Among Friends

[Porcelain]

---

@SeaMaiden wrote:

---

@Nonametoday wrote:

---

@SeaMaiden wrote:

My feeling is that IF you choose to have kids....PLAN to be able to AFFORD to take care of yourself if needed as you age or whatever comes up. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR CHILDREN TO BE YOUR CARETAKERS.

 If you have children with the idea  YOUR CHILDREN WILL AUTOMATICALLY TAKE CARE OF YOU.... do not have children. Children are not caretakers...and should not be put in that role.  

It seems that in today's world that is what has been happening. It is just wrong. Look at this poor woman who is giving up everything to tend to two elderly people. That is not her job. It is just a shame. 

---

@SeaMaiden 

You are one of the last people I would want sitting on my jury.

---

Yup. Not if you expect your children to take care of you.  So selfish.

---

Not taking care of your own family members is selfish too. There are lots of selfish people. I think grown kids should be there for their parents and parents should be there for their grown kids, but it is true that not all are.

There's a saying that home is the place where they (meaning family) have to let you in. (With obvious exceptions, like addicts and abusers.) Having a family safety net, that hopefully you don't use or hardly use, is good for most people.

I think it's very hard for people who lack that, and social services of all kinds need to fill in in those areas. Everyone needs a little help from their friends eventually. Everyone gets old or sick or breaks a bone at some point, and all the money and power in the world can't make you truly independent in those moments.

[SeaMaiden]

---

@Sooner wrote:

---

@SeaMaiden wrote:

My feeling is that IF you choose to have kids....PLAN to be able to AFFORD to take care of yourself if needed as you age or whatever comes up. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR CHILDREN TO BE YOUR CARETAKERS.

 If you have children with the idea  YOUR CHILDREN WILL AUTOMATICALLY TAKE CARE OF YOU.... do not have children. Children are not caretakers...and should not be put in that role.  

It seems that in today's world that is what has been happening. It is just wrong. Look at this poor woman who is giving up everything to tend to two elderly people. That is not her job. It is just a shame. 

---

@SeaMaiden It isn't about the money.  Whether or not you have money your kids will be responsible for you.  It's the way it works.  Someone has to control the funds, hire the caretakers, make medical appointments, and get them there and back, see after hospital care and make medical decisions.

You can't adopt parents out, divorce them, or otherwise.  They are yours to take care of no matter what your own circumstances are, how mentally fit you are, or how much you need care on your own. 

It is the WAY it is.  

---

Only if you CHOSE it to be the WAY it is.

 If you do, then do not complain about how hard it is and how you are suffering and giving up your life, 

[Desertdi]

---

@SeaMaiden wrote:

My feeling is that IF you choose to have kids....PLAN to be able to AFFORD to take care of yourself if needed as you age or whatever comes up. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR CHILDREN TO BE YOUR CARETAKERS.

 If you have children with the idea  YOUR CHILDREN WILL AUTOMATICALLY TAKE CARE OF YOU.... do not have children. Children are not caretakers...and should not be put in that role.  

It seems that in today's world that is what has been happening. It is just wrong. Look at this poor woman who is giving up everything to tend to two elderly people. That is not her job. It is just a shame. 

---

@SeaMaiden   I took care of my demented mother for 12 years......she was literally crazy......carried a knife.    I had household help, but she even assaulted one of the care givers.   After she passed....it took ME about five years to recover.......    di

[Suziepeach]

God rest my MIL's soul, my husband (oldest of two sons') did everything for Mom up until the end... her alzheimers had really advanced- we took over her life and had papers drawn up from our attorney for guardianship.  Let me say, the other brother well that's all I can say..  We live 405 miles from Memphis and would drive, every couple weeks, for a day run and back home- we adopted her sweet dog, paid for everything, her insurances were put in my husband's name (he's POA of it all) cause she left it all to him.  Plus my saint of a husband would go home every couple of weeks and had started staying over just to help her... burden, no it was for her and like I told him, you only have one Mom- Mom got scammed for over 3,000.00 and was almost taken again when the bank and police called us.  She was advancing so quickly and had suggestive cancer that we had to move fast- the oncologist gave her 3 weeks and she passed almost 3 weeks to the day Oct 19, 2019. My husband lived in Cullman to be with her too- I'd of had it no other way..

We'd do it all over again for her- we had her moved to Cullman Al to be near the other son, that's where she passed, had her brought back to Memphis and we (other son didn't help) made all her final arrangements like she wanted. 

If there's a chance to get help then do it.  Mom's alzheimers was so that she was getting defensive and all the signs weren't good.

We had no help and know Mom is in a better place and was well attended too and that she was loved very, very much..

(I forgot Mom had fallen and laid in the floor for two days, that was the sign she had to go into a facility or have help at home- 

and I'll say it was stressful and sucked but it was for her, you do what you have to do and go on... no accolades, just love and taking care of business and Mom.) 

