Among Friends

[lovesrecess]

One thing that might help is ordering their groceries and having them delivered or doing curbside pickup with either the mother or the person that has been shopping for them picking up the order. I have been in the position of caregiver and when you are the only one in the family who is willing or able to care for an elderly parent, it can be overwhelming. If money is not a problem, it sounds like having someone come during the day to just be there would be helpful. Wish there was an easy way to manage such a situation, but I don’t know of one.

[Tinkerbell3]

Yes, this is called life and it can very challenging. NO one "forced" her to quit her job. There are options out there; nursing home placement, home health aides/companions, etc., If money is tight, there is help through state/city agencies. 

As far as missing a cruise and this affecting her social life...I mean, yes...things happen. I don't think missing a cruise is the end of the world. This is HER mother & grandmother for goodness sake! 

Your friend should be meeting with a  geriatric care manager. 

You are making these women sound as though are a huge burden! They are older (75 isn't that old!) and require help.

MOST people will be in a similar position either as a caretaker OR as the person needing help!

My parents are in a $9k mos retirement community so I don't have to be concerned BUT, most people can't afford this. 

I have to say that you sound pretty critical. 

[Tinkerbell3]

The daughter didn't need to quit her job. This was HER choice. 

[Financialgrl]

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@depglass wrote:

I have given DD instructions to slap me in a nursing home if I get to the point of being unreasonable.  And that's no matter what I say at the time, what I say now goes.  

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@depglass   - My 3 sibs and I all participated in dad's care the last years of his life.  

I am single, no kids and as I was approaching 60 I began to think/make decisions to make life easier for me.  I moved to an over 55 community and had a 2 bed 2 bath one level home built - they do all our yardwork and all shoveling snow.   I told my sister the same thing you told your daughter - once I need more assistance than that, sell my assets and place me in assisted living/memory care.  

[CelticCrafter]

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@depglass wrote:

I have given DD instructions to slap me in a nursing home if I get to the point of being unreasonable.  And that's no matter what I say at the time, what I say now goes.  

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@depglass I tell my daughter the same thing.  Her father knows not to make her promise not to put me in a nursing home and I will never make her promise to me not to put her father in a nursing home.

I don't want her to give up or put her life on hold because she needs to take care of one or both of us.

[ECBG]

@chrystaltree Oh my!  That's some story!  I never had to do that having lost both of my parents before 35.  I do have a totally acidic step mother, and I closed that door years ago for self preservation.

I might suggest she look into a trusted companion that will do those things.  My sister stepped down from office to private duty nursing, and at times did what I'm describing, like a "visiting health care nurturer".  She also cooked her patient's meals.

She, like I, loved people and wanted to help them.

[mintedrose]

I sympathized totally. I did that for a few years when i was 22 for my mom as she couldnt drive. I worked full time at a crappy job and didnt pursue college as I so wanted to. Your friend sounds like she has a really good heart but all the responsibility she's shouldering is weighing on her. It also depletes her own life which she really needs in order to thrive. If one doesnt thrive then they cant really take care of another either. It slowly catches up with resentments, misunderstanding etc etc. 

Hopefully, your friend can get her job back which she loved so much and take her life back. It doesnt have to mean that she cannot take care of the people she loves. It would allow her to have more resources available to help them. I see it as, you have to put your mask on first before you can put it on another.