OP told and it happens a lot. It's almost impossible to cope with. Some days you don't even know what to do.

Laura14 · ‎06-09-2014

I've done this and I am still doing it to a degree and I can tell you it does and will emotionally and mentally break you down but what else can you do if there is no one else? You just do.

I feel for your friend and I am trying to determine right now myself at what point do you wait it out for the inevitable and continue to sacrifice yourself and your own life vs. demanding they restructure their own lives and get some additional resources or independence which may and will alter their living situation and/or current level of comfort.

It's a tough call. I don't know what the answer ultimately is.

SeaMaiden · ‎03-10-2010

My feeling is that IF you choose to have kids....PLAN to be able to AFFORD to take care of yourself if needed as you age or whatever comes up. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR CHILDREN TO BE YOUR CARETAKERS.

If you have children with the idea YOUR CHILDREN WILL AUTOMATICALLY TAKE CARE OF YOU.... do not have children. Children are not caretakers...and should not be put in that role.

It seems that in today's world that is what has been happening. It is just wrong. Look at this poor woman who is giving up everything to tend to two elderly people. That is not her job. It is just a shame.

mimomof4 · ‎03-08-2018

We are not in an extreme of a position as your friend but we are in that Sandwich generation (I think that is what they call it). Hubby and I have 4 children at home while we have his 79 year old mother nearby. MIL, while not living with us, is still a constant source of worry for us - she has gotten lost driving a few times(which she has admitted to us but it could have happened more), fallen in her home and in public way more than she will admit but we can tell, she stays home and comes up with excuses to not meet up with friends (not that we really want her driving), she has been taken advantage of by companies she hired to do work for her, and she barely eats. Hubby calls her almost every day to see how she is doing. MIL has a cell phone but it is always in her purse and never turned on. We live near her so anytime she needs something done at her house - we have to run over and fix it. My kids do help her out as well but no one is driving age yet so hubby or I have to drive them over. I have 2 SIL who look after from afar and keep track of her bank accounts online. Funny thing is that the SILs do call my MIL every week but MIL claims she hasn't spoken to them in months.

Its enough to worry about my own kids but I worry about someone else who unfortanately I can't legally control. Its a difficult position to be in, we can't force MIL to do anything and she won't take any advice from us to make her life easier. Our worst fear is that she falls down the stairs in her home, hits her head on the marble floor in her foyer and we walk in and find her like that.

nana59 · ‎05-12-2012

sounds like your friend's mother and grandmother are very selfish....especially at their ages....wonder if either one of them were caretakers during their lives.....i've told my children i never want to be a burden.....just do what's best for everyone.....

Nonametoday · ‎03-09-2010

@SeaMaiden wrote:
My feeling is that IF you choose to have kids....PLAN to be able to AFFORD to take care of yourself if needed as you age or whatever comes up. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR CHILDREN TO BE YOUR CARETAKERS.

If you have children with the idea YOUR CHILDREN WILL AUTOMATICALLY TAKE CARE OF YOU.... do not have children. Children are not caretakers...and should not be put in that role.

It seems that in today's world that is what has been happening. It is just wrong. Look at this poor woman who is giving up everything to tend to two elderly people. That is not her job. It is just a shame.

@SeaMaiden

You are one of the last people I would want sitting on my jury.

CrazyDaisy · ‎03-20-2010

@SeaMaiden wrote:
My feeling is that IF you choose to have kids....PLAN to be able to AFFORD to take care of yourself if needed as you age or whatever comes up. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR CHILDREN TO BE YOUR CARETAKERS.

If you have children with the idea YOUR CHILDREN WILL AUTOMATICALLY TAKE CARE OF YOU.... do not have children. Children are not caretakers...and should not be put in that role.

It seems that in today's world that is what has been happening. It is just wrong. Look at this poor woman who is giving up everything to tend to two elderly people. That is not her job. It is just a shame.

So you are saying that children should just walk away and let their parents/grandparents fend for themselves? The children have feelings for the parents. As people age they need to be willing to compromise, that seems to be the constant stumbling block.

Someday, when scientists discover the center of the Universe....some people will be disappointed it is not them.