[CrazyDaisy]

---

@SeaMaiden wrote:

---

@Sooner wrote:

---

@SeaMaiden wrote:

My feeling is that IF you choose to have kids....PLAN to be able to AFFORD to take care of yourself if needed as you age or whatever comes up. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR CHILDREN TO BE YOUR CARETAKERS.

 If you have children with the idea  YOUR CHILDREN WILL AUTOMATICALLY TAKE CARE OF YOU.... do not have children. Children are not caretakers...and should not be put in that role.  

It seems that in today's world that is what has been happening. It is just wrong. Look at this poor woman who is giving up everything to tend to two elderly people. That is not her job. It is just a shame. 

---

@SeaMaiden It isn't about the money.  Whether or not you have money your kids will be responsible for you.  It's the way it works.  Someone has to control the funds, hire the caretakers, make medical appointments, and get them there and back, see after hospital care and make medical decisions.

You can't adopt parents out, divorce them, or otherwise.  They are yours to take care of no matter what your own circumstances are, how mentally fit you are, or how much you need care on your own. 

It is the WAY it is.  

---

Only if you CHOSE it to be the WAY it is.

 If you do, then do not complain about how hard it is and how you are suffering and giving up your life, 

---

It must be a lonely existence if you are only looking out for yourself. Just beacuse you give does not mean it is not hard.  That is what families do for eachother.

[Imaoldhippie]

Personally, I would put mom and grandma in an assistant living facility and kept my good job.  How sad she gave it up.

[AuntG]

Not someone identical to your friend with her mom and grandma, but many people on these boards deal with similar issues. I think she is very caring to take a job with less hours even though it involved a cut in pay. Of her three days off, I'd spend one day on appointments, errands and shopping lists for the ladies....one day totally to myself and one day with the boyfriend.

[NicksmomESQ]

  It's a complicated issue.No parent wants to be a burden on their child. When my mom got sick she said to me "You're my wonderful daughter,not my nurse".The fact was I wasn't about to turn my back on her.She moved mountains for me & I was going to be all in wether she liked it or not.

   My DH stood by me & helped care for my mother.My son was only 6 at the time. It wasn't easy.Mom lived 40 miles away.We did it.We were there for mom & would do it again if we had to.

  My now adult son remembers us taking care of grandma. We were recently talking about it. The topic came up as we were discussing his upcoming wedding.I told him that taking care of mom was mine & his dad's choice.That it's not expected of him.His answer caused both DH & I to tear up.He said as far as he was concerned families stick together.Just as we continue to do for him he will always be there to do for us.He said it's our fault for building such a strong close family.

[eddyandme]

Guess I don't belong on this thread, but I'm gonna tell you like it is from my point of view.

Years ago my mother fell down her cellar stairs and broke her neck.  She was always a self-sufficient woman - she actually shoveled the sidewalk with a broken neck!  When I took her to the hospital and found out she had a broken neck our lives changed.  Suddenly I had to make medical-care decisions, etc.  After a seven and one-half hour operation, she came through it well but had lost her sense of balance.  Later when I chose not to put her in a nursing home for the rest of her life and unable to get any aunts to care for her while I was working, I took an early retirement and brought her home.

It was a major lifestyle change for both of us.  It was financially and socially devastating:  yes, I lost my boyfriend; yes, I lost tons of money; and, yes, I lost my lifestyle.  I was suddenly confined to home, doctors visits, et al.  And, many friends stopped calling me to go here or there.  But, frankly, my life became better as time went on.  My mother, though I always loved her, became my very best friend.  I always had my 'buddy' at my side:  I had her back and she had my back.  Yes, we laughed, cried and even argued sometimes.  But, one of the saddest days in my life was losing my Best Friend.

My mum never asked nor expected me to take care of her.  My parents  always were the one who helped and took care of others, so I guess it was through osmosis, ya know, 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree'.  

I may not be financially well off anymore, nor have the friends I had; but, I've received soooo much more than I gave out - a very special love a most precious gift.  I consider myself very fortunate. Sometimes it pays to go out of the box:  often we receive sooo much more than we give.

I suggest you let your friend do what she is doing.  Just be there for her when she needs a friend.  It'll all work out in the end.

[Vivian]

My mother is almost 98, with many health problems, although her mind is sharp. She has an aide 24/7 who lives with her. Mom lives almost five hours away in another state. I am the sole caregiver for my husband, who is in the mid-stage of Alzheimer's. He takes up much of my time because he thinks he's fine yet he is NOT. Keeping him safe is becoming a full time job. He agreed to pay our cleaning lady for two visits a week, since I told him she needs more time to clean. In reality she is here to give me a break. 

Caregiving is tough. It's constant, with few breaks. For the first time in my 73 years I had pneumonia last summer and now, following a cold that my husband and I caught, I have asthma. This means that my one outlet, dance aerobics, is on hold. I'm sure my resistance has lowered because of the stress. I feel bad that I can't see my mother as often as I'd like but she understands. Nevertheless she calls me four times a day because she's lonely. My kids have their own lives and live far away, so I am IT.